Deciding What to Do.....

[MyNewStrength]

Planet and AS - My decision is based on PURE emotion. I do not want a D, but how do I get the badgering to stop and it will not make a difference anyway.

I am suffering. My mind cannot not shut off the pain and thoughts of everything I have been through. My soul is crying out for my love, for my family, for my friends, for God. But there is nothing - only silence. Complete silence.

I am ashamed of me. How can I love someone who has betrayed the one value I cherish most? But I do love him. I was raised to love and trust in God and to ALWAYS do the RIGHT thing when it came to others no matter what. And I am screaming at God for this trial in my life after so many suffering experiences in the past. And I know we all have past experiences.

I have always wanted a child, but I had miscarriages and discovered that I could never bear children. I felt like less than a woman. I cried and still cry for this loss.

How can God put this trial in my way after I have suffered. When is it enough? Why when I have ALWAYS done right by my husband, my mom, my sisters, niece, and nephews. We (my husband and I) bought a small house for my mother after she recovered from brain cancer, a stroke, and a heart attack 5 years ago and now he saying that we spent all of our money on her. THIS was NEVER an issue before because we made the decision to buy and wanted her to be comfortable. My mom's retirement pay is very small and she could not afford even an apartment on her own. I am not sure what to do know about that because he is not going to help with those expenses any longer.

Divorce is now a marker of achievement. This world is not just.. How and why do the evil, wicked, sinful, and deceitful prosper and are happy? And the wronged are wrought with despair and betrayal? Please don't say that God wants us to be closer to him or that he is making room for something else in our lives, because I have heard that. That theory conflicts with the other teachings from the bible.

I pray on my knees everyday for the love, safety, health and protection of my family and friends and always end with a special prayer for my husband. God has turned his face away from me, as have others.

My soul and my faith has been rocked recently by all of this because it "I" DID NOT (YOU DID NOT) deserve this? Where is God when there is so much hurt and pain? I was a good daughter, wife, sister, and aunt. I may never get a honest response from my Husband on why he did this again, but I thought God would help me understand and would fix it.

But now, I get up every morning at 3 because my brain cannot rest from the shame of having been betrayed for a second time and deposited out. My conscience cannot rest, so then betrayal must be common for people without a conscience.

My Husband has said he is NOT coming back.....in the past he never said that and never really took steps to initiate or badger me into a divorce. So now, all hope is lost, he has taken steps to get as far away from me. Even my friends haven't called and I don't want to be a bother to them. SO I came here to vent and write my thoughts.

I am lonely, I am alone - no one to hug, no one to share anything with. It is all so engulfing that I want to give up.
:'(