Rolling in the deep...

[wishing, hoping]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2392567&page=1

Last thread linked above. Onward we go with the craziness...

So in my last thread I explained all the ugliness that happened between D and H this morning. Tonight I asked S what happened after I left this morning. He told me D still refused to get dressed and they didn't make it to the bus. H had to take them to school and kept yelling at the kids about how mad he was because he was going to be an hour late for work.

I asked S if these arguments between H and D happen often and he said yes. I asked if they happen when I am not with them or not home and again he said yes.

Tonight I get home about 7:00. H and kids were not home. They got home about 8:00 or so. H got D in the bath at 8:15. She ran in my room and wants me. I kiss her and tell her to get into the bath. D is happy and content until H asks her to wash her hair. She argues with him about not washing her hair and H starts yelling at her. She starts calling out for me and i don't respond. D starts screaming and yelling and H is yelling back. She doesn't get out of the shower until 9:00.

H confronts me later in front of the kids and tells me this wouldn't happen if I didn't put the kid's down an hour after he does. I told him I put them down at the same time you do. He said he's been trying to get them to bed earlier. I said no you haven't. He said I kept them out too late last night. I said D was asleep by 9:20. He said "I walked in there after 10 and she was still awake." I said you walked in at 9:50 and she was fast asleep. I was in there too. At 9:30 I had S come upstairs. At 10:00 S was in bed. He said he has been trying to get D asleep by 9:00. I told him that wasn't true. He said "it doesnt matter because you are not doing it. Its not happening!!!" I said doing what? He said getting them to bed. I said I don't know why you are criticizing me for getting them to bed at the same time you are.  He said they need to go to bed earlier and it isn't happening. I said well it's not happening with you either, H. He insisted he was getting the kid's to bed earlier. I said you are not getting them to bed any earlier than I am. He just walked away and told me that he wasn't arguing with me and I just wasn't doing it. I told him it was hypocritical of him to criticize me for not putting her to bed at a certain time when he wasn't getting her to bed at that time either.

Also said to D that she had homework to do after her bath. Of course the homework did not happen. D got in bed at 9:30. She was asleep shortly after.

I tend to think perhaps he is creating this drama with the kids to blame me to say I am still creating drama in the house.

I am tired of him getting away with his deplorable behavior and I am expected to "facilitate" his relationship with the kids and "do as he says, not as he does". What does it take for the system to see this guy for what he really is? A total control freak.

WH

[LoisB]

I'm sorry WH. Sounds like another day in paradise.

Yuck.

Your D reminds me of my own. Willing to fight to the death on just about anything--especially when she has to have resentment towards your H. My youngest has Asperger's and you simply cannot allow her to start boiling for too long or she will go for hours.

It must be very hard to navigate being a mom and tolerating his insanity.

Heather

[beatrice]

WH, please do not thnk of this as criticism - I think your h is a real jerk. But what do you think might have happened if you had said 'I agree that we need to focus on getting the kids to bed earlier for their sake. How do you suggest we do this?

I am not saying this will work but any other approach will not because it is guaranteed to turn into a downward spiral,

What I am suggesting is called 'building behaviour' and tries to tap into the positive side rather than the negative 'we have been round and round this before' in which both parties take up positions and do not want to budge.

[wishing, hoping]

Thanks for responding, Beatrice.

I honestly tried to get H to tell me what he was getting at, but I believe he just likes to accuse and blame and point the finger. His mom is still like that and will be like that until she dies. I am not saying there couldn't have been a better way to handle it, but honestly now I feel that no matter what I say, or what I do there will always be a better reaction or response. And no matter what I say to H I am wrong and stupid and never good enough. It's been that way for a while. It's just gotten progressively worse throughout the years.

Not making excuses. Just making observations. My kids and I need to get out of this situation. I asked my lawyer how we could end this and he said unless we are willing to revisit the old agreement we just need to let the case study play out. And honestly H is not willing to bend except anything he wants. So I just have to try and make the best of it for now.

My friend bought me some red voodoo beads for my birthday. Red skulls with fake diamond eyes. They are so cool. I made myself a bracelet last night. I shake it in H's direction every now and then. Hey..every little thing counts, right?

WH

[beatrice]

WH - I do understand - my xh was one of those with whom there really was no scope for dialogue as, it seemed to me then, and now, he just wanted to make me into Mrs Horrible to justidy what he was doing. In eight years (OMG it really is that long) sadly nothing has really changed. He is now superficially nice, but the moment I show a sign of not agreeing that all that he did was right, good, necessary and wholly justified he gets very very unpleasant again . . . . Some of them just never seem to get it.

But the good thing is that we are OK, hard though it is.

[wishing, hoping]

More weirdo schmeirdo stuff.

So it's H's day. First I worked late to finish stuff since I am off work tomorrow. Then a trip to the eye doctor to fix my glasses. No luck. They have to order new frames. That is, if my frames are still available to be ordered. Sigh.

I left there and drove to the library to drop off some books. I no sooner parked in my spot and my phone started barking. It was H. (I have the ring tone set to bark when he calls). I picked it up and normally I wouldn't but I felt the need to. He asked me where I was and I told him I was at the library. He said I need your help with D. I said what's wrong? Aren't you at her soccer practice? He said yes come right away. I said what is going on. Long story short D had a temper tantrum to end all temper tantrums in front of H and her entire soccer team and her coach AND all the parents . And he couldnt blame me because I wasn't there!!! So when I got there, there was D and H standing by his car looking like they had a mouthful of worms.

So I asked D what was wrong and managed to calm her down and then she was right as rain and wanted to go practice. H was then mad at me because that wasn't what he wanted me to do. I said I am confused. What did you want me to do? I wanted you to take her home. But H, she's happy now. You can't exacerbate a situation with a six year old. He said well now mom has saved the day and mom wins. I said it's not about winning. I said no one wins. What is important is that little girl. He just said "I'm not putting up with it anymore, WH." I just said what can you do, H? She is only 6 and she's sensitive. After practice D ran to me and wanted me to take her home. At first H said no, then she started again and he said okay. I got his mind off it by asking if he could try fixing my glasses that broke. He said he would give it a whirl. I told him he was always so good at fixing things like that. He said he would try. He did try, but he couldn't fix them. I thanked him for trying anyway. He was pretty quiet the rest of the night.

I did talk to D when I was taking her home and asked her what made her so upset? She said daddy was mean to her. I said when you are at practice you have to practice or else mom and dad will have to take you home. She said okay and that she wished it was a mommy day. : (. I told her tomorrow was mommy day and we would be together all day. She was happy about that and seemed very happy the rest of the evening. She even fell asleep early. Poor baby.

Now granted I wasn't there and I don't know what happened. H was very defensive about it. I never accused him of anything but he was defensive anyway. I just kept my mouth closed about it. I did ask S for his take on it and he said D started crying because her heel hurt and it all went downhill from there.

I don't feel crazy anymore but I think H has lost a few more marbles.

WH

[job]

WH,
You did a very nice job of diffusing that situation. I'm very proud of you. Hopefully things will quiet down for you and you can enjoy your weekend.

[Pudmuddle]

Wow, heavy stuff from H. Blaming you after you got there!

I think you did remarkably well wh. He is obviously still in la-la land and any little deviance from happiness sets him off. I admire how you handled that, you are a great mom.

I love the barking ringtone, LOL!

[kml]

I no sooner parked in my spot and my phone started barking. It was H. (I have the ring tone set to bark when he calls).

ROFLMAO!!!!!!

So I asked D what was wrong and managed to calm her down and then she was right as rain and wanted to go practice. H was then mad at me because that wasn't what he wanted me to do. I said I am confused. What did you want me to do? I wanted you to take her home. But H, she's happy now. You can't exacerbate a situation with a six year old. He said well now mom has saved the day and mom wins. I said it's not about winning. I said no one wins. What is important is that little girl. He just said "I'm not putting up with it anymore, WH."

I gotta disagree with your handling of this, WH. I think if you put up such a huge tantrum that mom has to come bail out dad, you get taken home and put in time out.

Sure, she's sensitive - I get that, I had very high maintenance kids too. But there have to be consequences to their behavior, and in this case, the only consequence to her bad behavior was that she got to get mom out of her evening off and make you come to her practice.

Now - is your H a total weenie because he couldn't handle it himself? Yes. He should have taken her home himself, or if he's coaching, he should have put her on the sidelines and ignored her. He sure shouldn't have called you, and that will be one good thing when you're out of the house, he'll have to figure this stuff out without falling back on you.

[wishing, hoping]

Well KML I didn't feel it was my place to put her in a timeout. It was H's night and it was his place to discipline her. He asked me to help him calm her down and I did. Not to defend myself but it's not fair for me to have to discipline her when it's not my time and when I didn't even see the tantrum. I shouldnt have went, but I thought something was seriously wrong.

He looked like an idiot all by himself. He didn't need my help for that.

WH