Hi Dawn, I feel for you. I think you had prepared yourself that h was not going to budge then he did. Just like I told you before my h is all over the place.
He asked me today what is my hurry. WTF? While he has been carrying on with the trash I have been lonely taking care of everything which I am fine with taking care of the house and kids. It sure is better than the alternative. I told him I would have been willing to work with him if he would give up ow and try and figure himself out. I think he is on the extra long mlc plan.
I think you are right that most of our spouses think we will be there forever but when nothing is happening I think we have to change things up a bit. Just like you did and it got his attention. I think he is afraid of losing you.
My h is at a point that he knows that the a is not right and he is hurting a lot of people. I think he is afraid of coming back. He has a lot of work to do but he has to do it and mc said that as long as ow is in the picture at all he is going to slow his progress. Not sure what mwd would say but counselor seems to think so and I can see that. I also think there is a part of him that is afraid of losing me. I think he sees my changes but is afraid they are not going to stick.
I couldn't sleep last night and I send him a text knowing he wouldn't see it until today. It was very sincere just validating that I was not always a good person, wanted my way all the time etc. I apologized and asked for forgiveness. I think the text really touched him. I know that is not dbing but I figured I have already told him I'm done so it was ok.
I may sound strong but I have my moments and quite a few lately since I have made the decision to move on. What is saving me is that I know I have worked on my issues and I feel so much better about myself. I didn't like what I saw.
I also have been taking care of everything for about 1.5 years and I realize I can do it. I'm afraid of the financial aspect but we had saved money to hopefully retire early.
I think h also sees financially he would take a hit and he doesn't like that either. Today he said again that he really didn't have anyone to talk to.
Taking D19 to college tomorrow so we will be in the car together. Should be interesting. I have been nice. Even though he still has his mean moments I still stay nice. He has to see that he can't shake me. He does realize his moods are all over the place.
Thanks for stopping in Dawn and stay strong. You can do this. You have been at this a long time too and I know you have to be ready to move on too but I still think you both deserve to give it a try. A d will take a while anyway. You have a while to go before your deadline. A lot can happen in a month.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
How was college drop off? I take s19 next week. I am going to miss him. it has been great having him home this summer. S19 and s16 spent a lot of time together.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
The college drop off went very well. H didn't talk a whole lot but still did. It is a 3 hour drive. We dropped d19 off, took her to lunch and we left because she already had to attend meetings etc.
On the way back we talked pretty much. Nothing about us just about work, general bs. He stayed at the house a little while then went back to his parents house. Later he text me "thanks for a pleasant ride home. Actually the whole day". I text him yeah it was nice and also told him thanks for saying that because it made me feel good. He said "I'm not an ass all the time".
Haven't really heard much out of him since and really don't expect to. He is dragging his feet on moving forward with the d.
Went to mc today, just me, and I told her I told him I'm done. I told her I wanted to get it moving and she asked what my hurry was. I told her that 3 years is a long time and I would like to move on with my life and I can't date while married. I just can't do it. She understood. I also told her that he is very confused still.
I think he did see in an entire day I was a pleasant person to be around. I didn't bring up us and our issues, I didn't complain about what the kids didn't do etc. I'm sure his head is spinning. Good. I'm glad I'm giving him something to think about.
How did your talk go?
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
Hey complicated! It sounds like you are doing really well, despite the movement towards D. I agree. Sometimes you have to shake it up a bit. I haven't always been the best at DB. I've gone against the grain. In the end, you're in charge. You know best. I have to listen to my heart and also listen to him. There isn't a one size fits all or any book that is just about you and your H. (BTW if I'm wrong and you find one, let me know.) Three years is a long time. You know what's best and when you're done. Sounds like you have a really good handle on things.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
I have not posted in a long time. I was trying to take a break, spend more time with the kids and have been traveling. D19 and D16 both play soccer.
I have kept up with other threads but just didn't post. Just trying to keep my sanity.
A lot has been going on, mostly negative. I told H I was done. We have not yet moved toward d. Then I read a bunch of articles about the affects on the kids of both affairs and divorce and I thought I would sit tight.
H went on a trip with OW and the kids found out and were not happy. He told me about it, of course I wasn't happy. He said he was breaking it off with her but he needed the time away. He said "stress free" time and that he wasn't going to be answering his phone. Of course this is after multiple times he has said he broke it off. I can't count how many times.
Since he didn't answer his phone the kids were mad. Boiling mad. H was mad because he said since he told the truth no one should be mad at him. Ok, did he forget the fact he was with OW? Before he left he told me "you might lose the battle but you will end up winning the war". What is that supposed to mean. H said it might look likeI lost him but his new counselor he thought was going to get him on the right track. He said that new c told him to dump OW. Ok so did old C.
I totally relapsed as far as detaching though. When he was gone when he said "I won't answer my phone because I am starting my stress free weekend". I'm thinking WTF, being with her that you are supposed to dump is stress free? Then he added a day to his trip. I couldn't help myself and made a couple of snide remarks.
That was the start of what is still a mess. The oldest told him it was her or OW. Apparently he picked OW. He has not tried to reach out to them and things are getting progressively worse. D16 had already done this so in her eyes he had already ditched D16.
Against what I told her D21 face book messaged OW and basically told her off. I repeatedly told her please don't stoop to her level. OW said some things which were totally inappropriate. I text h and told him to ring OW in. D might have started it but OW needs to knock it off then D will. Finally it has stopped.
OW has contacted me 3 times in the past but I have not contacted her. I refuse to stoop to her level. My kids are soooo hurt.
D21 and I had a very strained relationship for several years. It is nice that we are doing great right now. She has totally forgiven me for things she thinks I did to her and understands now that I was just trying to get her on the right track. She has gone to bat for me because she said she thinks what her dad is doing is completely wrong and lying and having an affair is not a good role model for your kids.
It made me cry to think that she would stick up for me knowing our past. I told all of my girls that they need to talk to their dad. They need both a mom and a dad. All while h and ow keep bashing me. It just makes me look that much better.
H thinks since I didn't approve of him going on his little weekend with OW and I text him a couple of things (mostly about important things) that I haven't changed. I told him "just because I don't approve of your affair doesn't mean I haven't changed". The girls have continued to tell him that I have changed and how would he know because he doesn't live there.
He keeps blaming me for the way they think even though they keep telling him that they have minds of their own. I just keep telling the girls that they need their dad in their life. They tell me yes they do need their dad in their life but not this one. I have explained to them what he is going through. They say that he still doesn't have to treat us this way.
D21 has asked to go to counseling. She has had issues with depression off and on and she wants to hit this head on. I think this is very adult of her. She is very hurt because her and h were very close.
I think he has totally slipped back I guess into replay if he was further. I don't really know where he was. I don't know if he is just going to keep going to new c and not do what they say? They all say he needs to cut off all contact if he wants to get better. What is the hold on her? He said to both me and D21 that she is crazy but he keeps going back.
Sometimes I think H will never get through mlc. Just when I think he is peeking out he goes back to being a jerk. Some days he was like old H then bam the jerk comes back out.
How long does that go on? Will they ever see what they are doing to their family? The kids are devastated. His mother is devastated but won't say much to him still because she doesn't want to push him away and to OW. H's dad is not doing well, his dementia has gotten progressively worse and has fallen a couple of times. At least that is keeping him at his parents and not OW.
At this point I really don't care about me. I am worried about the girls. Even though they are older they are being hit hard. H was a very good Dad and now they feel like they have no Dad at all. I just want to be there for them and do things to try and keep their mind off it.
D16 and I will be traveling this weekend so hopefully we'll get to spend some quality time together but that will only be in the car. They spend most of the other time with the team.
D19 doesn't know much of what is going on except what she knew before she left for college. We don't tell her what's going on because she has enough stress right now. The other 2 live at home so they are in the middle of it. They are hurt that he never tries to see them. I get that.
I don't have any hope for me and h but I want the girls to have a relationship with their dad. I have read that I need to stay out of it and let him face the consequences which is what I have been doing but of course he still blames me. Everything is still my fault. For a while he saw he had problems but now its all my fault again. OW told D21 that too.
Sorry I was all over the place and unorganized. I had so much to say to bring you current. I think if H wouldn't have said he was going to go on this trip that ditch her and work on "us" I was doing good. I was moving on. I think it's because it has been going on so long I'm tired of limbo land. At the same time I care so much about my girls and their well being.
I know I need to be hit over the head. I think I slipped when H slipped.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
I just wanted you to know I read everything you posted last night. Such a painful place to be and I'm so sorry. Thanks for updating us though. Post more as you have time and inclination.
You are being the rock for your girls and that is an incredibly hard place to be without support from H.
Hang in there!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Thanks RH. I just posted on your thread. I still have hope but not much. It bothers me to see my girls so hurt. Never in a million years would I have thought H would do this to them.
He was such a great Dad. I know he is in such pain and hopefully this part won't last too long. If anything is going to pull him out of this the girls might. I just don't know how much longer I can hold on. Every time I think I'm done I read your thread or someone else's and I say I'll hold on a little longer.
One thing I don't understand is I thought I read somewhere that they need to be nudged along. When is this? Did you have to do this with your H? We don't really talk much but with D21 especially not talking to him this may be the little nudge he needs.
He goes to his IC today. I'm sure H will tell him about D21 not speaking to him and going off on OW. Of course IC has told H to dump OW if he wants to get better. So he really has no one to blame but himself but, I still get the blame.
Looking forward to going out of town with D16 this weekend. It will give us some time just the two of us. It also helps get my mind off everything going on at home.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
I hope you are having a nice time bonding with D16 on your long car trip Complicated. You poor thing, you've been thru a lot lately. But like rH says, you are a rock for your kids. The rock. The one and only rock right now.
It is so easy for our Hs to blame us for everything wrong in their world, isn't it? Hopefully he will start to listen to what his IC has to say to him, and drop that OW. She sounds like a real peach. And why is she talking to your girls? That doesn't sound right, H is a married man having an affair. She has a lot of nerve that's for sure!
This sounds hopeful to me Complicated: "Before he left he told me "you might lose the battle but you will end up winning the war". What is that supposed to mean. H said it might look like I lost him but his new counselor he thought was going to get him on the right track. He said that new c told him to dump OW. Ok so did old C."
To me, that means that your H realizes somewhere inside his crazy MLC muddled head, that his relationship with OW is not good or lasting. You know these OP only serve the purpose of bolstering their faltering self esteem. The relationships are not real, not based on reality. The OW is the battle but your marriage is the war.
I think H means that he realizes that it is you and his girls who he loves, and that he will eventually do what his IC tells him and dump that OW. Then his new IC will get him on track and help him to work on himself. Hopefully you and the girls are still around by that point. I think you are strong enough to stand that long!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Thanks RL for stopping by. Yes, that is indeed what he meant but it changes daily.
Somedays he realizes he's a fool for what he is doing others it's all my fault.
So D21 tells me that OW broke it off! I don't know if this has anything to do with D21's messages to her or if she is just tired of waiting. Apparently H also told D21 he was done because he thinks he only has about 20 years left and he doesn't want to take the chance of being unhappy with me. I guess he feels giving it 6 months to a year his life will be almost over.
H has been ignorant to me lately so I have stepped back and detaching AGAIN. I thank him when he does something to help out at the house but that's about it.
What he is the most angry with is that the kids seemed to know things about OW. I told H that when you don't spend any time with the kids they figure you are with OW and it is still going on. You're giving me too much credit. The other thing is D21 is older and we would talk. D21 was very hurt that her relationship with her Dad had come to this.
Like everyone on here I felt like I was done AGAIN. But especially knowing that they have broken it off AGAIN I will sink in and detach and hang in there. I keep thinking of the kids.
D19 is having issues too. She has been unhappy, not knowing why and just broke it off with her bf of 2 years. Says she wants to enjoy college life and I totally agree with that. I can't help but think that all the BS that is happening with her dad and I is contributing to her stress level. Plus she has been injured and is trying to play collegiate soccer through pain. I read that affairs and divorces put a huge stress on older kids and most people think they can handle it with no issues. She is one that likes to please and not upset people so I think she is taking it extra hard.
So I think this weekend I'm going to enjoy a weekend with D19 and have some mom and me time. We couldn't do it a couple of weeks ago and I think it will help her.
Otherwise enjoyed watching the playoffs with a bunch of friends last night. It is nice seeing guys flirt with me but honestly right now I feel like I need to focus on myself and my kids. Mentally I don't think I could handle a relationship especially knowing my heart is really still with H.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
Had a great weekend with my daughter. She was having a tough time since breaking up with bf and so we had a nice mom/daughter weekend.
Took her to get mani/pedi's and her hair cut and asked her if she wanted to talk about things. She said "not really" that right now she would like to not think about it.
I told her whatever she wanted but eventually she needs to talk about it with someone that problems or unhappiness doesn't go away by ignoring it. She said that while she is in season she just didn't want to deal with it.
On a good note she had a great game. I only hope that in time she will address her issues. She is an awful lot like h in that she holds things in and she doesn't like to hurt people or have them mad at her.
Problem is now H thinks everyone walked all over him and is blaming me for all of his problems. I don't want D19 to do the same thing.
All of the girls are talking to H as he has said he and OW are no longer together. I will believe it when I see it. But I am glad he is spending time with them. They deserve it.
I went to see MIL and FIL Friday just to spend some time with them. FIL has dementia but enjoys it when I come over. H is still living there and he was doing some yard work for them when I got there. I said Hi but then went in and spent time with them. He really didn't say much to me then left to run some errands. He even text me to see if I needed money - couldn't believe it but thanked him for asking.
He didn't go to D19s game. Said he was tired of driving a lot (3 hours each way) and since it was maybe going to rain he wasn't coming up. It ended up being her best game this season (has been dealing with an injury) and it was a very nice evening. His loss.
Right now I feel like being there for my kids takes my mind off him, at least a little. Keeps me busy anyway.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
