A Fresh, New Day - Pt II

[Pudmuddle]

Ok, good people, I blew it.

I came downstairs after waking, got some coffee and a banana and went to sit on the couch to veg at tv. My H was downstairs working at his desk with bills and stuff.

He then came upstairs after a bit and started talking about the bills and then said 'I would like to get the checkbook in order so that we can start separating our money, you have your account, I have mine, we put this here and that there...this is where I started fading out. Terror struck my heart. After I listened to him I said 'I don't think that's a good idea right now, because I still have lots of thinking to do too.' He said ok and seemed to be ok with it. Ok, that part was ok db'ing. What follows, not so much.

I then followed him back downstairs to his office and said 'I don't think we should do that because we are not in a place where we are even friends right now. And friends don't do this to friends.' He said 'you're right'. I said 'we need to be in a better place before we can even think of doing anything forward like that'. He said 'I would agree, we do have a kid together, we will be in each other's lives forever'.

Then I said we have a LOT to talk about, but I know I can't ask you that right now, so I'm waiting for you to feel ready for that. He bluntly said 'Ok what do you want to talk about?' I said No it can't work that way, you have to want to talk about things. You tell me. He proceeded to start talking about the bills and how I had spent money on things lately and hadn't talked to him about them. (Most of them were for health/counseling type stuff). I said You're right I should have let you know. But they were for health stuff and I didn't think we had that money just sitting in the checkbook, that's why I used the credit card. He said I've worked hard trying to pay stuff off and now there is more on it. I then validated that I really appreciated how hard he had worked on the bills, since he had taken it over from me years ago, and I understood why he felt that way.

Then emotions took over and I can't remember specific things said in the conversation, but we turned to R talk. I found myself saying You did this, and you did that. And then he felt like I always blamed him for stuff. I told him he was right, I was still very hurt and I was making it sound like that. I tried to find specific examples of stuff in the past of where I could see our R breaking down and he was surprised at a lot of it. Like him being jealous of the R with S after he was born. I told him I had felt emotionally lonely for quite a while because of the way he chose to deal with issues. He admitted to being immature in the past and not knowing how to deal with things when they came up. He said he was still hurt about the EA I had back 7 years ago, I was his queen and I let him down.

I told him I had done that back then because I didn't know how to deal with his emotional detachment from me back then. If he didn't get sex he felt rejected and would emotionally detach quickly. I told him he never tried to understand why I was detaching physically because he couldn't see the emotional side to ask me why I felt that way.

I told him I had done most of his hobby/outdoor activities with him for years and that he had a hard time doing things that I liked to do, with me, just because I liked to do them. And if he did do them with me, he seemed to be cranky and like he really didn't want to be there. how fun is that? So again I felt emotional detachment from him. Then over the past 6 years he has never recovered from the last time we were here and he has been cranky, critical and even depressed. He kind of nodded his head in agreement with that. I also told him this is one of the reasons my depression started was because I felt I was trying so hard to help him and he would not let me help him. He would not tell me what was wrong. I felt hopeless that I couldn't help my love. I told him I felt bad because I had not created a safe enough environment for him to allow him to feel like he could talk to me. When he wasn't there for me when my father died and then after I sank into deeper depression because of that that hurt incredibly bad that he wasn't there emotionally. He said he had tried to get involved but that I turned him out again and again, so he stopped trying. I'd have to agree with that, because I felt so g-d*amn awful I didn't think of him at all. I told him Deep depression does that to a person and it is not fun. But I wished he had tried harder to understand what depression was and how it affects people.

Through most of this conversation I observed how I did keep saying you did this and you did that and he would shutdown by saying, ok your'e right whatever. I kept saying don't do that because this is a conversation we must have and when you shutdown it doesn't go any further. I also realized that I don't give him a chance to speak at times, I keep talking.

^^Things I need to work on.

I then realized how un-validating I was and why our past heated discussions ended up with us where we are now. So I began to tell him that I really appreciated everything he does for us, how he takes care of the bills and has paid off most of our debt, how much he does around the house, washes my car for no reason and takes car of all the car maintenance. (He is an AOS and WOA love languages). I told him I realize I have not shown him a lot of respect in our discussions and that is something I need to work on. But we have to continue to talk so that we can work things out. I told him I understand why he is seeking happiness outside of M, that I totally get that. But I also wished that he would just take a step back and look at what is going on.

I did get several H induced deep hugs which really made me feel amazing. I told him the emotional was important but the physical was just as important. And when I had often turned him he immediately took it personal and felt rejected but never tried to understand WHY I had turned him down. Maybe I just had a bad day, or was stressing out and it had nothing to do with him. He said You're right. He apologized for the many things he felt he had done, and how much he had hurt me now. I said the words would mean more if the actions were there to show it. He agreed and again said what do you want me to do? I said I can't tell you what to do, because I can't control how you feel now. You have to figure out what that means to you.

At one point when the convo was winding down, I told him I miss his physical touch. Then I cracked a joke about how I didn't know how much longer the vibrator was going to hold out. We both laughed and he said Well...while he was laughing.

So, my friends, I know there were a LOT of no-no's in this whole thing and I'm sure I have left some things out as well. But I actually felt this was really good, even thought it was very hard and hurtful to both of us, because we are actually starting the R talks. This also gives me a LOT to think about and a lot of opportunity to fine-tune 180s.

He gave me a total of 3 DEEP hugs for a long time and I have to say that was most amazing feeling that from him.

Lots to work on here. I now need to sleep for 3 days straight.