AS, with regards to the emotion of divorce being reality, I agree and think we all will go through that. Some ways I think we need to have that emotion at those moments, just to show we are still human. When my transfer came in, the emotion hit really hard. Even though I had been thinking about how I will handle it for weeks leading up to it. I expect the same thing will happen with the divorce. I am expecting to just receive papers in the mail after 1 year of separation (5th Dec according to W), it can all be done online in Australia.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Sounds like your wife is struggling to find herself in all of this. It almost seems like she is grasping to control something in all of this turmoil (since her own emotions and actions seem out of her control), and your daughter finds herself directly in her sights. I think part of your wife's struggle is that she had convinced herself that you were "all bad" but can clearly see that you are not. It's probably creating a lot of confusion in her.
Great job with your daughter. It is very important to validate her feelings so that she will be a more emotionally stable woman later. I think that going through what you have, you get that.
BTW, I too fly RC aircraft. Well, I should say "did". They have been collecting dust for a decade or so. Haven't found the time to go out and do it! Oddly enough, I was just looking at my planes in the attic recently, wondering if I would still be able to fly them without crashing! I suppose it's like riding a bike.....
Thank you all so much, I'm really surprised at the response! When I typed all that out I thought "oh gosh, this is too long, no one is going to read it." But I went ahead and posted it anyway. Thanks for reading, and thanks for the responses, it gives me a totally different perspective on it! I didn't think it was a big deal, but reading the responses has made me rethink that, it was a more significant event than I realized.
As an update on that, D16 called me a couple of days after and said she and W had gotten in another big fight over it. She said W had tried to check the locator and it was turned off, W got mad and called D16's friend's mom again and raised a stink. I asked D16 how it got turned off and she said she didn't know. I told her it couldn't have turned off on it's own. She was on her way home so I told her we'd talk about it then.
When she got home she admitted that she did turn it off (I didn't beat her up over the lie, I was just glad she fessed up without any prodding from me), she wanted to test W to see if she would follow through on her promise to call first before checking the locator. W didn't. She checked it first, then tried to call D16 but D16 was bowling and didn't hear the phone. Then W called the other mom. I told D16 that I understood her frustration at W not following through on her promise, but she didn't follow through on hers either because she promised to leave the locator on. I told her to turn it back on and leave it on and let W do whatever she is going to do and just keep track of it, then in a couple of weeks if she feels W's behavior is inappropriate then we'll all sit down to discuss it again.
In other news, I went to another R/C plane fly-in last weekend near Houston. Good gosh it was hot there! It was 55 in the DFW area when I left and 97 at the fly-in! It was great seeing some old friends though, and I did get a lot of flying in. When I signed in the guy asked me if I was superstitious, I said "no" and he handed me my number- 13. I then went out to the flight line and promptly wrecked one of my planes, LOL! Wrecked another later in the day. Both are repairable, so not a big deal. But it left me wondering if there's something to this 13 business
I bought some Halloween craft kits at Michael's (on sale so I grabbed several)- they're foam haunted house kits. S10 built two of them, D16 built two and D18 wants to build one when she comes in this weekend. They're displayed on the mantle, they look so cool! They've got a lot of glittery stuff on them and the light that shines down on them really shows it off. The kids love doing stuff like that, I need to remember to keep them involved in artsy stuff.
Oh, I forgot to mention this in my last post. D16 told me that she told W about a boy she's interested in. She told W he was homecoming king, is on the football team, is a really nice guy, and is black. When D16 mentioned that last to W, she just about lost it. But get this, she told D16 she couldn't date a black boy because of ME!!! She said I would never allow it! WHAT???? I told D16 that I am only interested in the person, not the race. I said I would like to meet him and see what he's like. D16 said she knew that, and she was really angry with W for telling her she couldn't go out with him simply because of his color, and for blaming me for it. W never showed any racist inclinations in the 25 years I've known her. So bizarre!
Originally Posted By: jp787
I was reading your story and feeling your anguish over your W responses. I can see you wanted to back her up, yet would not do it blindly.
Well I did go in thinking it was going to be W and I having a discussion with D16 as a team. Somewhere back in one of my threads I mentioned that my IC had explained to me about the 3 levels of communication (adult/ parent/ child). That was a revelation to me because I could see that on the rare times W and I had argued in the past, it was parent-child instead of adult-adult. Since then I've always strived for adult-adult convos even with the kids. What surprised me that day was W and D16 were going at it like child-child, it was tough for me not to slip into my old "parent" mode! I tried to hold to "adult" and I think it helped them both to come out of "child" mode and more towards "adult", I'm not sure either of them made it there but it was an improvement.
Originally Posted By: JonF
Maybe I've missed it further back in your situation, but does your W have some deeper emotional or mental health issues?
After D16 was born W went through major PPD, I don't remember exactly when but some time before S10 was born W started A/D's and has been on them ever since. Her father died a long, painful death (MS) when she was in high school and she's never fully dealt with the anger she felt towards him for dying like that. She knows it's wrong to blame him, but at the same time she still does. And when she was out of college she shacked up with a guy that mentally abused her, he threatened her life many times. A couple of times she woke up in the middle of the night to find him standing over her with a knife in his hand, things like that. I'd say she's pretty stable considering what she's been through, but I think this may be part of why she's afraid to communicate. I complained to her throughout our marriage that she would never tell me anything, I had to drag stuff out of her in little bits and pieces. Two times in our marriage she racked up huge debt on her CC's without telling me, both times it was after years of accumulation. She spent those years afraid I would find out, harboring this big secret, thinking I would freak out when I found out. So yeah, there are definitely some issues I don't think she's ever fully addressed. She does see an IC though.
Originally Posted By: littleGTO
I also think maybe your W's gripping control on your D and her lack of trust stems from her own insecurities and her LACK OF CONTROL over her own life (she may perceive she has this falso sense of control therefore projects it in her R with your D).
Interesting point. I really have no idea what's going on in W's life other than what the kids tell me (which isn't much) although I suspect she does feel that way. She claimed a while back that she no longer felt confused about things and that she wanted D, but you know Sandi's rule about not believing anything the WAS says!
Originally Posted By: 7720
I think your W is definitely is a different person-----we are different every day. Not to get too philosophical....Facing death can cause our brains to do all kinds of crazy things...also the chemicals in her treatments might be making things change inside her...
I think the difference goes back to BD, but D16 says to her it seems like W has been a lot different the last month, so yes, it may have something to do with cancer or the treatments. She didn't do chemo, only radiation. So no chemical exposure. But you're correct, facing this kind of stuff can be life-changing. For some people it's the reality that they really are going to die some day, maybe sooner than they thought. I came very close to death twice, once in a really bad car wreck (car rolled several times and ended up on its side) and the other a near-drowning at the bottom of a waterfall stuck in the "roller" underneath two rafts. Both times I emerged unscathed, but death felt so darned close that I've always viewed every day since then as a "bonus".
Originally Posted By: hotwheelsaust
I expect the same thing will happen with the divorce. I am expecting to just receive papers in the mail after 1 year of separation (5th Dec according to W), it can all be done online in Australia.
Wow! It's just amazing to me that M's can be ended so easily, without even a face-to-face in your case. In the US a lot of the states are starting to realize that many M's can be healed if enough time goes by and many states have implemented a 12 month "cooling off" period before a D can be made final. It's still 60 days here in TX though. I hope more states adopt that.
Originally Posted By: kate's_place
Your poor D, looks like she is W's new fixation.
Good grief, I didn't even think of that but I think you're right! I'll have to think about the implications of that!
Originally Posted By: HopefulStill
Sounds like your wife is struggling to find herself in all of this. It almost seems like she is grasping to control something in all of this turmoil (since her own emotions and actions seem out of her control), and your daughter finds herself directly in her sights.
That is very thought-provoking That rings really true. What's sad about it is D16 had done nothing to deserve the lack of trust. She has certainly earned my trust over the years. I think that's what frustrates her the most, there is really no reason for W NOT to trust her yet she refuses to.
Originally Posted By: HopefulStill
BTW, I too fly RC aircraft. Well, I should say "did". They have been collecting dust for a decade or so. Haven't found the time to go out and do it! Oddly enough, I was just looking at my planes in the attic recently, wondering if I would still be able to fly them without crashing! I suppose it's like riding a bike.....
Excellent! I've gone a few years without flying before and you're right, it does come back pretty quickly. I fly just about everything you can imagine- parkflyers, sailplanes, jets (ducted fans), aerobatic planes, helicopters, multi-rotors (quads and a hex). All are electrics, I've never flown gas. The battery, motor and speed controller technology has come so far in the last 10 years that electrics now surpass gas performance in all except the biggest planes. You should get them down, it's such an incredible sense of freedom flying R/C planes, there's nothing like it Either that or just go buy a new one, you can get ready-to-fly packages these days for around 100 bucks, and many of them fly really great!
I was just reading a story and wanted to share it with you guys as I think it applies to all of us, I thought this quote was really touching. A woman was in the holocaust, she was taken when she was 3 and made the German commander's concubine, for the next 2-1/2 years she was subjected to horrifying sexual abuse by him. When she was taken her father was killed and her mother taken separately, she never saw her again. After she was liberated, she told her adopted mother what she had gone through and this is what the woman told her:
'Look, darling, hold my hands. You will never forget this experience. You can't. It happened to you, it's real. But put it in your soul deep, deep down and don't let it live on your skin, because this is a beautiful life and almost all the people on this planet are beautiful, loving people. And you're going to know them and you're going to live a beautiful life filled with joy.'
You are so great with your kids and responses with your wife. I enjoy reading your updates, truly inspirational.
Some have been telling me at me & my W behaviors have reversed too! I was short tempered, now she is & yells at the kids quite often. Many other examples but im sure most WAW behaviors are similar.
You seem to be in a good place in life, Your kids are very fortunate to have a father like you.
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
As always AS, thank you for sharing. I gain a lot from reading your posts. My h has filed. wanted to discuss how I wanted to receive petition. I have tests next week so it will probably be after that. I too am in TX. don't like the laws here. We've been togather 25+ years. I have started a journal of all the great and inspiriational quotes I hear. I will add that.
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
AS, I have been reading here for a while and found your posts so helpful that I read all your threads from the beginning. Thank you for all you've shared. I keep rooting for you that your hard work will pay off when your wife wakes up from her fog. I hope what I've learned will help me too. In the meantime, you continue to give me reasons to consider how I interact with my children to have the best relationship I can.
Please keep posting.
M43 H43 M14 T22 when it all fell apart D12 S10 "Never have been happy" 3/2013 EA/PA since 2/2013 H moved out 11/2013 H looking to buy a house where OW can live with him 5/2015 Very cordial, nothing filed
After I posted yesterday morning I was reading some other threads and someone mentioned their anniversary, I looked at the calendar and wow, it was my anniversary too! Or would have been. We haven't lived together or behaved like a married couple for over a year, so the fact that we've been "married" 21 years is more of a paper technicality than actuality. We were really "married" a little less than 20 years, the rest (since BD) has been something other than marriage. I didn't expect W to say anything about the anniversary, but I also didn't want to have her do something nice like bring cookies over and I have nothing. So I bought a flower arrangement just in case and put it in the fridge. She came by around 7 pm to pick up S10, chatted a while and left without saying a word about the anniversary. I doubt she forgot, she's always had an amazing memory for dates. I didn't expect her to say anything, but I have to admit it did sting that she didn't. I wasn't crying in my pillow or anything, but it was disappointing.
W still hasn't delivered the D papers she said she was going to bring last week. I did wonder if she would bring them by on our anniversary, wouldn't that have been a party, LOL!
Originally Posted By: Maritimer
You are so great with your kids and responses with your wife. I enjoy reading your updates, truly inspirational.
Some have been telling me that me & my W behaviors have reversed too! I was short tempered, now she is & yells at the kids quite often. Many other examples but im sure most WAW behaviors are similar.
You seem to be in a good place in life, Your kids are very fortunate to have a father like you.
Thank you, that's very kind! That's interesting that you've observed something similar in your sitch. The LBS's do tend to change a lot after BD and doing DB'ing and soul-searching. It's strange that the WAS often goes the opposite direction though. Maybe it's a manifestation of their unhappiness with their "new and improved" life? I don't know.
Originally Posted By: bustingout
That quote brought tears to my eyes...
Me too! I wish the story had talked more about the woman, but all it said was that she was a retired professor. The story was really about Diana Nyad, the woman that just swam from Cuba to Florida. She met the lady at a conference, saw the number tattooed on her arm and asked about it.
Originally Posted By: willbwell
As always AS, thank you for sharing. I gain a lot from reading your posts. My h has filed. wanted to discuss how I wanted to receive petition. I have tests next week so it will probably be after that. I too am in TX. don't like the laws here. We've been togather 25+ years. I have started a journal of all the great and inspiriational quotes I hear. I will add that.
Thank you, glad to hear I'm helping I think it's unfortunate that TX just has a 60 day wait, hopefully they'll change that to a year like many other states have. And the attitude about alimony here is a little odd too.
