The reason he keeps checkin' in isn't because of the car, it's because the two of you really had something. On some level, he realizes this. The car, or any other subject, is just a "safe" excuse for him.
Yep, Fy is right, whatever works is what they'll use to stay in contact. It's not really the car that he's interested in, it's you and what you're doing. So again, if you don't have any expectations let him use whatever excuse he wants to satisfy his curiosity.
Originally Posted By: Portia
And if I meet Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome before xSO wakes up - well, consequences is all I can say!
Now you're talkin' girl! Good PMA and too bad for him if he wakes up too late to realize that he's given up the best thing that happened to him. With Snodderly, Bea and all of the other long time DBers guiding us, we can't go wrong no matter how our situations end. We have the best chance on this website of either saving our relationship and building a new one or evolving to a place that we can say that we gave it our best shot. Either way we will survive our spouses/so's mlc. The other website sounds okay if you are looking for support personally but not so much insight and advice on what may work to preserve a marriage/long term relationship.
I'm running on fumes here after another near sleepless night so I'll stop the rambling and wish you a good evening and a full nights sleep!
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Hi Portia! Just catching up, and am so glad to hear you sounding so happy and strong, despite random texts. I'm happy you are still on your SO's mind! And still have hope that he will return to you some day, but too bad, his loss, sounds like you are strong and moving on!
This touched a chord with me: "The texts are so strange because they are so normal, if that makes sense? Like he didn't do such heinous things and like we parted on good terms. Like it hasn't been almost a year since we saw each other or spent time together."
The exact same thought went thru my mind this morning about my H. He just spent a month in another country with another woman, actually sharing her flat with her, yet this morning is acting perfectly normal. Friendly, chatty. Except for the fact that I did not get the old pre BD#2 morning kiss and hug, he is acting perfectly normal. None of that recent MLC tenseness, walking away, ignoring me, nasty comments. As if he has not just been boinking the Tramp for a month, more like he was away for a couple of days with a friend or relative. I don't get it!
I admit it, I illegally had expectations that his trip would change something between us, either for better or worse. How could he still be acting exactly like my normal H? Maybe things have changed for the better? I dunno!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
He was one of those men who helped lost old ladies and everyone liked. His kindness was one of the things I loved about him. I think that is why his treatment of me doubly hurt. He could be infinitely kind to strangers but could not find it in him to be kind to me at the worst times in my life. And then berated me for everything I was.
Portia, it is like you are describing my H. He was always kind to people, especially old ladies, or single women needed help for that matter. I did a lot of things for him while we were married, I supported him through difficult times, took care of him when he was sick. And what do I get now? He behaves like I almost don’t exist. My friends at our vacation home place keep shaking their heads every time we have a conversation concerning H. They are at loss why he treats me this way.
I’m almost sure that his R with OW, if there is still one, is deteriorating. The rose covered glasses are coming off. I would be curious too, what is happening over there. I’m sure you will find out one day.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
He was one of those men who helped lost old ladies and everyone liked. His kindness was one of the things I loved about him. I think that is why his treatment of me doubly hurt. He could be infinitely kind to strangers but could not find it in him to be kind to me at the worst times in my life. And then berated me for everything I was.
Portia, it is like you are describing my H. He was always kind to people, especially old ladies, or single women needed help for that matter. I did a lot of things for him while we were married, I supported him through difficult times, took care of him when he was sick. And what do I get now? He behaves like I almost don’t exist. My friends at our vacation home place keep shaking their heads every time we have a conversation concerning H. They are at loss why he treats me this way.
You both are talking about my H as well. One family member just told me that the family thought he was the nicest guy. The best of the lot. Now, everyone can't stand him
Glad to read you're doing well Portia. Enjoy your weekend
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
So, someone pressed fast forward on my time these days!
Doing really well. And doing lots of thinking. But only have a few seconds, so won't bore you until later!
Managed to buy a small compact car, keep cat from biting the vet and prep dad for surgery and hospital stay. Everything should go smoothly.
A strange question (feeling?) popped up in my head and hear: I am supposed to text xSO a picture once I got the car. I haven't yet. And....I can't explain why....I am not really sure I want to. Am I just out of practice being the initiator? I miss what used to be, but this nit-picky random stuff seems so pointless to me.
Did anyone else get surprised by themselves like this? I learned detachment when dealing with an alcoholic but this feels different somehow. I wish I could describe it. Can you miss the person they were and yet at the same time be extremely wary of the person they have become?
Hope everyone finds a bit of sunshine today, even though I know some of you are having a hard day. Even on cloudy days, the sun has the potential to shine.
Hi Portia! Congratulations on the new car. I'm sure you are enjoying it and I love the smell of a new car. Crazy isn't it?
Poor kitty! I'm sure the vet is use to being bitten by the cats that come in for visits. I hope the little one is okay.
I will keep your father in my thoughts and prayers for a successful surgery and a speedy recovery.
Portia, I do understand what you are saying about detachment. Yes, you can miss the person that you once knew, but also be leery of the person that he/she is today because they are so out of character from pre-crisis time.
BTW, I wouldn't send him a photo just yet. Let him come to you and if he asks, then send him a photo.
Take care and be kind to yourself. You've got a lot on your plate these days.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Catching up here tonight and it's way too late for me to be here but I wanted to check in and see how your dad did with his surgery. Hoping all went well.
Congrats on the car purchase. Hope you made sure that the salesman earned his commission and you got a screamin' deal!
Portia, I completely understand what you're saying about missing the person that we knew and fell in love with. We can hope that when our SO/spouses finish their journey that the qualities that made them special to us will still be there and the ugliness that we saw in them as they began their journey will have been left behind. I still see my h a few times a week. As I watch and listen to him I see a different person emerging. Not necessarily the person that he will be when/if he finishes his journey.
As I read some of the threads of those that have reconciled I wonder how many feel like they are reconnecting with a stranger. For me, I'm taking it one step at a time, one day at a time and am resolved to not look ahead and will trust that if/when my h comes to the end of his journey that I will know what to do. There are people here that will help us find our way through that part of our journey.
Take care of you and your family and wait patiently. Your SO's curiosity will get the better of him and he'll contact you soon.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Hello Everyone! Always awesome to have your support.
Time is a flying!
Oh Queen Kitty is fine. Honestly, like every other cat owner, I am pretty sure that she thinks she owns me. Actually, I am sure mine owns me, the spoiled fuzz-nut.
Job - you will always be Snodderly to me! - I was wondering if someone would recognize that website from my description. It is truly too bad that the conclusion is "my way or the high-way" and the rather judgmental tone ruins her otherwise positive messages of self-worth - that regardless of what WE have done in a relationship, there is a grown up, respectable and honest way to exit one and that our partner's less than stellar choices have nothing to do with who we are. Unfortunately, if a person does not handle said situation how she wants you to, the blow-back is incredible.
I remember how big I was in blaming myself for losing him - I was/was not [fill in the blank] and I deserved what I got. It did not help that outside friends and family basically said the same thing - well, you weren't married... But I have learned that if he wanted out - he should have grown a pair and talked to me. Even if I was a raving shrew, I did not deserve his treatment of me. It took a long time for me to get there.
Know what else? I am OK. I have learned that I still do prefer the "untraditional" life - the travelling, the making my own rules. The thought of being behind a white picket fence is not for me. That I still do not want children. That I am independent and I hope someday to meet someone who likes that about me.
I would hold out for FY, but it seems he is taken
Am loving the new-to-me car smell and the freedom of having a vehicle!
Apparently, xSO can smell it from far away. It is almost funny that he has fallen into a pattern whenever there is a long weekend or holiday that he texts me. This weekend was no different. Quite a few texts were exchanged on the nature of the cars - his "new one" and mine. I made him guess by sending pics of different parts of the car He said he would have to do some research when he got home but he was at work.
I confess, when he gives me those details, it always reminds me of when he was trying to cover something up with the GF. I think that should be put on the checklist for cheating - over-explanation. Even if what he said was true, that is what it reminded me of.
He sent me a picture of his. I will admit that I couldn't help trying to see the interior to see if there was a baby or child's seat. Couldn't see a thing, tinted windows. No mention of GF either.
Unless this escalates, I won't ask. But I will not allow this to go beyond casual texts if he is still with her, so I will have to ask if he does not volunteer. There will be no contact if he is still with her. Not after all that has happened. I will find myself invited to their wedding or some stupid thing. Nope.
So, he'll have to think of something else now that he has all the car information.
Dad's surgery was cancelled until this Friday. He's a wreck. I am trying to DB him (Just Validate!) But what I really want is for the docs to knock him out cold until they are finished. Affectionately, of course! xSO has no idea - other than the car details, he knows nothing about my life. Can't expect support from that quarter, in any event.
NLT, I am taking my lessons from you - just going with the flow for now.
heehee (and send me a copy) 