Don't know what to think

[T-boned]

After my first failed attempt to post my introduction, here is my second attempt.
I am new to posting but have been watching this website since I discovered it in May. After reading many of the posts regarding the MLC and WAS, to which I could have signed my name to many (look at 30yearsover post just above!!! I could cut and paste some of her lines into my sitch!!!!) , and after seeing the consistently good advice, I decided to take the plunge and log in and become active. On one hand I feel good that I am not alone in all this craziness, but on the other hand it's sad to think there is so much pain and heartache being experienced by so many people. I hope I can find some comfort and peace here.My sitch - see signature for the generalities.
Details - my best friend, lover, and what I thought was my rock of a husband decided he doesn't want to be married any more. Feels like his life hasn't turned out the way he thought it would (welcome to reality my friend), doesn’t know who he is, and thinks we'd be better as friends. Says he didn’t want to hurt me and was a coward for not telling me sooner. Sound familiar???? Said there was no OW, would be easier if there was, made a mistake . . . etc – you all know the lyrics. Sure, we had some difficult issues in our marriage, but we were always a team and I thought we just were experiencing some ‘bad times’ in our marriage –nothing we couldn’t overcome. Over the last 4 or 5 years he has seen me through some pretty major life changes; menopause, loss of a great job situation (felt like a divorce),loss of my father, and the granddaddy of them all, breast cancer of which I am two years out from my last dose of nasty chemotherapy. And you never saw a better husband through all this, or so I was lead to believe. Said in the initial DB he had been ‘checked out’ for the last 4 or 5 years and that I should have seen the signs and signals. Ironically, we had been seeing a MC both as individuals and a couple for the last 4 or 5 years to deal with our issues. Even the MC didn’t see this coming-was shocked. As well as family, friends, and neighbors. H gets an Oscar for his performance.
Two hours after H DB, said he couldn't stay home and went to be with his family about 250 miles away, leaving me to deal with it for a week with limited support (he has a large family). Since then he has never fully returned home. I have been working out of town about 3 ½ days a week for the last year (not a permanent sitch), so during this time he’d stay at our home while I was gone then find other places to stay when I returned home. In mid-May he removed his wedding ring but said he was not intending to start dating. Having the summer off, he spent it with his family/friends. Phone calls/texts, mostly initiated by me, have been nothing but business and very polite. H did start seeing an IC (recommended by our MC) before the summer and resumed upon returning in August. H agreed to meet with me and our MC a week after returning from summer break to talk about where we were in all this. We met outside the MC office and had a nice chat. Hugs upon arrival. In office, H said he did a lot of soul searching and realized he is really ‘F’d up’, that I married a ‘freak’ and he was sorry to have dragged me along for so long on this journey, and would not consider trying to make one last attempt to save our marriage. That if it would make me happy he would come back but he would be miserable – and then asked if I would I want that? What a loaded question. Says it has nothing to do with me. It’s all him. Told him then to send me the divorce papers – he said we didn’t have to do that right now. Haven’t heard any more divorce talk since. I’m guessing he has been too busy trying to get himself settled. So I’m waiting for the other shoe (bomb?) to drop.
Currently, he rents a house about 5 minutes from our home. We communicate once a week on average (again mostly me). Told me it’s hard for him not to talk to me but also hard to talk to me. Actually had a rare visit with him at his place – talked on phone earlier, he said to stop by. Hug on arrival and a “It’s good to see you”. Hug when I left. Texted him later that day about some business and said it was good to see him too.
I have mostly been upbeat and positive but not good at being mysterious. I am working on GAL. I still see our MC once a week. I struggle with not buying into his story, although I agree he has some serious personal issues he needs to deal with based on his emotional display at our meeting. I do believe he still loves me; however, I ‘m afraid his pride will not let him deviate from his decision that divorce is the answer. Tried LRT – started that in May/June when I discovered DR. Still doing it – but have backslid a couple times. Doesn’t seem to have made any difference –unfortunately, maybe I’m in that group where you can “ DB until the cows come home” but to no avail. Have had three phone counseling sessions. Am considering three more. Read Sandi’s list a couple time a week. Our 12 year wedding anniversary is Oct. 6th (this Sunday) and I have been pretty down the last couple of weeks thinking about it. I know I need to detach more and just live ‘as if’ we’re done and get on with life. Accept what I can’t change – change what I can and hope for the best. Easier said than done.
Any suggestions or comments? Vets, I would love to hear from you.
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Me 58 H46
M12 T22
No kids
BD & S Apr 2, 2013 - ILYBINILWY
Has not filed . . . yet