FY, In her mind, you are denying her the car after all of this time. Like a child, she's throwing a hissy fit. You don't reward this type of behavior. What I would do is allow her to calm herself down and do not have any more discussions w/her about the car until she does. At that time, you can explain that you want to ensure that the finances are in order and go from there.
If you go out and purchase the car now, she will, like a child, use this behavior again to get what she wants. Step back and give her a wide berth to diffuse that anger. Some will say that my advice isn't the best, but like you, I wouldn't reward this type of behavior.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Is she angry about the car still? And pouting like a little girl? And wants you to know she is hurting still?
Is there something you can do together (harvest garden veggies, carve a pumpkin, etc.) that can give you some neutral time together where she can compose herself to be able to be civil again?
Maybe she feels you shot down her idea about the car and feels unbelievably hurt about it. And she knows you caused all her pain (in her mind).
Yet, you are there day in day out with a cheery good morning and a handsome body and face. You. You are always there for her. One day she will appreciate that. Maybe not today. I'm sorry
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I suggest invoking the 24-72 hour rule...just back off and let her work herself out of her state...I have teenagers and that rule works pretty well with them, and mlc'ers...
And yes that there is indeed teenager behavior...
They are not going to open up mind or heart space until their anger/frustration/etc is simmered down and/or burned out...
Just go about being your awesome self, "as if", and maybe bring it up again in a day or so, unless she does first, naturally...
Hang in there, my friend!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Thanks for confirming my thoughts, job. While I don't want rush in and bring the issue back up, I also don't want to not talk about it and allow it to be swept under the rug. Just thinking about some of our past behaviors here.
Quote:
Maybe she feels you shot down her idea about the car and feels unbelievably hurt about it. And she knows you caused all her pain (in her mind).
The thing is I never said we couldn't get whatever car she wanted. Only that I wasn't sure about spending big money right now. You're right she was hurt, which was never my intent. Once hurt, she wouldn't let me explain. Wouldn't discuss it in a civil manner.
"Ok, then I'll just end up on the side of the road" "Just tell me what I can have" "Maybe I should just don your socks while you decide" (this one seems funny now, but it wasn't then)
Oh, and several F-you's after I smiled and said we should talk about this tomorrow and left the room.
I think I will bring it up tonight. I think I have too.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY, With the economy the way it is right now, even I am, hesitant to purchase a new vehicle, at least until after the Government budget issues are resolved. I would wait until tomorrow or even the weekend to continue the discussion. But, of course, you are there w/her and can tell what her anger temp is. If she is still angry, leave her be.
Good luck!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You know FY, I get that her feelings might be hurt. And I get why you are hesitant to spend the money at this time.
The thing is that I dont feel MLC gives them a free pass to do or say whatever they feel like to us. It just doesnt.
You are entitled to how you feel and should be able to express that to her.
Having said that, I think she is feeling like you are her parent and no adult wants to feel that way.
I dont see anything wrong with you saying, I understand you are upset about how I am feeling about this big purchase. May I please explain my thinking and then we can decide together how to move forward regarding this?
I understand what the others are saying about would this matter if you both reconciled. Is it worth it to argue about it?
But I feel that you have been more than accomadating to her and that your feelings do matter, too.
If you feel this strongly, I would urge you to speak to her about it.
Good luck, sweetie. I know you will do this in your wonderful FY way.
I haven't brought up the car issue yet because W doesn't seem receptive. She is basically giving me the silent treatment, with a few grumbles and snide comments thrown in. I offered a few pleasantries because I don't want to be a contributing partner in the silent treatment game. Then just backed off and giving her space.
When she came home from work yesterday she was really uptight. By the end of the night she was quite relaxed. I think our home (and me) must not be that bad.
Still doing her share of the chores, and then some! Went down into our home gym for a brief workout too.
Tonight she just said she's going out, and left.
I expect tomorrow she'll warm up a bit as it's my B-day. She got me a gift and we went out to dinner last year.
W asked me last week what I planned to do, and then added "it doesn't have to be with me".
In the morning I'm planning a bike ride at a nearby state park, in the evening I planned to go to the drag races. I asked several friends and family if they wanted to join me. There's a chance I'll be alone on one or even both of these events as everyone either said they couldn't make it or haven't confirmed yet. I'm looking forward to the fresh nature air and burning rubber!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I think you're wise not to bring up the car issue quite yet. Let her ease out of her anger/tantrum. She may even bring it up again and want to talk about it in a more adult way. If she doesn't bring it up and you still want to revisit the conversation so that you can get your points across then wait till she warms up a bit and can listen with adult ears and not her "child" ears and possibly understand that you're looking at the bigger picture.
Let me be the first to wish you a Happy Birthday, FY. Have fun on your bike ride and if your family and friends can't join you will still have a good time at the Drags. If I were there I'd join you for sure. Love drag racing!
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Hope you have a wonderful birthday Forever! I hope and pray that you get what you truly desire. You , mz. Jaye and I all have birthdays within days of each other - Libras! Have a great day!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
FY, I just posted on my thread when I meant to post on yours! Whoops!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
