Rise & Shine - Need Support

[3boymom]

Hi - I have been reading the posts for a while and soaking in as much information as possible. I have read DR and am currently speaking with a coach.

Synopsis of my sitch:

-Been M for 7 yrs; together for 15
-Have 3 beautiful boys, ages 4, 2 & 10 months
-BD 07/13(having EA w co-worker; ILYBINIWY;)
-EA likely over a year at this point (I had a gut feeling but did not confirm for sure until 07/13); OW is a complete mess (if I went into details about her life you would think I am lying)
-H moved out 07/13; Claims that he does not know what he wants and needs time

I have to admit that despite reading DR, reading the posts and speaking with my coach, I have been doing a horrible job implementing the advise provided to me. It took me a long time to get my emotions under control and to pick myself up off the ground after the BD. I see my H on almost a daily basis because of the kids which has proved to be very hard. I feel like he throws in daily jabs to hurt me in order to justify his actions and decisions.

But it feels like I have finally turned a corner. I am ready to get my life back and find happiness in the things that I can control. I have promised myself that for the next 30 days, I will follow the advise of my coach and everything in DR (I am a planner/controller by nature, so I like being able to cross each day off my calendar to show my progress). If I stick to the advice for 30 days, I am rewarding myself with a spa day.

I will focus on myself and stop trying to change my H. I am prepared to avoid his jabs and not let him push my buttons. I have stopped asking about the OW and stopped snooping.

I have been GAL since July. My calendar is full of activities with the kids, activities with girlfriends, signed up for a mom's group, enrolled in yoga class. Its honestly feels great and I am much happier in this aspect than I have been in years. I pretty much spent the last year waiting around to see if H was going to spend time with us and forgot to live my own life.

The first five days of this new journey have gone pretty well. No crying, pleading, asking questions. I have not contacted him first. We talk just about logistics, very little chit-chat. I am friendly. I have been getting off the phone as soon as we finish discussing the logistics.

However, we did get into an argument on day 2 because he took my kids to lunch with OW (another co-worker, my MIL and BIL were also there). I told him that under no circumstances will our children be in OW's presence again. He apologized and stated that it would not happen again. I don't believe anything that comes out of his mouth, but hope that he can respect this boundary.

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation with OW and the kids? I want him to respect this one boundary (since he is not respecting anything else at this moment).

Also, I can use any support that I can get during the next 30 days and the days that follow. I will keep updating on my progress. I feel blessed to have found a place where people understand what I am going through. I am in counseling and she knows all the details. I told two close friends (and my immediate family) that H moved out, but they don't know the details. It is nice to have a place to complain and vent and know that I will be understood. I am ready for any advice that you have and for some scolding if I get off track.

[3boymom]

Baby Steps...It has been one week without any backslides. I have seen H everyday (due to kids) and we have managed to be civil. I have been happy and friendly. I have been taking better care of myself and feel beautiful and more confident. For the past year, H's negative comments have been holding me down.

H has started to call/text more often. He is generally calling about the kids, but it is a step in the right direction. For so long, he has been avoiding communication because he is worried that I will break down and he does not want to deal with it. For the first time in over a year and despite the fact that he no longer lives there, H started helping me around our house. He organized the garage, changed the filters, changed light bulbs. H took out the trash. H used to do all these things but stopped over a year ago when he checked out of the marriage. While we were organizing the garage, he was even talking about improvements to the house and that we should take a day when the kids are away to work on the house. I saw a tiny glimpse of the man that I married that has been gone for so long.

I know that this does not mean anything, but it is nice to see that maybe we can become friends again and/or at least co-parent in a positive manner. Two weeks ago we literally could not even be in the same room together. I keep reminding myself to focus on the small things and keep working on me.

I can honestly say that it feels amazing to be the bigger person in this situation. I have moments of pure happiness again.

I spent so much time focusing on GAL and not backsliding that I did not even realize my biggest big break through so far. Not only have I not cried in front of H, I have not shed a single tear in one week. After months of crying every day, something has changed inside me. I still get angry and hate the situation I am in, but I dont feel the deep depression anymore. I am getting stronger by the day (still not there completely by any means, but making baby steps).

Tonight I am headed out to dinner for a ladies night out with a new moms group that I joined. Tomorrow night I have IC and then my new yoga class. For the first time in years, I am taking time for myself and it feels nice. It makes me sad to miss these two evenings with my kiddos, but I know that these things will make me a happier person and better mommy.

[Pudmuddle]

I'm impressed 3boyzmom with how far you have come in a week!

Most of your story hit home with me about losing myself in my M and being an unhappy person. I agree it has felt wonderful to feel like me again and know I can be that way without needing H's approval or reactions.

I no longer cry everyday either, and if I start it doesn't last for more than a few minutes and I don't let H see. It feels great to be in control of myself, like you said, being the better/bigger person...and being HAPPY.

Good for you for setting goals for yourself, and the reward of a spa day is awesome incentive.

Keep posting! We are here for you.

[AnotherStander]

Hello, welcome to the forums!

Hi - I have been reading the posts for a while and soaking in as much information as possible. I have read DR and am currently speaking with a coach.

That's fantastic, most new people come in here without having read a thing and instantly want the "quick fix", it's refreshing to see someone who did a lot of the legwork before posting, so congrats

I have to admit that despite reading DR, reading the posts and speaking with my coach, I have been doing a horrible job implementing the advise provided to me. It took me a long time to get my emotions under control and to pick myself up off the ground after the BD.

Was BD in July when he moved out? If so you're still early in your sitch and it's not unusual at all for the emotions to still be running wild after a few months. So I don't think it took you a "long time" at all.

I feel like he throws in daily jabs to hurt me in order to justify his actions and decisions.

Quite common. Just let them roll off of you and maintain your PMA.

I have promised myself that for the next 30 days, I will follow the advise of my coach and everything in DR (I am a planner/controller by nature, so I like being able to cross each day off my calendar to show my progress). If I stick to the advice for 30 days, I am rewarding myself with a spa day.

Good! But reward yourself with the spa day no matter what! Don't look at this as success/ failure, just promise to try your hardest and reward yourself for THAT.

I will focus on myself and stop trying to change my H. I am prepared to avoid his jabs and not let him push my buttons. I have stopped asking about the OW and stopped snooping.

Good stuff!

I have been GAL since July. My calendar is full of activities with the kids, activities with girlfriends, signed up for a mom's group, enrolled in yoga class. Its honestly feels great and I am much happier in this aspect than I have been in years.

Perfect, that's great DB'ing!

Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation with OW and the kids? I want him to respect this one boundary (since he is not respecting anything else at this moment).

Yes, leave it alone. You can't enforce boundaries on him, especially involving OW. Unless she is potentially harmful to your kids (as in is violent, or drinks or is on drugs) then don't concern yourself with it. There are no "consequences" you can enforce on him, and therefore you can't enforce the boundary. For example, what's the worst you can threaten, divorce? But he wants that anyway, and afterwards he can have OW around the kids as much as he wants regardless. See what I'm saying?

I told two close friends (and my immediate family) that H moved out, but they don't know the details.

Don't offer info to shared friends and family because they always try to intervene and the WAS always blames the LBS for "rallying the troops" against them (even if the LBS knows nothing about it). If they press you for details just say the two of you need some space to think things through and leave it at that. Make it sound like it's something you BOTH want.

Now if you have friends that have no contact with your H and don't know him, then by all means share everything with them. It's good to have the support here, but there's nothing more therapeutic then having face-to-face convos with people.

[AnotherStander]

One more thing, these positive signs you're seeing from your H, just chalk them up as "baby steps" and keep up with your DB'ing. This is a marathon, not a sprint. It's going to take many months, probably even a year or more, before things truly turn around. Be very patient!

[3boymom]

Thank you all so much for the advice. I have felt so alone the past year. I have been hiding everything from my friends and family because if we are ever able to reconcile, I don't want it to affect their perception of H and make things more difficult.

I do have concerns about OW. I believe (and H has somewhat admitted) that OW has a drinking problem. H has been trying to save her from her downward spiral and has spent the past year picking her up. It is so ironic that H was there for OW, but here I am alone picking myself up and moving forward with my life on my own. Despite the fact that it hurts and I will have a million setbacks on my journey, it makes me smile to know that I am strong and I will do this for myself and my kids.

[Pudmuddle]

Ugh, I know that hurts to see them be so "loyal" to someone else when they have been completely disloyal to you. I had that happen early on after BD and couldn't believe what I was hearing. Especially when OW made threats on her FB page to my family. My H had calmly defended her. I was like 'yeah, i'm over this'. Not a battle I even want to be a part of especially when someone is morally corrupt and indecent.

Keep believing you are strong, even when you don't feel it. Post here and you won't feel so alone after a while.

Take care.

[3boymom]

I was doing great until tonight. I had IC and she mentioned that she noticed a difference. She could see some of the happiness I have found and see me building strength and that I am really working in me. I left feeling good and headed to me new yoga class which was excellent.

My H was at the house watching the kids. We talked about the kids and their night. H mentioned a class that he had taken today and I asked how it went. He mentioned needing to do homework for his class tomorrow. Without thinking I asked how he was getting to class because he can't drive on Thursdays (part of punishment for DUI). He responsed that OW was driving him (they work together and it is a work related class). I instantly wished that I could have taken back the question. I did not even think before I asked because we have spent so much time talking about driving arrangements and kids because of his driving situation. I told H that I appreciated his honesty and simply stated I would be lying if I said that it does not hurt. He followed with his general "I am not trying to hurt you and I have no way else to get there because no one else knows about the DUI.). I let him end the conversation. No crying telling or anything.

Ahhh...how do you keep DBing without being a doormat. I know I should not have said anything and made it look like I could care less, but I just hate that he thinks he can do as he pleases. I know I can't change his actions and how he thinks but how do I get to the point of not feeling like a doormat?

[3boymom]

Sad morning after last night...it still blows my mind how this man who used to love me with all his heart feels no remorse. However, I know that he has to walk his own journey and I have to walk mine.

I have been having a hard time not planning the future. I am a planner and love looking forward to vacations and fun adventures. With everything up in the air and just living in crisis mode, I have shut down all thoughts about the future.

But I did something crazy this morning...I booked a trip to Disney for the kids and myself for next September. Disney has held a big place in my heart. H and I got engaged there and enjoyed several fun trips alone and with the kids. The boys have been begging to go again. H and I had talked about taking the kids next year. I decided that even if H is not in the picture, I can still take my boys and have an excellent time. We can make new memories that will last a lifetime. So this morning when I received an email with an excellent discount, I called and put a hold on a room. It is fully refundable and I can make changes or cancel all together if it is not doable next year.

I need to learn that no matter what happens, I will be able to make amazing memories on my own with the kids. We will make plans together and have things to look forward to. I know that come September 2014, I will be proud of the journey that I have taken (regardless of where it leads) and I will have a blast!!

[Pudmuddle]

Sad morning after last night...it still blows my mind how this man who used to love me with all his heart feels no remorse. However, I know that he has to walk his own journey and I have to walk mine.

You are learning detachment! Good for YOU! Love him from afar.

I have been having a hard time not planning the future. I am a planner and love looking forward to vacations and fun adventures. With everything up in the air and just living in crisis mode, I have shut down all thoughts about the future.

I have done this too, and still have a hard time figuring out what to do with future things. Holidays, I dread right now.

But I did something crazy this morning...I booked a trip to Disney for the kids and myself for next September. Disney has held a big place in my heart. H and I got engaged there and enjoyed several fun trips alone and with the kids. The boys have been begging to go again. H and I had talked about taking the kids next year. I decided that even if H is not in the picture, I can still take my boys and have an excellent time. We can make new memories that will last a lifetime. So this morning when I received an email with an excellent discount, I called and put a hold on a room. It is fully refundable and I can make changes or cancel all together if it is not doable next year.

I don't think this is crazy! I think this is very brave and strong of you.

I need to learn that no matter what happens, I will be able to make amazing memories on my own with the kids. We will make plans together and have things to look forward to. I know that come September 2014, I will be proud of the journey that I have taken (regardless of where it leads) and I will have a blast!!

Be patient with yourself as well. It's a long, up and down journey. I can see in your posts you are already becoming stronger. Now believe it!