I was thinking today about how I live my life. How did I get to where I am?

Suppose I allowed myself to continue to feel the way I did at the beginnning of all this.

What if I continued to feel as if this was DONE to me? What if I did that with everything in my life?

That would mean that I can blame God for giving my son and I a mutated gene. I get to blame my mother's alcoholism for my difficult childhood. I'd get to blame my xh for his crisis, his affair, and for ruining me financially.

I mean, I could do all that.

But here's the thing about that. That makes me a victim. And I dont like the sound of that. That implies that I have no control over my life.

That would mean that I get to sit back and say, oh well, suckks for me. Guess I have just have to succk it up.

Blaming everyone and everything would take any of the responsibility off of me. It would stop me from looking inside and figuring out what I should own and what I shouldnt. It would mean I didnt have to change.

Do I wish my son and I didnt have this disease? Abso -freakin-lutely.

Do I wish my mother didnt suffer from alcoholism? You bet.

Do I wish my xh didnt have a MLC and do the things he did? Yep.

But it all happened. Stuff happens in life. Sometimes bad stuff.

Dont get me wrong. I was angry and sad and angry some more. I didnt understand. It wasnt fair. I why me'd with the best of them.

But after awhile I realized, I had gotten through some tough things. Really, really tough.

I was no longer willling to just roll over. I just wasnt.

Because if I did, that meant I have no power.

I dont like the idea of that.

Were there things I couldnt change no matter how hard I tried? Yes, there were, there are.

But there were also things I could change.

I was not going to let this disease stop me from having the life I wanted.

I was not going to let my xh and what he did stop me from believing in love.

I struggle financially. It's true. But so do a lot of other people. I am not special.

The thing I've learned is this. The stuff in your life is going to be there whether you remain angry or not. They are going to be there whether you can understand them or not. They are going to be there whether you think they are fair or not.

So, I figured, since they are going to be there anyway, why not live my life the best way I know how.

Why not take control of the things I can and let go of the things I cant?

There are some truly horrific things that happen in this world. Things I cant even get my mind around.

My stuff, while difficult, in comparison, well.....

So, I just try to live each day the way I choose - with dignity, strength and honor. I try to laugh every day. I tell the people I care about that I love them. I try to make a difference when I can.

And all the stuff....will be there tomorrow.

I am not a victim. I am not giving up. I am not changing who I am inside because of circumstances.

It's just not an option.

You will all get through this. But it is how you do, that makes all the difference.