I was only postulating that there might be a secondary LL in Words, but I still believe his is Acts of Service.
I've been mulling this over because I remember him asking me why I never brought him coffee while he was shaving in the morning? Why I never offered to shovel snow or do yard work?
Mr. W. is not QT at all... that's D9. If he has a close second LL, it's words of affirmation.
Anyway, someone NEEDED to shovel because I couldn't get up the driveway... that person was me by default. I wasn't angry about having to do it (actually the total opposite because it was pretty outside and still snowing lightly).
I was just wishing he would actually give me some words of affirmation, because I hardly ever receive them. But when he loads the chemicals in the hot tub that the girls and I hardly ever use, I'm expected to gush all over him...
I really don't mind about the math. My minor is in math but Mr. W. has his degree in electrical engineering and uses complex mathematical formulas in his daily life (I have mentioned before that it's been a standing joke between us that he's the only person I know who uses differential equations in life).
Part of building him up as his role of protector and head of the household (read: me understanding that gender roles have some value and sense in world order) is allowing him to feel cherished and esteemed. I'm happy to do that for him now.
And D9 can deal with that...
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Bets- Big hug - I had no idea you were as exhausted as I was...since I wasn't on last night I hadn't kept up. Maybe it's the time of year or something. I think you are doing grrrrreat! I bet it is tiring being Mr. Barker - he prolly even has to take a break now and then. I am glad you're not giving up. You know we all love you here, and I am personally praying for you - for helicopter vision, peace, strength, and a little extra Barker bounce. Hope that's okay with you... Hugs, Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Today seems to be one of clarity and what Oprah would call 'light bulb moments'. While my mother would faint on the spot if she read what I am about to write...I have to explore this.
Quote: Part of building him up as his role of protector and head of the household (read: me understanding that gender roles have some value and sense in world order) is allowing him to feel cherished and esteemed. I'm happy to do that for him now.
I have always been the one to assume these roles. In the household that I was raised in, my own mother held the role of provider, protector and prosecutor. My dad got to help sometimes. I wonder if, out of what is natural to me, I have stuffed H into the role of 'helping sometimes' while I steamrolled my way through and did things my way, the 'right way'. Hmmm...
I believe I just hijacked your thread! What I was originally coming here to write was a big GO YOU!! !
You are becoming very natural in your Bob Barker role…and Mr. W is responding to it. He does want to be around you more. How easy would it have been to leave you out there shoveling away while he sat inside and ate his dinner without any fear of being eaten himself? He chose to approach you and ask you in. That, is one hell of a positive! GO YOU!!!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
You know, I've been reading the Mars/Venus books and over and over he emphasizes that men need to be appreciated and validated in order to feel loved, and in order to give to the relationship. I find that the more I appreciate my H, and treat him as if he is the wonderful man he can be sometimes, the more he starts to resemble that man. Now, if I could only remember that on the phone and in person. My mom has always been the provider and protector in our home, too, so it's tough for me not to try and take that on. It's all about ACCEPTANCE, VALIDATION, and LETTING GO of control. I keep repeating that to myself. Here's to light-bulb moments... Myrrh
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
Sorry to hijack also but I have a serious financial issue right now and can't afford to buy any books... What are womens primary needs? and what are the 5 languages again? I need to get focused.
Bets, Go Girl! Keep up the Barker, sounds like you have a good thing going... I think Im more of a Troy McClure "you may remember me from other message boards like Her healing and my acceptance"
Like you, this was my family model too. My dad is no wimp, though. He was just not around to pick up the slack... though he was really wonderful when I was a kid (probably my memory of Disney Dad). My mom grew up without a dad, so having a female leader was a natural role for her too.
Here I am, learning the ways of a feminist world but finding out that it comes at a cost.
While I don't respond to Mr. W. with the "Yes, dear" that was prominent in the generation of my parents, I certainly can muster some modicum of civility and respect...
Who'd have figured?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Hi Bets, I've been kinda down in the dumps lately, so this post may be more negative than warranted, ok?
I am all for making these men feel validated, appreciated,acts of serviced and quality times. Not to forget affirmed.
BUT, what I have seen too often is that some people get this for a long long time, yet they never seem to respond by becoming more giving themselves in the ways that would best fill our love banks.
I recall too many times when my X would give me the oppposite of what I sweetly asked for....PA all the way. It sort of can be a catch 22. WE do things, get told we are controlling and manipulative. We don't do things, and are told we are lazy and selfish. Of course the happy medium is reciprocal, and not keeping score. I wonder if some people are programmed to NOT respond, but only take?
We can only do so much. We need to be met partway. And then there is the old PA truism to hold their feet to the fire. I used that rarely, Bets...but when I did, it worked....of course the catch 22 came into play when I am sure I was punished somewhere down the road for it.
I read and copied 'just for the morning' and am sending it to my baby girl. I look at my friends and see some decent marriages, but also illnesses, lost children, dead children....and I've come to decide that if I had to lose something in this life I've had, I would rather 1 million times over lose my marriage than my child. Every time I start to complain I think of my best friend who lost her child....and I have to consider myself lucky, at that.
!