Me: "I'm confused. From Sunday to Wednesday I didn't contact you at all. Wednesday you texted me about the stay, and I only texted you a couple of times. Today, YOU invited me over for coffee. I stayed less than an hour, and when I left, YOU said I didn't have to go, and for me to just stay. We hugged one time. I left anyway because I needed to work. Later, I dropped off S5, and YOU said, "Hey, why don't you guys stay awhile, you don't have to leave, but we left because we had chores to get caught up."
Jon Jon Jon Jon JON!! There you go trying to reason with her again, explaining HER behavior to HER. How did that work out for ya last time? And the time before? Brother, you have got to break out of your "more of the same" behavior. Either STFU or validate.
Quote:
W: "Well, you were too clingy. Now quit texting me."
I called her and left a VM just trying to validate that I understand there is a lot going on.
WHAT? WHY? She just told you that you're too clingy, and so you go all uber-clingy on her in response! By the way, telling her "a lot is going on" is not validation, and in fact her comment to you did not express an emotion on her part, so there was nothing there to validate. Silence would have been the appropriate response.
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I said that I was confused by her perception of the day, and that I'd prefer to understand why she felt that way, but otherwise to have a nice weekend. It was hard, I wanted to yell in the phone, "Good lord, woman, what is wrong with you!!??" But I didn't.
Actually that's exactly what you said, you just phrased it a little differently. It was just as inappropriate though.
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I AM confused.
Are you? Do you expect a WAS to behave in logical, predictable, rational ways?
Listen to us Jon. Quit falling back into old behavior patterns. They're not moving you or your sitch forward. We're rooting for you, but YOU have to do the work. So far you're not!
Hi Jon.. just wanted to say I think you are doing a fine job at all of this DBing. I think you are on the right track with how you are acting. You are keeping uo your PMA which is great. You had mentioned that you used to measure things by how your wife reacted... I think you should still do that to an extent.. that is, keep doing things that elicit a positive response from her. "Test and Check" every so often to see what is working vs. Not working. That is advice I got from my DB coach. Keep up the DBing!
-cp
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
@chasing - thanks, it's a horrible process, but I'm starting to do better! You're right, I still do some stuff to measure how W reacts, but it is becoming less and less. It helps to know that she's very much attracted to me, and said she likes me, and that's just me being me.
@AS - sigh, I know. The problem is that W and I aren't working toward the same goal. She wants D, at least to some degree, and I don't. Until we're working toward the same goal, all that stuff I say like that is just going to force her to be defensive.
It sorta drives me crazy because Sunday night, I'm like "Fine. Divorce it is." I didn't speak to W when we went to court on Monday, and said nothing to her until Wednesday when SHE texts me, "Hey, we can get that divorce delay; maybe you're right and I should take more time to think about it." BLARGH! I can't win! Of course, hind sight being 20/20, I should've just said, "Ok." and said nothing else.
Jon.. I was thinking about your sitch while I was out with friends last night (so much for my GAL lol) and I was going to write something similar to what AS said above. What AS said above really hits the nail on the head for you. Your w behaves illogically and you point it out to her in a moment of frustration. I totally get how you feel; our W's do a lot of similar stuff. But I think this is the place where you could make a significant change. Again .. Don't point out to your w that she is being illogical. You have done this several times since you began posting. I bet if you make this one small change, it will make a larger difference than all of your attempts at "going dim". Try something different next time and see what happens.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
2nd - that's actually funny. If I'm out somewhere and have a dull moment, I'll pull up the boards here on my phone to see if there's any new drama or breakthroughs. It doesn't keep me from having fun, just interesting...
I appreciate both you and AS pointing out my expressing frustration at irrational/illogical things. It's something I didn't notice, but it's very true about me, and I can definitely correct it.
I'm going back to the extremely dim, and am not gonna be lured back out. I've discovered after like 5 false starts that when one spouse is leaning towards divorce, and the other towards reconciliation, almost any conversation is not gonna be good. I kept thinking I could be so nice and PMA that W would just swoon over me - since she has admitted to liking me and being attracted to me. However, if W is illogical the next time I'm around her, I'll just say "Ok" and let it go!
Thanks Pud, you got it. After that last craziness, it really shook me up; all day today I've been thinking about your toxic comment, and I think you're right.
I am growing every day in my patience, calmness, happiness, and every time I'm around W, those all take a blow. So I dunno why I would want to be around someone like that, at least how she is right now.
I've talked about backing off before, but never have I seen how much the talking and stuff damages my calm, and man is it a wakeup call. Still processing this, but it's an interesting revelation.
I remember having a R before H where everytime I got around this person, we just knew how to push each other's buttons and we couldn't stop. We knew we had to be apart.
Anyhoo, you and I both now have to hold to the going dim and working on ourselves. Especially after my last blowout.
It takes years sometimes to get better.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Well we're more at the point where we connect really well, then W realizes it and starts backing up and saying it didn't happen, and the walls come up.
That is the toxicity. Before that we are great...
Regardless, it isn't going to work while that's her actions, and I don't know if she can stop.
I really am shifting to where I want this to be about me, slowly but surely. Obviously I'm not there yet, but every day of dim I feel better and better. Also I won't be able to pick up S5 anymore, so that's going to add back in a level of separation.
I understand how you feel. Read my thread and you will see where I am at with this as of this moment. I am so tired of the up and down, now almost every hour.
Yes, when the kids come into play it's a different level,for sure. Hang in there Jon. Be the dimmest best you can be! lol
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
