Who is this woman & what has she done with my wife

[THX-1138]

...You may have noticed now that your feelings careen from carom to carom while on this part of the board. My advice is to enjoy the ride. Life doesn't get much more real than this for you for a while yet. This is your opportunity to awaken to the reality around you. Not what should be. Not what you were "promised" nor what you expected. But what is. It can make the rest of this really worth the ride.
AJ

Hell to the Yes, AJ. You put into words something I have been thinking lately.

Another "life as a game" analogy, this time using Poker:

Several months ago, my wife folded her cards, stood up, and left the playing table.

For months, I was like, "What?! What just happeed? C'mon, sit down and play already. Where's my damn cheese?"

...I was in denial. For several months I continued trying to play the cards I had left. I was all like..."who moved my cheese?...and hey, what happened to my teeth?...why are they all over the floor ... and Dude, Where's my car?"

Then, last week, I realized that the hand I was holding was irrelevant. Game was over.

And suddenly, I realized that a new hand had been dealt, and there were fresh cards lying on the felt in front of me. A new hand had been dealt. What I needed to do was to pick up these cards, fan them out, and take a look at my options. New cards, new possibilities. Time to quit trying to play the old ones, because they are gone, gone, gone.

As for the dating. I dunno. I have to say that I've watched many friends that tried that. They immediately dated. Two of them tried to marry the first girl they met. One did. Three of them dated the first girl for a long time. I know of one that dated the first girl he met, married her and recently celebrated their 30th anniversary together.

For the record, I will never get married again. Ever. Period. I decided that a long time ago, when I was a teenager. My parents divorced when I was 13. I watched my father burn through three more marriages in fifteen years, and my mom went through her second divorce about ten years after her first.

For me, marriage is a one time deal. Once the current contract is broken there will be no other. I swore an oath until death, and I intend to honor that oath. The fact that my wife has broken her oath affects that not one whit.

Second, I don't intend to risk being a two-time loser. This has been the most painful experience of my life (by a F@cking wide margin) and I will never, ever do this again.

And beyond all that, I don't see any need for me to ever get married a second time. I have two kids and don't need any more. I have no moral objections to cohabitation, and I don't need the approval or respectability conferred by a late-life marriage.

I am not saying that I am never going to be in a long term committed relationship again. I expect that will happen. But I will never walk down the aisle again.

Even if my wife divorces me, and eventually returns, I might not legally marry her again. I would have to think hard on that one...

It's a selfish act to date somebody...

I don't agree. Dating is risky, but so is everything in life worth doing. I don't see it as selfish. Sharing one's self and dreams and pain is what defines us as human, I think.

I do agree that dating someone without disclosing my current circumstance would be cold, but I have already said several times I would not do that. If I see someone, it will be someone who is recently divorced or still in proceedings of her own. We would both know the score.

Are you that kind of person? That you need the self-assurance so badly you can coldly do to others what was done to you? Would you be one of those people that woke up 7 years into it and realized you had made a serious error in judgement?

I have no intention to coldly do anything to anyone. That said, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions, no?

____

Thanks for your post, AJ. You raised some interesting points, and you made me work through my feelings. Most of what I wrote above, I worked out on the fly. I probably won't agree with half of it by dinner time. (I'm damaged.)