Digging In 2

[Fartiltre]

Jon,

I am not totally up to speed on your entire sit but I do recall reading the below or something like it many times

Whew, it is time to step BACK.

staying focused on a week of dark

I'll probably need a week or two of dim just to get W back to speaking

IMHO (and I am definitely not a vet) I read your posts as you wanting to go dim/dark/whatever but not doing it. On every occasion you jump in, like this one:

W: "You know I give an inch, and you take a mile."

You picked this line up, sent a looong text about how your W should feel and when she turned you down you called her.

Pudmuddle suggested not answering the initial text at all and that a mighty fine suggestion. You could also have chosen

I am sorry you feel that way.


You need to do what you say want: Back off! Your answer to the above is – again IMHO – violating the following:

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).


You are pursuing her and do realize that you can’t argue with her! She stated a feeling and nothing else! You can understand it or not – it’s a feeling! So validate as AS have explained earlier and then leave it!

Next time she comes at you it would be my suggestion to lovingly end the convo. Pull back for real! Leave her to handle her own feelings. You can’t do it for her. You can’t argue with her or tell her that her feelings are wrong.
I totally get your confusion since I lived with W for 5 months and she was just plain kind all the way. It a living nightmare and the only way to wake up is to pull back for real.

So my suggestion is that next time she does something like this and you are in doubt about what to do you go with Pud if no question is asked – don’t answer.
If a question is asked then answer it but do it short. Do not explain your answer or standing – just give it and let it be.

I agree on the crazy part but realize that she is a WAS. She is properly in even worse turmoil than you are! Imagine if she started telling you how you should feel.
What would that do to you?
Would she ever be able to convince you not to feel sad or hurt?

Do not argue!

Just my 2c

All the best

F


P.S. Read the book Hold on to your N.U.T.s