@NTX Sigh, you were right, I'm not too proud to admit it.
I have been gone awhile, and then out of the blue, W's crazy side pops up!!
W: "Today was a bit much, you were too clingy".
Me: "Excuse me?"
W: "You know I give an inch, and you take a mile."
Me: "I'm confused. From Sunday to Wednesday I didn't contact you at all. Wednesday you texted me about the stay, and I only texted you a couple of times. Today, YOU invited me over for coffee. I stayed less than an hour, and when I left, YOU said I didn't have to go, and for me to just stay. We hugged one time. I left anyway because I needed to work. Later, I dropped off S5, and YOU said, "Hey, why don't you guys stay awhile, you don't have to leave, but we left because we had chores to get caught up."
W: "Well, you were too clingy. Now quit texting me."
I called her and left a VM just trying to validate that I understand there is a lot going on. I said that I was confused by her perception of the day, and that I'd prefer to understand why she felt that way, but otherwise to have a nice weekend. It was hard, I wanted to yell in the phone, "Good lord, woman, what is wrong with you!!??" But I didn't.
I AM confused. If I had been calling her and texting and bugging and begging, I guess I could understand her being that way, but the whole day was her idea! I literally saw her for about a total of an hour, and we texted a little bit about her piano afterward, initiated by HER, then she went out to left field.
This is insane - I mean she hugged me HARD, was all wistfully talking about a baby. I dunno, maybe she opened up too much, and felt like she needed to re-gain some ground.
You didn't say anything about the future did you? That might appear clingy.
Besides helping you grow, going dark doesn't give the WAS that kind of ammo. I know going dark doesn't feel intuitive but until you get through the process, it's hard to understand.
I'd say it's time for you to get off her roller coaster.
Check please! lol
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
It seemed like it was her talking about the future and being clingy here:
[She did say she saw a baby the other day that had black hair and blue eyes (W's hair is almost black and I have very blue eyes). She kind of sighed and said, "You never know what the future holds for us." I told her that would be expensive and iffy - both of us have been "fixed". She said, "Well, we could adopt." I was like "Let's cross that bridge when we come to it!" - and changed the subject. awkward!
Have you ever thought that your w is having a feeling and she is not comfortable with it and so she projects it onto you as if it is your feeling?
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
It's funny about the baby thing; I thought she was joking at first about the clingy stuff, so I said something like, "Well look who's talking about having babies!"
She literally was like, "Well, you brought it up.". Completely ignored what she said. I just was dumbfounded that she would rewrite that whole part of the conversation.
Whew, it is time to step BACK. This is a whole level of craziness. I'm glad everyone else thought the same as I did.
I am not totally up to speed on your entire sit but I do recall reading the below or something like it many times
Originally Posted By: Jon
Whew, it is time to step BACK.
Originally Posted By: Jon
staying focused on a week of dark
Originally Posted By: Jon
I'll probably need a week or two of dim just to get W back to speaking
IMHO (and I am definitely not a vet) I read your posts as you wanting to go dim/dark/whatever but not doing it. On every occasion you jump in, like this one:
W: "You know I give an inch, and you take a mile."
You picked this line up, sent a looong text about how your W should feel and when she turned you down you called her.
Pudmuddle suggested not answering the initial text at all and that a mighty fine suggestion. You could also have chosen
I am sorry you feel that way.
You need to do what you say want: Back off! Your answer to the above is – again IMHO – violating the following:
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
You are pursuing her and do realize that you can’t argue with her! She stated a feeling and nothing else! You can understand it or not – it’s a feeling! So validate as AS have explained earlier and then leave it!
Next time she comes at you it would be my suggestion to lovingly end the convo. Pull back for real! Leave her to handle her own feelings. You can’t do it for her. You can’t argue with her or tell her that her feelings are wrong. I totally get your confusion since I lived with W for 5 months and she was just plain kind all the way. It a living nightmare and the only way to wake up is to pull back for real.
So my suggestion is that next time she does something like this and you are in doubt about what to do you go with Pud if no question is asked – don’t answer. If a question is asked then answer it but do it short. Do not explain your answer or standing – just give it and let it be.
I agree on the crazy part but realize that she is a WAS. She is properly in even worse turmoil than you are! Imagine if she started telling you how you should feel. What would that do to you? Would she ever be able to convince you not to feel sad or hurt?
Do not argue!
Just my 2c
All the best
F
P.S. Read the book Hold on to your N.U.T.s
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Pursue then distance is typical WAS. She got herself into uncomfortable territory then backed way off. Normal, see it all the time on threads here.
You should probably give here a lot more space and time so you can both sort out your feelings.
Also, arguing with her over her perception is not going to win you any points with her. Instead you should be validating her feelings, which are hers alone and therefore NOT wrong. She felt uncomfortable, accused you of being clingy, to which you might say "well thats not how i remember it but im sorry you felt that way. Period. Not three paragraphs and ten bullet points about why you are right and she is wrong.
Everyone here can tell you she's crazy (i wouldnt; confused, uncertain, projecting for sure) but does everyone here's diagnosis help you at all? Needing to prove you are right is a relationship killer, something to work on.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I appreciate all the input! I don't care if I'm right. I just can't figure out what the heck she wants! How do you go from talking about having babies with someone to a little while later being like "get away from me"?
Here's what I know. I am not responding to ANYTHING from her. Even though it does seem like she is wavering and re-thinking things, I'm done with this rollercoaster crap. I will have zero communication. I can drop S5 off, and not have to say a word. I don't care what she texts me, I will not answer, even if she's like "Hey, sorry I was a jerk yesterday, just was having a bad day."
I've said this before and gone back on it, but I can't do this up-and-down crap anymore. Please hold me accountable. I promise to this group that I will post here before responding to ANY communication.
Today for the hour of coffee, I validated, was kind, complimentary, fun, great PMA, smile on my face. W was the one that brought up babies, the future, being together. She was the one that hugged me super tight. I left before W wanted me to, and didn't come back when she wanted. I listened to her complaints, and validated, and apologized. I was the PERFECT DBer. I did fall off the wagon a bit at the end when she went all crazy, but I've got that under control now. (or so I hope!)
Why she went all nuts (or as advina says: confused, uncertain, projecting for sure), I have no idea.
Every day seems like a baby step forward as far as DBing! I used to measure stuff on how W reacted, but now, I'm seeing me. I got messed up a little today, but sucked it up, had wings with my kiddos, and am having a good day!
LOL!!! Sure enough, W just called me. I let it go to VM twice, and then answered. W's first words, "I'm sorry I was a jerk earlier; I've not been able to eat lately, and every time I eat I feel sick. So, now I'm hungry and irritable all the time." (This is true, she gets very irritable when hungry)
I asked her for more clarification on why she was upset; she actually told me I did nothing wrong today; that I had only texted too much. I told her that I appreciated her pinpointing the concern so I would know; I didn't tell her that she had actually sent more texts than me.
After that, I just told her I appreciated the apology, and asked her if she had been to a doctor to check on it, and if she had tried changing her diet to accommodate. She was getting S5 in the shower, so I said, "Go ahead and get him taken care of, cya later".
