I have read a bit. I believe while he is in the anger stage, it may be best to take it slowly. Boundaries should be set, but right now try to be a bit flexible.
Ambiv,
What specific boundaries do you suggest that Peace should set right now?
Hi All, thank you very much for your supports and advices. After H said he will move out, we haven't talked any details yet, such as finance, timeshares with kids... Ambiv, I really appreciated your inputs. What kind of boundries should I set? He wants to come over every day. Is it too much? But our kids are still very young (5 and 7 years old), they didn't know anything yet. It is so hard to tell them.
And What list will Cadet send to me?
Is there any legal issue I need to concern now?
Thanks,
M 18 yrs 5 & 7 yrs old kids H DB in 4/2013 H moved out in 11/2013
I have read a bit. I believe while he is in the anger stage, it may be best to take it slowly. Boundaries should be set, but right now try to be a bit flexible.
Ambiv,
What specific boundaries do you suggest that Peace should set right now?
Hi All, as always I really appreciate your replies. Those resources help me understand more about my current situation.
I have one more question here. Now H always travels to meet the OW but never let me know his traveling dates in advance. He informed me two or three days before he is gone, and usually he will be gone all the weekend or even longer. And he never let me knew where he was. Should I set some boundries for this issue? Because I think we both need to arrange our time and coopreate to take care of kids and do things for ourself.
Thank you for your inputs.
M 18 yrs 5 & 7 yrs old kids H DB in 4/2013 H moved out in 11/2013
I have one more question here. Now H always travels to meet the OW but never let me know his traveling dates in advance. He informed me two or three days before he is gone, and usually he will be gone all the weekend or even longer. And he never let me knew where he was. Should I set some boundries for this issue? Because I think we both need to arrange our time and coopreate to take care of kids and do things for ourself.
Thank you for your inputs.
Any family therapist worth their salt would tell you that it's best for the children to set up permanent, written monthly schedules. There should be SOME flexibility built into them, when WORK travel is necessary for one or more of the spouses, but I certainly would NOT allow your husband to allow last-minute trips to visit his OW to interfere with a regular, structured schedule that is best for your children.
If he wants to have an ongoing role in your children's lives, then he's going to have to let you know his schedule in advance, and then STICK TO IT (absent any emergencies, work travel, etc.).
Thanks, Starsky. I talked to H last nigth about his absence and asked him to inform me his schedule in advance for the best of our kids. But he denied in a very defensive and rude way. He said he doesn't need to and if I don't want to take care of the kids, he can have full custody. But in the meantime he also said he wants to move out so he can focus on his work since he was ver busy lately. I know it is an excuse, and It sounds so unreasonable and inresponsible. How can he have enough time to take care of kids while he is busy at work and meeting the OW? Anyway, H doesn't want to have the boundries. Though he claims he can take care of kids very well all by himself, but the reality is He even didn't have time to cook for them. He always let them eat fast food, and rarely checked their homework when I was not home. Most of the time I did the everything. How should I deal with him?
M 18 yrs 5 & 7 yrs old kids H DB in 4/2013 H moved out in 11/2013
Thanks, Starsky. I talked to H last nigth about his absence and asked him to inform me his schedule in advance for the best of our kids. But he denied in a very defensive and rude way. He said he doesn't need to and if I don't want to take care of the kids, he can have full custody. But in the meantime he also said he wants to move out so he can focus on his work since he was ver busy lately. I know it is an excuse, and It sounds so unreasonable and inresponsible. How can he have enough time to take care of kids while he is busy at work and meeting the OW? Anyway, H doesn't want to have the boundries. Though he claims he can take care of kids very well all by himself, but the reality is He even didn't have time to cook for them. He always let them eat fast food, and rarely checked their homework when I was not home. Most of the time I did the everything. How should I deal with him?
You don't. You tell him "Look, I have no desire to control you, but the fact of the matter is the kids need some structure and stability in their lives, and a monthly parenting plan gives them that. If you don't believe me, ask any good family therapist that you trust. In any event, let me know when you're ready to do that, because I'm not going to waver on this point."
And then stick to your boundary. He WILL test it -- repeatedly, I suspect, because I'm guessing that you have a pretty strong history of never enforcing them (or maybe not trying to even set them up to begin with).
Once he realizes you're serious about this, he will work with you to set up a parenting plan that's best for your kids.
How can he have enough time to take care of kids while he is busy at work and meeting the OW?
He can't. Any any good divorce/custody agreement is going to give you first-right-of-refusal on any days or nights that he cannot be with them ... you have first choice to have the kids yourself, before he can hire a babysitter.
He's just talking tough, because:
a) he thinks you don't know what your legal rights are (DO you?); and
b) he thinks you'll never enforce your boundaries.
