A Fresh, New Day - Pt II

[JayMan]

Well, Pud, I agree with AS's description, but I think sometimes getting that all out isn't bad. If it's all a screaming match, it may not accomplish anything, but if you had a chance to do any validating or change any of the old dynamics, I think that's a positive. There obviously was something different if H ended up hugging you.

I would say that sometimes a healthy venting that ends at least somewhat positively can be a stress outlet and get a bunch of garbage and resentment out. I'm not recommending it, and it certainly doesn't fit in DB principles, but I'm glad you started right back the next day with PMA! Now, maybe a BETTER way next time is to have the venting with your IC!

Good for you for "baking on it" - there is a lot of resentment and pushiness in your letter. Personally, if my W was still in the house, I think our relationship dynamic would be much better; so make sure you're VERY ready to ask him to go.

[AnotherStander]

Even though this convo was all wrong, it is the first time in 6 years we have actually talked about any of this stuff for a period of time.

Well, convo's like that are a good thing in a healthy marriage, all I'm saying is they are too much pressure in a M that's on the rocks. Once BD happens convo's like that should not take place unless and until the WAS commits to the M.

I'd like you to consider moving out. I feel that I can no longer be around you while you are trying to figure yourself out with another person. It is hard for me as your wife to watch and wonder where you are, if you are ok, and if you are coming home. It has become obvious to me that you do not want to work on our marriage, or consider getting help for yourself to get through this. I cannot stand by and say we have a marriage when you feel you must take up with a mistress/f buddy to be happy. This is not what a marriage is.

I think it's too negative/ accusatory. Do you have Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough"? He has a great example of this type of note in there.

[Pudmuddle]

Thanks Jon. I really appreciate your insight as well.

I agree I do have lots of anger and resentment towards him still. We agreed last time we would never to this to each other again and he betrayed that and it hurts like hell. I know there are things I did to contribute to the downfall but this one thing is hard for me to get past right now. I need to work on getting this out but not aimed at him and how I talk to him.

I won't give him the letter I wrote earlier, I was able to cool my jets from that. I was waiting to see if he was going to leave for his sunday "football" game time where is goes to see AW. My S wanted pizza ordered last night, so I asked H "S wants pizza tonight, are you sticking around?" He said "Sure pizza sounds good!" and we all watched the football game and ate pizza. When he went to get the pizza he came back with two bottles of wine. Huh? then he even asked me if I wanted some too. He hasn't done that in a while. Usually just grabs himself a glass. We also watched the Hobbit movie with my S, so it was good family time.

So really he spent the whole weekend at home and didn't go out on Sat mornings or Sunday afternoon, night like he had the past two weekends.

We shall see what this week holds. Thanks everyone for keeping me in line. AS, Jon, I appreciate your wisdom and guidance.

[Pudmuddle]

Yes, AS, I know it's all way too emotional and volatile for me to try to bring anything up right now, kick him out or write him a letter like the above. I'm expressing my anger on here so that I don't actually say it out loud. It can only be hurtful at this point and NOT what my intentions are. I'm retreating into my PMA castle now.

thanks for the book recommendation, I will look into it.

[Feenix]

Reading through your weekend, I am glad your H decided to stay and spend time with you and S...AND as you've told me, take those positives where you can get them!!!

I know your R talk with your H wasn't DBing the other day, but I have also backslid and vented a bit to H...so don't feel to badly about it. You recovered well from it...and later, vented your anger and resentment on here, instead of to H.

We have to let it out somewhere...at least, on here, people will be 100% honest with you!!! Right? No BS from the people on here...and I really like that.

So, good luck in your "PMA castle" today....lol. I need to find me one of those! Just know that I'm hoping you have a good afternoon/evening.

[Pudmuddle]

It's tough all around Angela. Have to find humor somewhere or I go crazy!

I had the day off today, so read books, walked dog, did some beading stuff I like to do. H came home from work and I was in my room doing beading stuff. He eventually came upstairs and gave me some of my laundry he had done. I said Thank you. Then I turned back to my beading and he said How was your day? I said it was good, did some reading, beading, walking. He laughed at the reading beading rhyme. (?) Then he said it was cold out for a walk huh? I said yeah it was, rainy, cool, we didn't go for long.

So at least he came to find me, and did some of my laundry. lol

Think roommates. Sigh.

[Pudmuddle]

Oh, and he did call this morning and ask me about a baby shower for a niece his mom invited me to and he didn't know about. So he was all well get her this, and get her that and did we get her anything. We had weeks ago gotten her a gift card but hadn't sent it yet. Did I expect him to remember that? No, he is in fogland. So it was just that, a pleasant convo.

Ugh, I want it to feel like more than that. Patience.

[Pudmuddle]

Okaaaay, this was weird. My H just came back upstairs to tell me about parent teacher conferences, so we talked and agreed on about what time we could do this. Then he said well I just got attitude from S when I just tried to talk to him. I laughed and said 'He IS a teenager". H said, 'I know'. Then I said 'don't you remember being a teenager?' He thought about it and said 'No I don't'. HUH? I said 'Really?' He said 'No I was so busy with swimming and activities, we swam 5000 yards a day and by the time I got home I was wiped out and in bed'. I just gave him a quizzical look. And he said 'Well I bet my mom could tell you some stories' I laughed then because I said just about the same thing at the same time about asking his mom if she would remember the teenage years. Then we laughed about that.

Then, the strangest thing happened. He walked over to me an removed my glasses I had on. I was like what the heck is he doing here. He then gave me a HUGE hug and said 'I'm really sorry for not being there for you when your father died. I was a bonehead H and I am so sorry I wasn't there.' (This was one of the things I brought up in our heated discussion the other day) I started to weep just a bit, not much though. And I thought OMG what is the right db thing to say here? <--see what you people have done to me, haha. Anyhoo, I ended up saying 'wow, I really appreciate that. I know it was hard for you when there was so much emotion going on with me, and I can have A LOT OF EMOTION' and I giggled a little bit. He laughed and said 'ya think?'

So I don't know what's going on right now inside him. And I am kind of freaked out and extremely pleased at the same time!

It's hard to think ahead because you want to think he has good intentions but then you are so gunshy you wonder if it's because he wants something, going to ask for something you don't want. I know, I know, stay away from that crystal ball.

[JayMan]

At least he was considerate enough to not crush your glasses to your face...

[Pudmuddle]

LOL really Jon? you nut.

Yeah I wasn't sure why he felt like he had to remove my glasses. LOL.