Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part V)

[AnotherStander]

Oh, I forgot to mention this in my last post. D16 told me that she told W about a boy she's interested in. She told W he was homecoming king, is on the football team, is a really nice guy, and is black. When D16 mentioned that last to W, she just about lost it. But get this, she told D16 she couldn't date a black boy because of ME!!! She said I would never allow it! WHAT???? I told D16 that I am only interested in the person, not the race. I said I would like to meet him and see what he's like. D16 said she knew that, and she was really angry with W for telling her she couldn't go out with him simply because of his color, and for blaming me for it. W never showed any racist inclinations in the 25 years I've known her. So bizarre!

I was reading your story and feeling your anguish over your W responses. I can see you wanted to back her up, yet would not do it blindly.

Well I did go in thinking it was going to be W and I having a discussion with D16 as a team. Somewhere back in one of my threads I mentioned that my IC had explained to me about the 3 levels of communication (adult/ parent/ child). That was a revelation to me because I could see that on the rare times W and I had argued in the past, it was parent-child instead of adult-adult. Since then I've always strived for adult-adult convos even with the kids. What surprised me that day was W and D16 were going at it like child-child, it was tough for me not to slip into my old "parent" mode! I tried to hold to "adult" and I think it helped them both to come out of "child" mode and more towards "adult", I'm not sure either of them made it there but it was an improvement.

Maybe I've missed it further back in your situation, but does your W have some deeper emotional or mental health issues?

After D16 was born W went through major PPD, I don't remember exactly when but some time before S10 was born W started A/D's and has been on them ever since. Her father died a long, painful death (MS) when she was in high school and she's never fully dealt with the anger she felt towards him for dying like that. She knows it's wrong to blame him, but at the same time she still does. And when she was out of college she shacked up with a guy that mentally abused her, he threatened her life many times. A couple of times she woke up in the middle of the night to find him standing over her with a knife in his hand, things like that. I'd say she's pretty stable considering what she's been through, but I think this may be part of why she's afraid to communicate. I complained to her throughout our marriage that she would never tell me anything, I had to drag stuff out of her in little bits and pieces. Two times in our marriage she racked up huge debt on her CC's without telling me, both times it was after years of accumulation. She spent those years afraid I would find out, harboring this big secret, thinking I would freak out when I found out. So yeah, there are definitely some issues I don't think she's ever fully addressed. She does see an IC though.

I also think maybe your W's gripping control on your D and her lack of trust stems from her own insecurities and her LACK OF CONTROL over her own life (she may perceive she has this falso sense of control therefore projects it in her R with your D).

Interesting point. I really have no idea what's going on in W's life other than what the kids tell me (which isn't much) although I suspect she does feel that way. She claimed a while back that she no longer felt confused about things and that she wanted D, but you know Sandi's rule about not believing anything the WAS says!

I think your W is definitely is a different person-----we are different every day. Not to get too philosophical....Facing death can cause our brains to do all kinds of crazy things...also the chemicals in her treatments might be making things change inside her...

I think the difference goes back to BD, but D16 says to her it seems like W has been a lot different the last month, so yes, it may have something to do with cancer or the treatments. She didn't do chemo, only radiation. So no chemical exposure. But you're correct, facing this kind of stuff can be life-changing. For some people it's the reality that they really are going to die some day, maybe sooner than they thought. I came very close to death twice, once in a really bad car wreck (car rolled several times and ended up on its side) and the other a near-drowning at the bottom of a waterfall stuck in the "roller" underneath two rafts. Both times I emerged unscathed, but death felt so darned close that I've always viewed every day since then as a "bonus".

I expect the same thing will happen with the divorce. I am expecting to just receive papers in the mail after 1 year of separation (5th Dec according to W), it can all be done online in Australia.

Wow! It's just amazing to me that M's can be ended so easily, without even a face-to-face in your case. In the US a lot of the states are starting to realize that many M's can be healed if enough time goes by and many states have implemented a 12 month "cooling off" period before a D can be made final. It's still 60 days here in TX though. I hope more states adopt that.

Your poor D, looks like she is W's new fixation.

Good grief, I didn't even think of that but I think you're right! I'll have to think about the implications of that!

Sounds like your wife is struggling to find herself in all of this. It almost seems like she is grasping to control something in all of this turmoil (since her own emotions and actions seem out of her control), and your daughter finds herself directly in her sights.

That is very thought-provoking That rings really true. What's sad about it is D16 had done nothing to deserve the lack of trust. She has certainly earned my trust over the years. I think that's what frustrates her the most, there is really no reason for W NOT to trust her yet she refuses to.

BTW, I too fly RC aircraft. Well, I should say "did". They have been collecting dust for a decade or so. Haven't found the time to go out and do it! Oddly enough, I was just looking at my planes in the attic recently, wondering if I would still be able to fly them without crashing! I suppose it's like riding a bike.....

Excellent! I've gone a few years without flying before and you're right, it does come back pretty quickly. I fly just about everything you can imagine- parkflyers, sailplanes, jets (ducted fans), aerobatic planes, helicopters, multi-rotors (quads and a hex). All are electrics, I've never flown gas. The battery, motor and speed controller technology has come so far in the last 10 years that electrics now surpass gas performance in all except the biggest planes. You should get them down, it's such an incredible sense of freedom flying R/C planes, there's nothing like it Either that or just go buy a new one, you can get ready-to-fly packages these days for around 100 bucks, and many of them fly really great!

I was just reading a story and wanted to share it with you guys as I think it applies to all of us, I thought this quote was really touching. A woman was in the holocaust, she was taken when she was 3 and made the German commander's concubine, for the next 2-1/2 years she was subjected to horrifying sexual abuse by him. When she was taken her father was killed and her mother taken separately, she never saw her again. After she was liberated, she told her adopted mother what she had gone through and this is what the woman told her:

'Look, darling, hold my hands. You will never forget this experience. You can't. It happened to you, it's real. But put it in your soul deep, deep down and don't let it live on your skin, because this is a beautiful life and almost all the people on this planet are beautiful, loving people. And you're going to know them and you're going to live a beautiful life filled with joy.'