Confused about detaching!!!

[Pudmuddle]

Angela, I think you're list is a great list to start with. Just like anything, start slow and build on it. Think about what REALLY makes you happy to do, what concrete things you could to do show HOW you are more independent. (Like change a tire?, lol)

As far as being insecure, start to do these things on your list and then challenge yourself to do something you've never done before.

Building up the things you like to do will build your confidence.

I've started to do things now that I often wished I could do or didn't have the confidence to do and it has made me a much more confident person in a short time. It works!

[PatientMan]

One more...I want to work on NOT being SO insecure. I absolutely hate how insecure I am.

How does one start working on this???

I think you have a very good list with a lot of things to narrow down on and focus on doing. This will help you GAL and keep your mind off of your H, which will help your self confidence, which will help with your insecurities. This is like killing four birds with one stone!

I'm sure some others can give you advice on other strategies or recommend some books for you.

-PM

[uRworthy]

Hi A, so sorry I didnt get over her before this.

And I apologize as I havent read through your whole sitch.

I know how hard this all is. It is best to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint. So, you have to pace yourself and be ready to dig in.

I see it's been a little crazy for you.

Your h is all over the place.

It really is best to give him space to work through his stuff.

So, I am going to just to say a few things, if I may.

When I talk to someone about making changes, I tell them to first look at what their spouse has said are the problems. Decide which ones have merit, discard the others.

Then, look at people you admire and what you admire about them.

Think about those things you want to change in order to feel better about yourself.

Writing all this down helps.

Then each day, be the person you want to be. Some days you'll make it, some you wont. But that should always be the goal. The changes have to be real. He will see right through them if they arent. And more importantly, it will not serve you well.

You need to stop telling anyone about MLC. And as far as his mom, that is not your problem. He is a big boy. He needs to handle it.

Now, about detaching. What is means to me is that you do not allow his actions, moods or whatever he is saying affect your actions, moods or what you say.

You live your life being the best person you can be. Not as a ploy, not to win him back, but, because that is who you should live your life.

You are still very affected by everything he does or doesnt do, everything he says or doesnt say.

As far as ML, that is a personal decision. But, if it makes you feel badly in any way, then, it should not be done at this time. Not as a punishment. Not as a lesson. If you choose, it is a boundary that you set for you.

Your feelings matter, too, A. You matter.

Your h is spinning and it is best for you to get out of the way.

This is an amazing opportunity to become the best you.

I saw you asked about become more secure. That comes with feeling good about yourself and feeling worthy. I am going to list some things you can do that may help you with that.

1.Write down 7 (or however many you think you can) minor goals for the week and tick one off each day as you achieve it.
2.At the end of each day before falling asleep write down something you feel proud about, either on the day or in the past.
3.Tell someone else how much you appreciate them, being able to be open and honest is great for self worth.
4.Say no! Learn the skill of saying no without offending the person asking.
5.Everything you do, do to the best of your ability even if it cleaning the toilets or something equally as mundane, develop a reputation as someone who takes pride in their work.
6.Walk tall and proud. walk as if you’ve got somewhere to go and you need to be there now, never run just walk tall and quickly.
9.Dress as smart as you can for each occasion, whether it be work, meeting a friend, or going for an interview. Take pride in your appearance.
10.Do something for yourself every day.
11.Learn a new skill or take up something you’ve always wanted to and stick with it.
12.Speak up for yourself in every area of your life, this might be hard to do at first but the first time you do it will be immense and if you carry on your self esteem and feelings of self worth will soar.
13.Sing at the top of your voice.
14.Forgive yourself! (You know what I mean)
15.Get rid of the people who are dragging you down.
16.Work on your strengths. A lot of people focus on building up their weaknesses, instead get better at what you are good at.
17.Take a walk in the rain………..Why?………..because you have the power to decide!
18.Reward your successes. As soon as you achieve something reward yourself.
19.Never let anyone force you to break your core values.
20.Help other people who need it.
21.Always, Always, Always be honest with yourself and others. There is no need for lies and the energy it takes to continue a lie is unbelievable.
22.Take a chance and take a risk or two. Just get up and do it.
23.Listen to your self talk and slap the little person criticising you, I mean it, imagine there are two people one on each shoulder, the one who criticises you give them a slap or a punch in the mouth and start to pay attention to the one who is praising you.
24.Don’t be afraid to accept help from other people, it means they respect you enough to help you with something.
25.Start changing your thinking to be more optimistic about yourself, instead of "I can’t do that…."say "I’ve never tried it, but I’ll give it a try"

I have to go, but, I'll be back. Hang in there.

[Feenix]

Thank you Pud, PM, and uR!!!

I appreciate all of your encouragement and advice.

On the independence issue, I don't know how to explain this but I have always been independent in my outward life or in my actions. Like I can change a tire and even do some engine repairs, I can fix fence and do home repairs, I have been on several long distance trips by myself or with the kids but no H, I did a half-marathon earlier this year and a Spartan race....those kinds of things I can do.

It's the mental and emotional independence I need to work on.

uR, you're right (and PM said this, too). I'm still VERY affected by H's actions and moods. I worry about not having him in my life. I worry about if he's cheating on me or not. I worry that he'll never love me again. It's these self-defeating thoughts that I have to get rid of. And, that is TOUGH.

But all of you have given me some very concrete things to work on. And, I've been thinking a lot about them today. I need to get my journal out and start putting stuff to paper.

And, uR, how in the world did you know that I really, really, really need to forgive myself??? That just made me sob when I read that. I guess that's true for a lot of us on these forums. Very insightful.

So, looks like I've got a lot of work to keep me busy and out of H's way for awhile. LOL!

[Pudmuddle]

I think the emotional/mental dependence can be much harder, especially when you have loved someone for so long and just want them to be happy. It seems simple, but it is NOT. I am impressed by the things you have accomplished!

uR is awesome and very wise. I, too, appreciate the concrete list she made, that is wonderful to see it in print.

You will get there. Keep going on day by day.

[uRworthy]

I worry about not having him in my life. I worry about if he's cheating on me or not. I worry that he'll never love me again. It's these self-defeating thoughts that I have to get rid of. And, that is TOUGH.

It is a process, Angela. Here's the thing. Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go and making changes can.

The thing to remember is that anything you did or didnt do in your marriage was never with the intent to cause harm to it or your h. You did the best you could with the tools and knowledge you had at the time. And because of all that, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

[Pudmuddle]

The thing to remember is that anything you did or didn't do in your marriage was never with the intent to cause harm to it or your h. You did the best you could with the tools and knowledge you had at the time. And because of all that, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

This was an awesome piece of advice uR. You are the bomb!

[planet]

Believe YOU will be alright.
Forgiving yourself will come naturally.

[JayMan]

Yep, I've finally hit critical mass where I realize I'm a great cook, housekeeper, parent, etc.

Keep pushing for that!

[Feenix]

Thank you all that posted yesterday!
Good, good stuff there!

And, good, JonF...I'm glad you're starting to see your own worth! Good positives for you!

I spent a lot of time writing in my journal last night. Had some good thoughts come from it, especially after reading the stuff here first and applying it to my journaling.

And, on the way to work this morning, I was worrying over everything....and I suddenly remembered what was said..."worrying does not change the outcome...." and I was able to stop worrying and start focusing on stuff I can do to be a better me! And it helped to try to BELIEVE that I will be ok, too, no matter what.