H came over today since last night didn't work out. Kudus to him because we have a ton of flooding and he could have used it as an excuse not to come again.
I reminded myself that he was here not to see me, and not because he wanted my company, but because I made him feel guilty about not pitching in enough with our newborn. So while he was here I focused on chores like cleaning the bathroom, laundry, etc and left him alone most of the time he was here. At dinner I even picked up a book and read at the island instead of sitting alone at the table like I typically end up doing. He tends to not eat here for whatever reason and its amazing how lonely it can feel to eat alone when someone else is in the same house. The book was probably a bit rude since he's sort of a guest here, but I enjoyed having something to do while eating.
Toward the end of his visit I hopped on my computer and finished up some things for work and thanked him for coming to help, saying he was free to go at any time. I didn't go and join him on the couch or 'hang out' with him at all like I normally would. I also mentioned I could start dropping S off at his place for short times so he's not always having to do all the driving. I made sure to say 'drop off' rather than saying 'we can come visit' so he knew that I meant I'd leave S with him not that I was looking to spend time with him.
I wasn't cold or pushy and I didn't say anything about our R or the status of things. However, I want him to see that I'm not staying in this limbo and just waiting for the inevitable conversation where he says he cares about us but just doesn't have feelings for me anymore. I can feel a wall going up around my own feelings and wanting to just accept that I'm a single mom again rather than spending time thinking of how to work this out. Really he needs to take a few steps forward if he wants to work this out - the ball is really back in his court because I'm sick of bouncing it against a wall
Once again, as has happened in the past, as I start to feel myself letting go he starts showing signs of pulling closer. I had to pull teeth to get him over today but then he seemed very quick to want to plan time together again tomorrow after this odd night between us. I told him I was busy Sunday and he seemed very interested to hear what we would be up to. He already mentioned a bunch of things he had going on this weekend and said earlier this week he couldn't afford to come over much. Interesting that now he wants to come two days in a row.
Seems like we are always like ships passing in the night... one sailing out, one sailing in, never sailing in the same direction at the same time.
BD: Aug 2012 Separated since May 2013 S born Aug 2013 Aug 2013 H agrees to consider 'baby steps toward working things out' H is/was actively seeing someone?
