Confused about detaching!!!

[Pudmuddle]

Way to nix the negative worry Angela!

One step at a time.

[Feenix]

UPDATE:

So, Mon (evening), Tues, and Wed of this week were pretty good with my H. He was being affectionate and friendly. Acting "normal"...

Then, yesterday, I had to take off work to do some stuff....and then, was home for the rest of the day....and guess what? He didn't bother to come home after work yesterday morning. He knew I was going to be there....so he didn't come home.

I was upset (to myself) for a bit, then I went outside and worked on some fence and then, went for a run and felt much better.

I curled my hair and dressed up for my sons' football games and got ready to go by myself, as if H wasn't going to show up. I was getting into the car to leave when H pulled up. He seemed a bit taken by surprise that I was just leaving without seeing if he was going.

I didn't want to miss the first game, so I politely told him I'd meet him there. Once he got there, we sat together in the stands for about 4 hours during the games and visited and joked a bit. He did mention once that he just needed space away yesterday to "think" and that he hoped I understood. I just acted like it was no big deal.

He noticed that I was dressed up. And he noticed that I had my college class ring on. He brought it up. I used to always wear it and my wedding ring. Until September, when H hid my wedding ring...and then, asked me to stop wearing it.

He said, "I've always loved that ring on you." I said, "Yep, I decided there's no reason why I can't wear it."
He said, "I never said you couldn't wear your wedding ring, too." And I just smiled and changed the subject....because we BOTH know he did say it.

He had to leave the last game to go to work. He said goodbye but no hugs, etc. and absolutely no touching or affection the whole time.

How can a guy go from hugs and kisses the day before to acting like my touch will melt him the next day???? FRUSTRATING! but, I did NOT let him know that I was frustrated. I smiled a big, warm, smile at him before he left and went back to watching the game.

He texted this morning about a couple of things on the kids. Who knows if he'll come home any today or this weekend?...but I'm taking a deep breath and telling myself that if he doesn't come home, it just gives me more time to work on me. I'm starting to feel a little bit like HE gets in MY way of me getting better sometimes, too.

[Pudmuddle]

GOOD FOR YOU. Nice how you handled everything!

I'm starting to feel a little bit like HE gets in MY way of me getting better sometimes, too.

Seriously right? I am now at the point where I don't want him there because I can do what I want. It is SO hard with them still at home.

I love it when we dress up real nice and you KNOW they noticed but it's like they are biting their tongue, heaven forbid, should they say anything nice. That is an awesome feeling Cuz we know we still appeal to them that way.

Keep it up Angela, I'm proud of ya!

[JayMan]

Angela, my W just went out of her way to ask me to spend time with her, and I did. She even talked about us having babies. I cut it short, pushed back when she wanted to spent more time, etc, and at the end, she complained about me being "clingy". Talk about crazy!

I mess this up, but I have to remember what someone told me a long time ago, "Don't try to rationalize the irrational." Hang on to that!

[Feenix]

Update:

Had a decent weekend. Like a few others, I backslid a bit on Saturday, but overall, did ok.

My son had a band competition on Saturday morning. My H has NEVER shown any interest in our son's band stuff. As a matter of fact, last year, he refused to go to some "stupid band thing"...So, I told him about the competition, but didn't figure he was going.

I was ready to leave when H got home from work. I mentioned that I was about to leave, etc. and he said, "Well, I'm going so don't leave without me." I was totally surprised.

Then, when we arrived, he wanted to make sure that S15 knew that we were there...that his "dad" was there. It was kinda cute.

Afterwards, H took me out to breakfast where we hung out for a couple of hours. For a while, he was on his phone a lot, so I started gazing at the view out the window. He kept asking me what I was thinking so deeply about...also, somewhere, the issue of "trust" came up but I avoided talking about it.

I backslid on the way home, because he kept asking what I was thinking about at the restaurant and why I couldn't just trust him. I couldn't help it...I started crying. And, I then gave him the reasons why I can't trust him. It wasn't a pleasant conversation and totally NOT DBing. We didn't "argue" too much and the rest of the evening was good.

Sunday, he texted me after work but didn't come home. He stayed in town until 4:00 PM watching football. When he finally got home, he was a little upset that I hadn't asked him to come home that morning. I was trying to give him space and not pressure him...then, he's upset because he feels "unwanted"....ugh. More MLC fun.

But, we had a good evening. He was off work last night so he got to spend time with the kids, too.

I gotta go, but I have a couple of things I need some input on about our R talk on Saturday...so I'll add more later.

[Pudmuddle]

My observation on this is that he is starting to notice your changes. He is noticing that you are not pressuring him to do things. this is good! The fact that he kept asking you what you were thinking tells me that is wondering what is going on with you and is very curious. Now he is trying to make YOU feel bad because poor little doggy is unwanted. Don't flow with it, keep doing what you are doing.

Backsliding happens when you still have so much you need to get out yourself. You've read my sitch and it was awful, lol. I personally think it's ok to backslide once in a while, people just cannot contain everything when it is still so raw.

You did ok. And you will do better next time because you learned from this. Keep it up Angela!

[Feenix]

Well...got home and another bombshell hits.
We are eating supper and H says, "don't get mad, but how much do mediators cost. I think it's time to get one."

WHAT??? I need off this ride!!! We are doing so much better and then, this. He says it is because we just aren't getting any better. I said I was sorry he feels that way but that I disagree. Then I fail horrible as I burst into tears and have to leave the room. He also says that he has been nice lately so we can have a civil divorce for the kids.

My heart is crushed.

[Pudmuddle]

Ugh Angela, that hurts.

The last time my H requested a mediator, he wanted me to do the dirty work and initiate it! then weeks later when I still hadn't done anything he asked me again.

I replied"This has come up suddenly and I still have a lot to think about.I'm not ready for this yet." It seemed to make him back off for a while.

I'm so sorry, I know it hurts terribly.

[Feenix]

It does hurt...so much. Feels like everything here lately has been a lie.

Pud, how did you and H decide to have separate bedrooms? I mentioned it today and H got upset! He didn't understand why I thought we shouldn't share a room anymore. AND, we ML yesterday and this morning! Ugh!

[Feenix]

H left way early for work while I was gone picking up son from school. Just got text from H. Said he'll be staying at a friend's for a few days. What do I say back? "Great. Have fun. Enjoy your new life and new freedom."

Ignore his texts? Advice please.

I did respond in anger and said you are the one wanting out. Do what makes you happy. He said good. I'm getting an apartment.