Hi all - I haven't been on these boards in about 7 months; I feel like I'm up against a lot of confusion about what stuff is mine and what isn't mine, in my M.
Here are some threads I started back in 2012 if you care to read up on my original sitch:
Things got a lot better after he "came to again" back in January, and said he felt he had been going through some kind of MLC but realized he didn't want to lose me. He started showering me with love again and I felt that we were definitely on the right track. We started being close again, doing things like going out to dinner, going on short trips, etc. (Btw - I had suspected the MLC myself, but kept it to myself till he was ready to talk - as per the good advice I got here).
For the most part things did go back to normal over the past few months or so, not to say we don't have problems, we always have, to some degree but I can say it felt good to be together again. And I felt like a team, and loved by him again.
He had gone to see our MT at one point a couple of months ago, because we had a serious conversation about the infrequency of our sex life while we were on vacation, and I think part of the reason seems to be he's still holding things against me from our early dating life. I still don't understand a lot of it, but that's another story.
A couple of weeks ago we were getting ready to eat dinner, and an argument erupted between us. First he started raising his voice over something, so I asked him not to yell if he wanted to say something, then it kept up, etc. I was tired and not in the mood and ended up saying he was being "a little B".
I usually don't resort to name calling (for the most part) but I think lately I've also been feeling really taken for granted, ie: he's doing a lot less for me like cooking me dinner like he used to without complaining about it, doing anything thoughtful for me at all, even trying a little bit. I feel like it's gotten really comfortable for him and although he hasn't been unkind, and still says he loves me etc, we're out having fun at times - I had brought up at least a couple of times that I was feeling resentful lately, due to being the only one to ever plan and pay for our vacations, always having to be the one to have the emergency money if anything ever came up, always paid for anything he needed and was always having to drop the idea he would ever pay me back (only if it was a large amount and I needed the money) and was the one who tried to do thoughtful things for him whenever I could, etc. I tried to let him know that those things were definitely still important to me too, like just an occasional card, planning things for us to do, etc. His reply was that "we're not dating anymore".
I don't want it to sounds like I'm keeping some kind of score. I was never the type that expected anything fancy or felt I needed to be compensated for anything I did...for the most part I've always been perfectly content with an occasional sign of thoughtfulness here and there, just like anyone would. It's more so that increasingly I feel like I'm in the role of giver, and he's in the role of "comfortable taker".
Anyway, the argument turned into a full blown fight. He retaliated to my insult with the C word - first time for that but it really hurt. It ended up where we both just went off on terrible insults and I regret it deeply. Because of the severity of this fight, he ended up saying "you know you were really cruel". Which is surprising because he went for the jugular on all counts!
I immediately texted him once he left for work and apologized for what I had said. He did too, but said something about "sorry I wasn't the man you wanted" or something. The next day I tried to approach him again with an apology and to ask if he was planning on leaving (kind of a theme for him always saying it), but it ended up with him telling me that yes he was going to leave me, that our marriage had disintegrated, that he just wanted me to leave him alone and stop talking. Apparently me saying "I can't deal with you not speaking to me for months again" wasn't a wise thing to say. And for the most part, we haven't really spoken a ton in the past few weeks. I did tell him if he wanted to leave, he should move out then, and the reply was "when I have the money, I don't have it right now".
There are really small signs he's almost coming around (wearing his ring again) - wasn't wearing it for the first week. He brought me a snack from work and gave it to me this morning. We've been joking a little here and there. He's still sleeping in another room though. We haven't spent time together, or spoken about what happened. I'm not pushing the issue like I normally would. I guess I don't understand why or how I put myself in the position to be the one who always has to wait for him to come around. And I don't understand how he always holds a grudge for so long. Or maybe he wants to leave, I have no idea.
In the meantime, I've upped my social life by a lot, have been keeping busy and don't bother him with "why, when, what". But I feel like once again I have no answers as to whether he's really leaving or not. He's so casual with me, and it's driving me crazy. How does someone turn off feelings for you?
I'm acting as if I'm moving on with my life, with or without him, showing no sadness or real emotion and just playing it close to the vest, but am wondering am I doing something wrong? Why can't I have a normal marriage? I know I'm not perfect, but how long am I going to be punished? I feel like the most unhealthy couple ever.
I have thought about what's stopping me from leaving, and it's that when things are back to normal, I'd say 80% of the time things are great. It's the 20% that gets us. Of course there are things I'd like to change in his behavior, but those aren't deal breakers. He's kind to me and thoughtful with his words, I guess. It's not like I'm being abused or feel unloved. I just wish things were a little better, and this makes me feel like maybe we're more screwed up than I thought?
