A Fresh, New Day - Pt II

[JayMan]

Holy moly, pud! I gotta read this a couple times, but first blush, it seems like you both got some very honest raw feelings on the table, maybe for the first time in a long time.

[Pudmuddle]

LOL@John. Didn't mean to make you blush, I can be openly expressive about s*x things at times.

I know, it was awesome and painful at the same time. I have to keep rereading it myself. There was a lot going on. And you're right, it was a dynamic we haven't had in a long time.

[Pudmuddle]

Not sure why I misspelled your name Jon. Weird. Sorry!

[AnotherStander]

I apologize in advance for the bluntness and 2x4's, but after reading that I feel quite strongly that someone needs to tell it to you like it is...

But I actually felt this was really good, even thought it was very hard and hurtful to both of us, because we are actually starting the R talks.

First, just about everything you did was anti-DB'ing. The reason you feel good is you got a lot of stuff off your chest. Unfortunately it was a huge backslide. Your H would never tell you this, but was no doubt thinking "wow does this ever justify my desire to leave this M". You placed a lot of pressure on him and that's a big no-no. You're pushing him out the door. Second, what you had wasn't a conversation. A conversation is two-way communication. This was all you venting your feelings to him and him basically nodding his head and saying you're right. HE validated YOU when it should have been the other way around.

Are you reading Sandi's tips every day? If not you should be, even multiple times a day. DO NOT push R talks! If your H wants to talk about it then fine, you LISTEN and VALIDATE.

Your last line bothers me most of all: "because we are actually starting the R talks". Is it your intent to have MORE convo's like this one? Don't! Do you think it was healthy? It wasn't!!

Stop what you're doing, go back and study Sandi's tips and read DR again. This was a backslide, but you can recover from it. But first you need to understand that it was a backslide and why it was a backslide so that you can move forward with your DB'ing from here. You can do this! Good luck!

[Pudmuddle]

Oh I know it was all wrong, totally. I still have bitterness obviously. I am working through the hurt, to get to the other side. Even though this convo was all wrong, it is the first time in 6 years we have actually talked about any of this stuff for a period of time. I did not initiate it, he did. I acknowledged many times in writing this that I was not db'ing and that I was doing all the talking. He actually held my hand on the couch. We both know we are working with mountains of hurt. And despite it not being db we both felt we had things to get out. I can now remember this and work on what I need to fix on myself in future sitch.

It didn't feel like a major backslide, sometimes we have to step back to move forward.

[planet]

oh puddy, 'jolts' like this don't work.
I tried it a few times in my situation, none of them worked.

Anyway, i really hope IT worked for YOU.

[Pudmuddle]

Yeah, planet, this morning I feel like I have a hangover. It didn't work, I never said it did, it was just what happened.

I did lots if thinking on my own last night and have gotten a fresher perspective on how I need to proceed with my life. My life, just me.

[Pudmuddle]

Today, after I effed up majorly, I am in full PMA mode today.

Walked downstairs to get my coffee, H was in the kitchen. He asked what was up with one of our dogs, because I kicked (not literally) dog out of my room this morning.

I said Oh he was up and down, in and out, I couldn't even get half and hour of decent sleep. But he isn't like that all the time, so it's cool.

Then my H pulled out some cinnamon rolls that I had bought weeks ago and started to make them. I had bought them for him in my pursue phase because I know he LOVES cinnamon rolls. He hadn't made them until now. So I said Oh, you're finally going to make those huh? in a fun smiley tone. I saw the corner of his mouth curl up in a smile.

Then I was making my coffee, and yesterday during our heated convo he had mentioned that I had a marilyn monroe going on. I was confused and then he said I had a coffee ground stuck to my lip like a marilyn monroe beauty mark. So today, while making my coffee I checked out the cup rim very carefully and cracked I just want to make sure I have no marilyn's going on, haha.
He smiled at that again.

Then he went into his room and started sorting his laundry. I was sitting watching the tv and he came out, as he was going to the laundry room he said 'did you get all your laundry done this week?' (We had been doing our laundry together still). I simply said 'That's ok, I can do my own laundry'. He said You sure? with his back towards me this whole time. And I didn't answer as he went into the laundry room.

I then decided it was time to depart since my PMA was good and we were leaving it at nice, light convo.

Sigh. I hate the separation.

[Pudmuddle]

I think I am going to ask him to move out. Not negating anyone else's pain here, but this 2nd time around hurts more than the first time and I feel like I can't fix myself while he is still in the same house. I feel like he is just having the life he wants with all of his comforts here and getting his emotional happiness elsewhere and I think he needs to experience his journey full force. Because I can no longer try to fix him. He needs to grow on his own.

I'd like you to consider moving out. I feel that I can no longer be around you while you are trying to figure yourself out with another person. It is hard for me as your wife to watch and wonder where you are, if you are ok, and if you are coming home. It has become obvious to me that you do not want to work on our marriage, or consider getting help for yourself to get through this. I cannot stand by and say we have a marriage when you feel you must take up with a mistress/f buddy to be happy. This is not what a marriage is.

And Yes, I fully understand the consequences of this action. If he takes it to the next level, then he must do that. I can no longer keep doing it the way it has been going.

[Pudmuddle]

I'm going to bake on this for a few days. See how I feel then. I have an appointment with IC for med check, but we also talk. Then I have a db coach appointment following week.