Pudmuddle, All of the "triggers" were put into place a while ago. The birth of your son may have thrown him through a loop because he would now have responsibility for this new little person. The accident set him up to thinking about how he could have been killed or permanently disabled for life. The uncle's death brought home the thought of mortality and it really did give him a lot to think about.
Your he may have felt left out a bit when his son was born. He didn't understand the connection between a baby and his mom. The bonding is very different and, of course, the attention was now focused on the baby. He felt resentment and jealousy and some abandonment in the mix.
Too many life changes for your h in a very short period of time. His coping skills were not mature enough to handle this overload. You both tried to work things out, but until he resolves his own issues, he won't heal. You can't help him fix himself. He has to be the one to face his issues, resolve them and want to grow up.
Pudmuddle, you didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him. The only person you can help is yourself. I know you are doing everything in your power to try to mend your marriage, but sometimes, you have to drop the rope and allow God to have that rope for a bit. You and your son need to find a way to continue moving forward, but leave the door ajar so that if your H wants to follow and catch up he can. Are you seeing a counselor on your own? If not, you might want to think about it. His crisis is not your fault. It would have happened whether he was married to you, single or a priest/minister because of his childhood issues. He has to grow up and learn how to be a mature man capable of coping in this crazy world.
For now, keep the focus on you and your son. Live your life as if he may never return. Dig deep for a lot of patience and give him the gift of time and space. Space is really what he needs now. Most importantly, take care of yourself health wise. Your son needs you now more than ever.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
