How lucky those preschool kids are to have you in their lives and all of us too
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I was thinking today about how I live my life. How did I get to where I am?
Suppose I allowed myself to continue to feel the way I did at the beginnning of all this.
What if I continued to feel as if this was DONE to me? What if I did that with everything in my life?
That would mean that I can blame God for giving my son and I a mutated gene. I get to blame my mother's alcoholism for my difficult childhood. I'd get to blame my xh for his crisis, his affair, and for ruining me financially.
I mean, I could do all that.
But here's the thing about that. That makes me a victim. And I dont like the sound of that. That implies that I have no control over my life.
That would mean that I get to sit back and say, oh well, suckks for me. Guess I have just have to succk it up.
Blaming everyone and everything would take any of the responsibility off of me. It would stop me from looking inside and figuring out what I should own and what I shouldnt. It would mean I didnt have to change.
Do I wish my son and I didnt have this disease? Abso -freakin-lutely.
Do I wish my mother didnt suffer from alcoholism? You bet.
Do I wish my xh didnt have a MLC and do the things he did? Yep.
But it all happened. Stuff happens in life. Sometimes bad stuff.
Dont get me wrong. I was angry and sad and angry some more. I didnt understand. It wasnt fair. I why me'd with the best of them.
But after awhile I realized, I had gotten through some tough things. Really, really tough.
I was no longer willling to just roll over. I just wasnt.
Because if I did, that meant I have no power.
I dont like the idea of that.
Were there things I couldnt change no matter how hard I tried? Yes, there were, there are.
But there were also things I could change.
I was not going to let this disease stop me from having the life I wanted.
I was not going to let my xh and what he did stop me from believing in love.
I struggle financially. It's true. But so do a lot of other people. I am not special.
The thing I've learned is this. The stuff in your life is going to be there whether you remain angry or not. They are going to be there whether you can understand them or not. They are going to be there whether you think they are fair or not.
So, I figured, since they are going to be there anyway, why not live my life the best way I know how.
Why not take control of the things I can and let go of the things I cant?
There are some truly horrific things that happen in this world. Things I cant even get my mind around.
My stuff, while difficult, in comparison, well.....
So, I just try to live each day the way I choose - with dignity, strength and honor. I try to laugh every day. I tell the people I care about that I love them. I try to make a difference when I can.
And all the stuff....will be there tomorrow.
I am not a victim. I am not giving up. I am not changing who I am inside because of circumstances.
It's just not an option.
You will all get through this. But it is how you do, that makes all the difference.
It's hard not to ask the "why me?" question. I know I have done it with different things in my life. But I think we can, maybe even should ask it if it helps us look within and moves us along.
We've talked about this before. MLC is crushing, devastating. But... Is it the worst thing that happens to a person? I think there are much, much worse...
You are absolutely right, we are not victims. I feel like it may not have been my choice to have the life that I knew blown to bits, but it sure as hell is my choice to put it back together for me and my children.
In the process of that now
Thanks for continuing to be such an inspiration here. You are amazing
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
And you are right, we should ask "Why me?" in order to look within and move forward. The important thing is not to get stuck on that question.
And no, this wasnt our choice, not by a long shot. But we have to take the parts in our lives we have a choice in. And it is how we handle the choices, that makes all the difference.
I know you will do what you need to do, my friend. You are an incredible woman. Honored to be able to call you friend.
I have been volunteering at a teen suicide hotline.
I have had the honor of speaking to some teens who think that their lives are over.
I spoke with a boy the other day. He was very depressed. He had a difficult family life. He was being bullied. He had no friends.
I told him about my life, my childhood, my depression. Told him my son had been cruelly bullied because of our disease.
I just kept talking as he seemed to need that. I told him about what I realized about life and how I have decided to handle it.
I also told him how different his life could be 6 months from now. And that he could change his life if he chose to.
He asked me a lot of questions. I answered honestly. I explained that I understand the depth of despair he feels. But that I hoped so much that he realizes how special he is.
I said that I know that it seems like he would never be happy. That I used to feel that way, too.
I told him about how difficult my childhood was and about my disease.
We talked and talked. I told him I would not hang up until he told me it was ok.
He got quiet after awhile. I panicked a bit. I thought, maybe I shouldnt do this. Maybe I am not good at it. But there was a therapist sitting with me. She touched me on my arm and motioned for me to keep talking.
So, I lowered my voice to almost a whisper. I pictured my son and what I would say to him. What I have said to him.
I said, sweetie, I want you to listen to me please. I can tell how smart you are and that you have a big heart. I can tell that you are funny and kind. I can see who you are and what you are made of. I can see you.
The world is a better place for having you in it. It is. You are special. You matter. You're important. You're worthy.
And though it seems as if things are very hard right now and they may be, but they will not always be.
You can have an amazing life if you choose to. I hope you do. I think you can do great things and I believe in you.
I didnt hear anything for what seemed like a long time. I looked at the therapist with tears streaming down my face. I started to get up. I thought, I have failed. I have failed this amazing boy. What am I going to do?
She held my arm and motioned for me to wait. It seemed like an hour had passed.
And then I heard his voice. I sighed and sat back down.
He said, quietly, no one has ever said those words to me. That they believe in me. No one has ever said I was a gift, that I was special. I dont know what to do with that.
I said, take it with you. Believe it. There is a whole world waiting for someone just like you. Study hard. Work hard. Get strong.
You can do this, you know. You can. You have the power to be anyone you want, do anything you want.
You have the power over what you want your life to look like.It might not look that way now, but, believe that it can.
You can get through this. I know it without a single doubt.
He thanked me through tears. I said, you have touched me, thank you.
We hung up and I felt faint. I said to the therapist, I will never know if he is ok. I will never know.
She said, Ur, you know.
Life, my friends, is so tenuous, so fragile. It must be lived to the fullest. Love with all your heart, try new things, go new places. And remember, that though this seems so very difficult, you have the power to get through it.
