I've looked at life from both sides now

[Raine]

It's strange to look back at my last thread. That thread has been there for nearly three months, and typically before, a thread would last a month for me.

There is a pull to do an update, but the thought of it is exhausting. It's strange to look at that last thread. The beginning of started with so much positive energy, and within hours of that post I was in a parking lot telling him to get out.

And now? So much has changed. How could it be that was only three months ago? It's changed. It's still crap. Just not as much crap. A different crap. Less smelly crap? It's the crap that I thought a year ago I wanted. A year ago this crap smelled like 5 dozen red roses and tasted like Belgium chocolates. I would have done anything to have this. I would have accepted this. Now? Eh. Now I'm unbelievably awesome and I want it all. Ego much there? Hah!

He is reconnecting...I think I can call it that. I don't know. I don't trust it and I don't have any expectations it will continue. And perhaps that allows me to accept it and just go with it. He is leading this dance and I am doing everything I can to not step on his toes. Let's be honest. I'm doing everything I can to not stomp on his toes and kick him in the shins.

It became clear to me a few weeks ago that not only was he cycling, but so was I. When I did something for the third time, I stepped back and saw my pattern. And that recognition is hopefully enough to break that pattern once and for all.

Now what is interesting about my H and perhaps this is common, but his fear of rejection is astronomical. I have put myself on the line countless times, to which he has zero response to. And a normal person would have felt completely rejected and broken from all of this, but now I'm just feeling like, "Eh, it's not me. Oh well. It is what it is. Keep moving lady and let him twirl and spin." He knows how I feel and that I am willing, but there is an incredible fear there.

So he approaches things very timidly, typically as a complaint or a problem. My response is usually first empathy. Complaint continues. My next response is a question, like, "how do you think it could be fixed?" It continues, as he doesn't have a solution. I then make a suggestion, to which he has a reason why that solution won't work or why the problem really isn't a problem and doesn't matter. To which I will then open up and make a clarification that, the issue is his. That where he is an the reason for the problem is his choice and not mine, and I am comfortable with his decision and choice on this matter. And then he will make a move of reconnection. At that point he will move towards me. No further discussion. He will not ask if he can. At that point when it has been acknowledged that it is his choice, he will just start doing it.

We are making baby steps. And there are multiple catalysts causing him to change. And it is crazy difficult to feel that change, to see that change, to see the old loving him and the sweet new him, but without any acknowledgement or any communication towards me of wanting to work on things. It is very much like he wants to slip right back into the marriage without dealing with the past. And I am okay with that for now. I'm going with it--for now. But there hasn't been a "let's take this slowly" or "let's try" or ANYTHING communication wise. And that's strange to me, but what about this last year isn't strange?