Journal - 12 months ago today it all started to go very wrong
Had the kids yesterday but at some point I had to look after my Niece (6) and Nephew (3) as well as my kids so we did some fun stuff like go feed the ducks and goto the park. After I dropped them off I took my kids home as i had planned to go greyhound racing that evening. I felt a little hard done by because It didn't feel like I had quality time with MY kids so I texted the W asking if I could see them again today which she agreed as she hadn't anything planned because the weather was expected to be so poor (rain).
Today I spoke to W as she wasn't sure what time to send the kids round. I said I needed to go to the shops to buy a few things and she asked cheekily if I could grab her some milk as she forgot, I cheerfully agreed and said when I drop it off the kids could come back with me which worked out well. I had the kids to myself which was great as we made cupcakes for everyone, the majority were going home with them but that didn't matter as I got great pics and vids of the 2 of them mixing and generally making a mess! S4 loves playing Lego Batman on the PS3 so we went and done that while D10 caught up on all the weekends programs that she missed. I only had them for 5 hours or so but the time flew by and we all had fun.
As it says at the top of the Journal this time 12 months ago it all started to go very wrong and in 2 days time it will be exactly a year since BD. I feel so down at the moment and getting really fed up of trying to be the cheery me and showing everyone that everything is alright. Under my skin it's far from alright I just want to lock myself away. In my head I keep going over 'if only I did that different' and 'what if I did/didn't do that" we'd still be together, poss unhappy but not separated and trying to get the M back on track!
I haven't sent that email, I think maybe that's something that needs to be said face to face. If I bottle that then the draft above needs some serious editing! Either way I'm looking at year 2 separated
M - 37 W - 35 T - 11 M - 5.5 SD13 D10 S4 ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12 Moved out 7 Dec 12 At present - Being the best dad i can be.
