A Fresh, New Day - Pt II

[Pudmuddle]

So, on my way home from work, H calls. He says I just wanted to let you know I'll be late coming home tonight.

What I wanted to say:
-Do what you need to do. I'm not your mom.
-At someone's beck and call? Better get running!
-Why did you call to tell me? Do you think I care? <--this one scares me because it feels like apathy, instead of hate, is setting in...
-You should say you'll be late coming to MY house, because it's definitely not a home.

What I said:
-Okay.

Was he looking for a reaction?

Then he proceeded to ask if I'd heard from S today. He sounded really worried and said I tried and tried to reach him.

I said: Well, more than likely his phone died. And he is a teenager. and I chuckled.

H kept going on about how S wouldn't answer, blah, blah, blah.

I cut the convo short and said: Be safe. Bye, and hung up.

I really feel like I am starting to just not care about him at all because he is really not the person I want right now. While I haven't been there for him for the last two years, I feel like he has been gone longer than that, almost back to when we reconciled 6 years ago. I feel like I didn't have him fully back yet. It's been a lonely 6 years.

Halloween is one of my fave holidays and I remember how hard I tried every year to get him to dress up. He was embarrassed to dress up, like he couldn't make fun of himself for one night. I even said well you can wear very simple things and it was hard to even get him to wear a t-shirt with something on it. He only wanted me to dress up in a costume, or dress up in some lingerie stuff. It wasn't very fun for me when he wouldn't participate. He has been angry, critical and depressed the last 6 years. But he won't admit ever that anything was wrong. He is part of what created my depression. I know this will sound like I am blaming him for everything, but I am not. Analyzing him a bit helps me to remember the situations that caused contention and how I reacted or treated him. It's all in an effort to make my self a better person and how I treat people. Truly it is, I want it to really stick this time. I want to be wise and wonderful.

Last night, my two dogs, my S and I were all in my room watching a show on tv. I think my H felt left out because he came up twice for some odd reasons, here and there, to check on us. I didn't ask the dogs to come up and I didn't ask my S to join me, they just did. I think they all feel more comfortable around me than H. They feel it.

My S still has not talked to my H about what he told me the other night. I told him to do it when he was ready and he says he just feels like he can't right now. My H was all over me the day before asking about what S had said and if he was ok, and if he needed to be concerned. I finally told him that S had told me something and asked that I not say anything yet and that he would tell H when he was ready so just give him some time, and I needed to respect his privacy. My H responded "Absolutely!" so I know he understood that and we kind of left the convo at that. But when did he start growing a set of morals? At least he is that way with S, so I know it's there even if buried deep.

Is making my H feel left out only going to drive him away further?

And again, I almost don't care. Is that a normal step in detaching?