chicken or egg?

[chasingpavements]

Hi etc. I think that you have come a long way, and that you are at a good point right now, where you realize that you are fine with things, no matter which way you are headed. No matter what you will be fine. You ARE DB'ing.. you are GAL and taking care of yourself and your children. You are making your happiness a priority.

It's good that you are pushing those thoughts of "how could she do this to me?" out of your mind. I find myself slipping into those thoughts every so often as well. Then I just rationalize to myself that there is no help in worrying about things that now cannot be changed. However, we can move forward and keep on DB'ing and living life to it's fullest.

There's no place to be angry with the MLCer b/c this is really just a stage of life for them that they were going to go through no matter what. They're not doing this on purpose to be vengeful even though we're often taking it this way. We need to have complete compassion for them no matter how difficult it is b/c they're actually teaching us about ourselves and how much we were overly dependent upon them pre-BD. Our dependence (even if it's a mis-perception on their part) burned them out and for whatever reason gave them this strong urge to run from us.

I need to keep remembering this.. that they are not doing it on purpose, they are on their own journey right now.

The only way for us to really heal is to completely let go of the past over and over again and to start each day as a new beginning. This is the only way to true forgiveness and thus this is the only way reconciliation will ever be possible for our sitches. We need to prove that we won't hold any of this over their head when their journeys are finally complete.

Well said etc!!

I especially like the last part about not holding it over their heads. I need to remember that. My H wants to have a talk with me about possibly reconciling. We are both trying to think of some things we would like to change in order to move forward. In talking with my H in the past I have usually jumped into 'defensive mode' rather than validating, and trying to understand what he is going through, and actually listening to his concerns. I used to be on the "debate team" in high school. lol!!!! I think H and I tend to debate during arguments (why we are right and they are wrong.. not good!!!)

For me, going into this talk, I need to remember what you have written here about not holding things over his head to be used against him... At times I feel so resentful toward him, feeling that he has put me through so much pain. I feel like every so often I need to go back and remember what you have written there about their journey and having compassion for them.

Thanks etc!!!