So, I responded about 2 hours later: "Why the stay?" She said, "Dunno. I just think maybe you're right that I should take some time and think things through for awhile."
I know people are going to cringe at my response: "Are you sure you want this or are we just delaying the inevitable?"
Well, she was mad. She told me that I had been gung-ho about it, and when she agreed to it, she now saw that I was blowing smoke, and she should've known better, etc.
So, I waited awhile. She's a hothead, so I know I need to give a few minute window. I said, "I'm sorry if I offended you. Here's my thought process: on Sunday, we hung out, snuggled, watched TV, even kissed. Then you messaged me making sure I knew that you had no feelings, and that you were moving forward with the divorce. Monday morning, we went to get the trial dates scheduled, and get things rolling. I didn't hear a peep from you since then, and then out of the blue, you tell me you want the continuance/stay, and are thinking things over. I apologize that I responded so callously, but sometimes, I'm simply having trouble keeping up. I just wanted to let you know my state of mind."
A looooong agonizing pause, and she responded, "Fine. I'm nervous about it. I don't know if I can do anything different."
I said, "It is hard. Regardless, my attorney already had one ready to file anyway, so you would just need to agree to it. I'll let think about it. Night"
Well you got that right, LOL! Oh man, you are applying so much pressure to her. I'm surprised she didn't just really blow up.
Quote:
So, I waited awhile. She's a hothead, so I know I need to give a few minute window. I said, "I'm sorry if I offended you. Here's my thought process: on Sunday, we hung out, snuggled, watched TV, even kissed. Then you messaged me making sure I knew that you had no feelings, and that you were moving forward with the divorce. Monday morning, we went to get the trial dates scheduled, and get things rolling. I didn't hear a peep from you since then, and then out of the blue, you tell me you want the continuance/stay, and are thinking things over. I apologize that I responded so callously, but sometimes, I'm simply having trouble keeping up. I just wanted to let you know my state of mind."
First, this would have been a good opportunity to validate. Seek to get her to tell you HER state of mind, don't offer her yours. Second, have you forgotten everything you've learned about how the WAS is in a lot of turmoil, how they are driven by emotions and not logic? About how they run hot and cold? About the distance/ pursuit cycle? Everything you described back to her is NORMAL for a WAS. Accept it! But you can't reason with her! You can't explain things logically to her!! Don't even try! Just validate her emotions.
Quote:
A looooong agonizing pause, and she responded, "Fine. I'm nervous about it. I don't know if I can do anything different."
I said, "It is hard. Regardless, my attorney already had one ready to file anyway, so you would just need to agree to it. I'll let think about it. Night"
Here's your homework Your response to this wasn't validation, try to craft a response that is validation and post it here. What I'm trying to get you to do is start thinking in those terms (you'll remember better if you craft it versus me telling you what you should have said), so that the next time it happens you remember this and modify your behavior.
@AS - I knew I messed up with that line, so at the end, when she said "Fine", my only goal was to say as little as possible, and STFU. I wasn't thinking about validating or anything! But that's tough for me. If she says "I'm nervous" - I sort of validated by saying "It is hard." But if she says, "I don't know if I can do anything different" - do I ask what seems to be so overwhelming? Or what is she afraid of? Or why does she feel that way? Not sure how to lead that into her expressing feelings without pushing...
---------------------------------------------
Also, W invited me over for coffee again tomorrow. Not sure if she plans on walking around in her underwear like last time. I actually told her that I appreciated the invite, but with the divorce kicking off and her considering the stay maybe we should just take some more time to clear our heads. She responded saying, "It's OK, you can come over for coffee; I'll just be hanging out drinking some anyway."
This is where I'm unfortunately at a loss. She wants a 90-day stay/continuance, she's invited me over for the second time in a week, and the last Friday was very good. It was 2 hours of fun, chit-chat, etc, and then I left with her giving me a hug.
So, do I go, and avoid R talks at ALL costs? Or just say, "Hey, I need some time to figure some things out. How about next week?"
my only goal was to say as little as possible, and STFU.
Most of the time that's a good strategy, LOL!
Quote:
If she says "I'm nervous" - I sort of validated by saying "It is hard."
I'm just thinking you could have used the opportunity to get her to open up more, which requires asking questions about her feelings. "When you say you're nervous, what is it that's making you feel that way?" Then as she explores that you just be the best listener possible, lots of eye contact, nodding your head, and asking more questions to get her to share more. Of course she may not want to, you have to let her drive the convo.
Quote:
But if she says, "I don't know if I can do anything different" - do I ask what seems to be so overwhelming? Or what is she afraid of? Or why does she feel that way?
That last one is the winner- why does she feel that way, or even better- "how does that make you feel?" In RetroV they teach to focus on the feelings, not the events that caused them. Instead you discuss the way you feel and relate those feelings to other experiences you've had, talk about what the intensity of those feelings is, etc. It may sound like you're avoiding talking about the issues, but when people talk about their feelings and feel like the person they're talking to is really listening, then it develops a strong bond between them over time. When you explore the feelings, the issues work themselves out. It's powerful stuff.
Quote:
So, do I go, and avoid R talks at ALL costs? Or just say, "Hey, I need some time to figure some things out. How about next week?"
I definitely wouldn't say the latter, if you decide not to go then tell her you're busy but will take her up on that some other time. If you decide to go then don't initiate R talks, but if she does then it's OK to listen to her (and validate).
Well, she seems to be pretty insistent about wanting me to come over. She texted me again, and said, "What time were you thinking about coming over?" I responded with "Whenever, I don't really have a strict schedule on Fridays." She suggested 10, and I said that was fine. She then said, "That'll give me time to get S5 to school, and come back and get a shower".
I joked with her saying that this time, we probably shouldn't have coffee with her walking around half naked. W: "Hmmph. We'll have coffee, but that's probably all that will happen." *few seconds pause* W: "Probably...."
I think I'll accept your challenge, Pud! I like this opportunity. 1. W has really pushed it, not me. 2. I have time to prepare as described by AS "What I'm trying to get you to do is start thinking in those terms (you'll remember better if you craft it versus me telling you what you should have said), so that the next time it happens you remember this and modify your behavior." 3. It'll be the first time that I'll not be all twisted up emotionally, and I'll be able to focus on DBing my butt off, validating, checking on feelings, etc. Of course, I'm not going to bring up any R talk myself, so if it doesn't come up, then that's cool, too.
As far as I can tell you still haven't even scratched the surface of DB'ing. You always reply to texts quickly, engage in conversations, and whenever she invites you over for coffee you run over there. She just wants attention and to check to make sure she has you on the line.
I'm not saying NEVER go over and see her, but geeesh, turn her down at least once. lol
This back and forth, up and down is just prolonging the pain and game in my humble opinion. You both are still the same, nobody has changed yet, you just live under separate roofs for the time being.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Your response to this wasn't validation, try to craft a response that is validation and post it here. What I'm trying to get you to do is start thinking in those terms (you'll remember better if you craft it versus me telling you what you should have said), so that the next time it happens you remember this and modify your behavior.
But that's tough for me. If she says "I'm nervous" - I sort of validated by saying "It is hard." But if she says, "I don't know if I can do anything different" - do I ask what seems to be so overwhelming? Or what is she afraid of? Or why does she feel that way? Not sure how to lead that into her expressing feelings without pushing...
