So H and I had a discussion Monday about moving forward with our relationship again and working on our issues as a couple. We have been separated exactly a month now. In the beginning, I thought our separation was final, and we were headed toward divorce. Then, he hinted about having a change of heart. Then on Monday he said he wanted to work on things. Now we are in the process of figuring out how to move forward with everything.
My question is.... when would be an appropriate time for him to move back in (assuming he wants to)? How long should we give it? Should we do some counseling before he moves back? Should we start out slowly, like he comes home on weekends for a bit? Should we start dating/going out with each other again?
I realize that we are going to have to put a lot of effort into figuring out where things went wrong in our relationship, and fixing them. We are both going to do IC. We both agree that things are going to have to change and we don't want to go back to how things were before.
Is it too soon for him to move back in?
I asked him if he wanted to have a quick talk today when he was over. He said he would like to talk after the long weekend. I asked why and he said that he would like to have a nice long, unrushed talk about everything, and moving forward. This is a strange experience for me. My H, the non-talker/distancer, is all of the sudden wanting to have R talks with me?
Now he has me worried! lol. I haven't talked to my counselor yet about all of this and I am worried that I will not have any answers for him right away, about how fast we should be moving.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Still not sure about the whole moving back in thing. I can wait to see what H's ideas are. Also, I have an appt on Tuesday with my DB coach.. woo hoo!!! So I can hopefully have some more answers and clarity then. Have a good weekend everyone.. and for those Canadian folks.. Happy Thanksgiving weekend!!!
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
IDN, but I'd be inclined to let him back home as soon as he feels ready. Here's why:
You both are getting along civilly. You both are in IC and wanting to work on the M. The sooner you get back together, the sooner you can start rebuilding the connection needed for a new M. On the other hand, the longer he stays away, the greater the distance between you. (at least in my mind)
You can still take it slow and give space with him in the home. Lots of us are doing just that. We don't touch, and sometimes don't talk much, but my W sleeps in our home every night. That means a lot to me.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY, I think I would like him to move back soon. I would like to have him in the same house. I'm sure after our talk I will have a better idea of where he is sitting with all of this. I think that he would like to talk more about things before he is ready to move in.
Yesterday he told me he would like to sit down and talk about where we think things went wrong, and what we can do differently. He doesn't want us to make the same mistakes again. I have a feeling he is going to come with a big laundry list of issues that he has with me and what I have done wrong. I am used to getting defensive when talking to him and I have the tendency to shut down his ideas or start debating with him, etc. I used to be on the debate team in school.. it comes naturally to me! I really need to work on 'VALIDATING'. I have been getting better at that.
Sometimes I think I let my resentment get the best of me. I get into the mindset that I have been in so much pain from the last 7 months, and I tend to think, 'how dare you say that after all you have put me through!!'. I need to stop thinking that and just realize that we both contributed to the breakdown in the marriage. And just work on listening to his concerns without being defensive.
I also think he is going to look to me for answers on how to move forward with everything and, truth is, I don't know! Hopefully my session with the DB coach will help with that.
I think what we are most looking for now is getting that connection and love back.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Anyone know if there are any good books (or readings on here) about piecing/reconcilliation? How to reconcile after separating? I've got a couple of days to do some homework on the subject before I talk with H....
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
So I can hopefully have some more answers and clarity then. Have a good weekend everyone.. and for those Canadian folks.. Happy Thanksgiving weekend!!!