This post is for job to read as she asked me a question I wanted to answer for her. Anyone else can post of course, too.
Job, you had asked me what I thought might have triggered my H's first mlc. Looking back over the years, I think it may have started with the birth of our son. After he was born I observed that my H seemed to be jealous of the attention I was giving son. I think it started there but wasn't the kicker yet. This is also where I felt we started to disconnect. I didn't find it attractive that he was jealous of my S.
Maybe 4 years after that my H had an accident on his motocross bike and broke himself - collarbone, punctured lung, broken femur which now has a titanium rod. This laid him up for quite a while and he could no longer be the caretaker of the family. He had to totally be dependent upon me.
Two years after that his much loved uncle died, suddenly of heart attack. H's brother and he found the uncle sitting upright in his chair in his office, dead. I'm sure that must've been very disturbing.
Also, after this time is when I had an EA, or tried too. I was lonely for the man I loved and tried to fix it in the wrong way. The EA was married and turned me down even though we still spoke. My H found out about this and was crushed.
I won't go into further detail as it's all in my thread in Newcomers but when we found DB 6 years ago, it worked for us and we reconciled. Only we never really resolved any of our issues.
So here I am again. Throughout the 6 years he has been grumpy, depressed and critical of everything my S and I do. He was especially hard on my S. I have been emotionally lonely for 6 years while trying to help him as best I could. I failed. But I never turned outside the marriage. I never wanted to do that to him again. We both had felt that way. So I thought.
Two years ago, I started sinking into depression because I just did not know how to help him and it made me very bereft. Then a year after that my father passed away and that hit me like a ton of bricks. I sank further into depression and totally withdrew from a lot of life, including H. I was not the grumpy, depressed, don't touch me person. I know he did not know how to handle the extreme amounts of pain and hurt from me losing my father (he was a rock to me) and also losing my H. My H didn't not know how to help me deal nor did he seem interested. I had already lost him long ago. His way to find happiness was to again go outside the M.
I am crushed and wondering if we will be able to recover this time. It does not feel good. We feel so disconnected and have been withdrawn from each other, almost db'ing in a bad way, for so long, I just don't know anymore.
Thanks for reading this job. I appreciate your sage wisdom and guidance.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Pudmuddle, All of the "triggers" were put into place a while ago. The birth of your son may have thrown him through a loop because he would now have responsibility for this new little person. The accident set him up to thinking about how he could have been killed or permanently disabled for life. The uncle's death brought home the thought of mortality and it really did give him a lot to think about.
Your he may have felt left out a bit when his son was born. He didn't understand the connection between a baby and his mom. The bonding is very different and, of course, the attention was now focused on the baby. He felt resentment and jealousy and some abandonment in the mix.
Too many life changes for your h in a very short period of time. His coping skills were not mature enough to handle this overload. You both tried to work things out, but until he resolves his own issues, he won't heal. You can't help him fix himself. He has to be the one to face his issues, resolve them and want to grow up.
Pudmuddle, you didn't break him, therefore, you can't fix him. The only person you can help is yourself. I know you are doing everything in your power to try to mend your marriage, but sometimes, you have to drop the rope and allow God to have that rope for a bit. You and your son need to find a way to continue moving forward, but leave the door ajar so that if your H wants to follow and catch up he can. Are you seeing a counselor on your own? If not, you might want to think about it. His crisis is not your fault. It would have happened whether he was married to you, single or a priest/minister because of his childhood issues. He has to grow up and learn how to be a mature man capable of coping in this crazy world.
For now, keep the focus on you and your son. Live your life as if he may never return. Dig deep for a lot of patience and give him the gift of time and space. Space is really what he needs now. Most importantly, take care of yourself health wise. Your son needs you now more than ever.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I read this and it touched my heart deeply and made me cry. It touches me that someone really understands the pain I am going through. It touched me because I know you are right.
I so want to ask him to leave the house because this is his second A and it is hard to have him here being happy and just ignoring the pain. I just don't have the strength right now to make this boundary. How do I set such a boundary? We are in the early stages of the A, 4 months now, and so far just getting on with our lives, not much else. It hurts.
I am seeing a DB coach and need to make the next appointment.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
As difficult as it is, you have to let go and then help yourself. It was really difficult for me to tell my H to just go do what makes him happy and I would do the same. And it was hard to start thinking about a life without him. But, since I have started to plan for that possibility, I am much calmer and I don't feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.
Sure, I still think about it a lot and I pray that he will come back to me, but, like Job said, we didn't break them and we can't fix them. All we can do is take care of ourselves and, in your case, your son.
Hang in there ... Take care of yourself and take care of your son. I will say a prayer for you.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Pudmuddle, I wouldn't ask him to leave your home unless you are absolutely sure this is the right thing for you and your son. Once he's out of the house, he could very turn ugly and nasty and for now, even though you have to put up w/his behavior, at least he is under the same roof and sees his son.
The best thing I can advise you to do is live your life the best you can. Visualize him as a roommate and nothing more. If his behavior does get out of hand, you may end up having to sit him down and have a chat w/him about it and then advise him it might be best he leave. But for now, I'd sit tight, make sure you have some money squirreled away and watch your finances.
I know it's very difficult having them live at home, but there are others on this forum that have them at home and they may be able to give you some tips on how to deal w/him.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm with you PudMuddle. My H reconnected with the OW after some months apart and he is back in "love" and seeing him so happy makes me ill. He allowed the OW to move into his apartment over the summer.
Just remember this is a rollercoaster ride and right now our H's are on the upswing. What goes up, however, must come down. Especially, on this mid-life journey.
Last January, he considered that drugs and partying were the cause of his unhappiness, that could be!!! But, somewhat let go of the OW and came back into our lives.
Last spring, he was convinced his old job was the cause of his unhappiness.
Mid-summer, he hated his new job.
Now, he's convinced our marriage has been the source of his unhappiness over the last 20 years and she, apparently, understands him and gives him something I was never able to.
He is content. And TAN!!! I hate that the most. He looks good and seems happy.
But, it's only a matter of time before the demons rear their ugly heads again.
I feel your pain though. I do.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready. Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thanks job. For some reason your comment 'see/treat him as a roommate' really struck me. Yesterday when I put that thought into action it really helped me keep my cool and PMA together. When I started treating him as if he were someone I was rooming with I could see him more as a friend that I would treat better. Don't know why that clicked, but THANK YOU.
Heather, thank you so much for the added support. I can't imagine adding drugs and partying into the mix of all this. Ick.
Well, he may be the tan man right now and appearing to be happy, but that is all the character of him and not the soul. To me those things are not real and only surface happy stuff. Obviously your H is still trying to figure out what makes him happy and he is still looking at outside sources and not within himself yet. I've read your posts and you are an amazingly strong person.
Cadet, thank you so much for your additional resources. I have been over in Newcomer's so I have seen these and read them over and over and over again. Thank you.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
I did decide not to ask him to leave...yet. I was having a hurt moment and recognized that and didn't want to act off of my emotions. My PMA did improve yesterday and things at home went much better. I am getting better at recognizing my strong emotional moments and being able to step back so that is a huge positive for em. I have been so emotionally involved in helping my H feel better I have become too attached. So I need to let go and let him go through his journey.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
