Suckerpunch (the process)

[jp787]

SP,

It seems that you are missing a critical piece to relationship happiness- empathy. You seem very concerned with how other people hurt you or your feelings, yet are simultaneously unable to see how your words and actions affect and hurt others.

I suspect it is your lack of empathy that has driven your wife away - whether or not she is aware of the word or it's meaning. To her it feels as if everything has to revolve around you. What matters to her is never considered, unless it serves you as well. Several times by my count (I read all of your many, many posts) she has reached out to you in a very vulnerable way, by phone, text and in person. You squandered each opportunity to connect with her by throwing back at her how YOU were the hurt one, or how YOU were the one in the right. You've blown it at every chance she's thrown to you.

Reading DB, DR, or any other book will do you no good if you don't start empathizing with your wife (or anyone for that matter). Unless you've got a serious personality disorder, empathy can be learned- that's the good news.

You can start where it will most likely be the easiest for you: empathizing with your daughter. Sit in a quiet room and try to see life through her eyes. Imagine living through her day. Imagine how she sees you (not how she should see you, or how you see you). Imagine the emotions she is grappling with each day. Imagine the turmoil her world is in. How are each of the people in her life touching her? Who makes her feel safe and warm? Who makes her fear for her future? Who makes her happy and how? Who makes her sad and why?

We're you able to sit through the exercise and come out feeling like you understand her better, or did you focus on you and become impatient with it?

With few exceptions on this board, we have contributed directly to the issues we currently face in our marriages. Part of growing is learning from these mistakes an changing ourselves for the better. If you cannot see how you contribute to your own unhappiness, and the unhappiness of those around you, you will never see the need to make the changes in yourself that are required- for you and your family. you get advice on this board that you either simply dismiss, or put up a defense against.

You got you here. Do not attempt to shift the blame to anyone else, circumstance, or the universe. It's on you. If you had been looking at your actions as they affected your wife all along, you would be happily married right now and not posting on here. Writing back to me to defend yourself will not bring your wife back. Owning it and making changes might.

I'm hoping for your sake (but mostly your daughter's) that you are able to change.

-hs

Well here are my thoughts…
What HS wrote spoke to me. I felt as if it could have been posted on my thread. Was it too much, no not really to me, but I am at a point that I need the hard truth and a kick in the A55.
I have traveled with SP since the beginning and share several of his same traits, so maybe this is why I can relate in this way.
It is very important to read what others write and do it knowing that they do it out of a sense of caring and wanting to help.
I have been pushed over the edge by some of the post 25 has wrote on my thread and I go back to them often reading them over and over as there is hard truth in them.
I think there is something positive in everyone’s post, as we are all trying to help the other person as well as ourselves.
Do we ever get it wrong, ya no doubt, but we are trying.
I think what I like best is the variety of personalities here…
Urworthy, wise and kind.
Mach1, makes you think and can see deep into a person.
25, tells it like it is and pushes us to change.
Sandi, tells it like it is and pushes us to open our eyes
Another stander, shoots from the hip with kindness and validation.
Please no bad feelings from those I didn’t list, as there are so many…
Just remember we are all helping each other and ourselves.
Take what works for you and be grateful for this place.