I'm going to add water to my mudd and see if that helps.
It was a very good process for me. I am much better mentally and emotionally in a LOT of ways, but there are some things that haven't changed in 5 months either. It's just a matter of self-assessment where I keep thinking about where I want to go and where I don't want to go, and I realized that I was REALLY low for a REALLY long time, and that I'm very glad I'm not there anymore.
9) It's been about 18 months since we physically separated, and I'm still not used to sleeping alone. It's been a little more than four months since the day of my divorce - the day I sat in the parking lot and took off my wedding ring for the first time after the judge made things final - and my left ring finger still feels naked. I figured I'd be used to it by now.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
10) Related to #8, by reading back through my old threads, XW is definitely stuck in the mud. She is literally telling me the EXACT same things she was telling me last month, and the month before, and back in May...
11) I have found myself finding other women attractive. I'm still very attracted to XW, but I never really looked at other women this way.
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
10) Related to #8, by reading back through my old threads, XW is definitely stuck in the mud. She is literally telling me the EXACT same things she was telling me last month, and the month before, and back in May...
I'm so afraid this is how my H will be...I could be wrong, of course, but he has a hard time with growth.
Originally Posted By: PatientMan
11) I have found myself finding other women attractive. I'm still very attracted to XW, but I never really looked at other women this way.
Because, as your sig quote says, you have stopped being sad, you are AWESOME. Go PM!
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
XW vents quite a bit about how difficult a time she is having, especially financially. She has to work so much to barely scrape by and even be late on some of her bills. It's very hard to stay there and just listen, but I'm doing it. Her complaints:
1) Money is tight, bills are hard to keep up with 2) She doesn't get to see the kids enough. She misses sporting events on the weekend because she has to work. Thinks the youngest is mad and "taking it out on her" that XW isn't spending enough time with her. (She hasn't gone to church with us in months because of work, though I'm not sure she would go anyway.) 3) The kids are being left at home by themselves more often so XW can work. (Either I am/will be on my way from work or she is getting back in time to take them to school.)
...these are, of course, in addition to the standard:
4) I am lonely 5) I feel like I'm making all the wrong decisions 6) I'm so confused. I miss you, but I don't want to tell you that because I don't want to mess with you 7) I can't figure out how to be happy without you 8) I am directionless 9) I don't feel like I'll ever be okay.
As I was saying, it's difficult to listen to her vent, especially about the financial part, and even more so about the children part, because I'm thinking:
1) You did this to yourself 2) This is what you said you wanted 3) There's this guy who loves you who would love to help 4) Many of these issues could go easily go away
...but I keep my mouth shut. I listen and try to validate as best I can when she feels the need to unload/vent (she really doesn't have anyone, in person, to vent to - though there are a few to vent to over the phone). Obviously she knows everything I would say anyway. And as I've said in the past, it's humbling to realize that this life she is living - the one she has so much to complain about and is so unhappy with - is a better option than a life with me.
And I write that knowing she isn't really living a life without me.
I don't want to give the impression that I've gone back to being a doormat, because that isn't being the case at all. Yes, she could be using me, though I don't think with malicious intent. But it could easily be argued that I'm using her in ways too.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
4) I am lonely 5) I feel like I'm making all the wrong decisions 6) I'm so confused. I miss you, but I don't want to tell you that because I don't want to mess with you 7) I can't figure out how to be happy without you 8) I am directionless 9) I don't feel like I'll ever be okay
Thank you for sharing this, because I think most of us would be shocked if we knew how many WAS's have these same thoughts. The WAS can show a calm, confident facade while internally struggling with these very questions. The fact that yours actually expresses them to you is a very good sign, she clearly feels very comfortable talking to you so I'd say your validation and listening skills are spot-on!
Quote:
And as I've said in the past, it's humbling to realize that this life she is living - the one she has so much to complain about and is so unhappy with - is a better option than a life with me.
I wouldn't look at it that way. Look at it this way- WAS's are VERY stubborn. They feel like once they make the decision to leave the M that they cannot go back under any circumstances. I remember reading an older thread here once where a WAS said she had told so many people so many bad things about her H to "justify" her leaving him that she didn't want to go back to him because she hated the thought of having to tell all those people she was wrong! It takes the WAS months if not years to decide leaving is their only option. They feel like once they commit to that choice, then the only way through is forward. They also have a huge fear that if they go back, the LBS will fall right back into old habits. They do not want to go back to the old M, and they're not convinced it's possible to have a new R and M with the LBS no matter how much the LBS has changed. That's why it takes so long, the WAS has a lot of internal baggage to process before they will consider returning.
I was feeling much the same way as PM, even though my H has yet to express anything R related. I was feeling down, but now my spirits have picked up again, and I thank you both for that.
You are both wise spirits, and that is invaluable to me. Thanks.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
XW vents quite a bit about how difficult a time she is having, especially financially. She has to work so much to barely scrape by and even be late on some of her bills. It's very hard to stay there and just listen, but I'm doing it. Her complaints:
1) Money is tight, bills are hard to keep up with 2) She doesn't get to see the kids enough. She misses sporting events on the weekend because she has to work. Thinks the youngest is mad and "taking it out on her" that XW isn't spending enough time with her. (She hasn't gone to church with us in months because of work, though I'm not sure she would go anyway.) 3) The kids are being left at home by themselves more often so XW can work. (Either I am/will be on my way from work or she is getting back in time to take them to school.)
...these are, of course, in addition to the standard:
4) I am lonely 5) I feel like I'm making all the wrong decisions 6) I'm so confused. I miss you, but I don't want to tell you that because I don't want to mess with you 7) I can't figure out how to be happy without you 8) I am directionless 9) I don't feel like I'll ever be okay.
As I was saying, it's difficult to listen to her vent, especially about the financial part, and even more so about the children part, because I'm thinking:
1) You did this to yourself 2) This is what you said you wanted 3) There's this guy who loves you who would love to help 4) Many of these issues could go easily go away
...but I keep my mouth shut. I listen and try to validate as best I can when she feels the need to unload/vent (she really doesn't have anyone, in person, to vent to - though there are a few to vent to over the phone). Obviously she knows everything I would say anyway. And as I've said in the past, it's humbling to realize that this life she is living - the one she has so much to complain about and is so unhappy with - is a better option than a life with me.
And I write that knowing she isn't really living a life without me.
I don't want to give the impression that I've gone back to being a doormat, because that isn't being the case at all. Yes, she could be using me, though I don't think with malicious intent. But it could easily be argued that I'm using her in ways too.
-PM
PM - What I highlighted is what I feel you are doing great with!!! It is so hard to do "just" that...But it does several things imo. 1. Breaks the (codependency) cycle between you two as you are not responding back. 2. Lets her know your listening. 3. Makes her feel safe to share more honest feelings, as she can say things without fear of what you might say in response. 4. Gives you great insight to what she is feeling/thinking.
Great job!!!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Well, I did a poor job of "just that" today. She was having another bad day, and I just hit my tipping point, I guess. I became angry, which wasn't a big deal because I was at a work function and busy most of the evening (so not physically around her), but I did go to the house to tuck the kids in and she could tell I wasn't happy. I refused a hug. She called me after I left and asked if something she said/texted "offended" me, and I said that it didn't at first, but it was now bothering me and I held firm that I didn't want to talk about it. She apologized to me over the phone, then texted me a few clarifying things. I didn't respond.
I don't like being in the position where I have valid feelings and having those valid feelings feels like it gets in the way of the end result I want. I'm mostly better now, but it took awhile. I felt both tired of her playing the victim of her own decisions and also insulted.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
