okay- admission- this got long & i ended up "losing my way" somewhere down at the bottom- read at your own peril....
THANK YOU AND DRIVE THRU PLEASE...
yeah- it's really good to say things out loud and hear yourself sometimes too -isn't it???
i know- things that can't be written - i sure need to clean up my language, don't I???
Now that i'm here- i don't know why im thinking aobut this- i guess it's every time someone says here to me- do something nice for yourself- i think of some old ratty beat up gladiator in a big big battle - (and takin a beating & lookin like death warmed up) all slashed & tattered - and i can't think of anything that will "help" or "fix anything" - other than some how thinking what got you fighting in the first place might still hold water. that gut thing- the little "value" or reason. that stupid little voice that said - don't hand it over without a fight.
i admit- it might be fading - idk if you can actually kill love dead - maybe ya can. if i have it still- it's not lookin the same to me rite now. anyway- i guess i'm thinking maybe it takes many forms and it might be worth re-inspecting & questioning my own values & objectivity & "rightness" about everything i've always thought & felt & assumed )
i like/hate this about me- willingness to consider my own values & judgements)
(that is what makes me sane i think (- or insane...)
i HAD TO COME BACK UP from the bottom down there- what i actually came here to say was - when this allll began- ALLLLLLL THAT TIME AGO - MY initial responses to the absolute stomach-turning - disgust & horror of confronting the treason - was ( no kidding- not a word of it a lie) "SO WHATTYA GONNA DO- LAY DOWN & DIE AND HAND OVER YOUR ENTIRE LIFE TO SOMEONE ELSE????? ARE YA JUST GONNA TIE IT UP WITH A BOW AND MAKE IT SOOOOOO EASY for someone to walk up & into your life AND TAKE IT???? some stupid ow? ARE YA?????
ME REPLYING -" HELL NO.....F her & f him, i am not just wimpering away and laying down & dying. ..... why the heck should i "get lost" from my life, why the heck should i go sleep at someone's house and lose a nite sleep somewhere else????? why the heck would i GO without a fight out of something that's been my LIFE for 36 years????? IT'S MY LIFE TOO -"
i have no idea why it seems to matter now- alllll this time later or if it still applies - maybe it does????
I get totally your "fu" factor. i've got it too. who knows- maybe that's the "detach" they keep telling us to get and we're just crude , inarticulate women - and then it comes out as "fu" man. cutting out allllll those "middlemen" words - cut rite to the chase.
idk dawn- i've been mulling over our conversation too. when i admit (defeat?) by the insanity factor - or that ever "understanding" h's brain is totally beyond my reach due to it (insanity) - it doesn't actually help anything.
I AM really able to see him/it as "insanity" of some sort - and let go the trying to fix it somehow. i don't think i have any real expectations of him "changing" back miraculously. I guess i'm sort of where you've gotten to of figuring out that this new person is just someone i do not know. ( and AM NOT SO SURE IF I WANT to know all the way - or have an R with.)
it's the HUGE PROBLEM WITH INSANITY - IMHO- once you don't get to apply logic & reason (which one DOES NOT) - there is just no real way to know what you're dealing with & if it ever recedes? and then, of course, if it ever comes back.
it just becomes part of the insanee's being- and we who know about it- are stuck always wondering which part is which . what the heck ya do with that knowledge - idk. (my couple bouts with serious insanity in friend & sis).
since he's not in my face all the time- i guess i have time to figure it out - EXCEPT IT'S stressing up my life alot i think and i keep thinking life is short- is this how you want to spend time. answer being currently - - - i'm doing EXACTLY what i'd be doing if i were free - really - EXCEPT i'd be worrying about something entirely differnt= how the heck to pay my bills & find my way into a new life & maybe a new R.
honestly- even as crippled as this R is, to me still it's some sort of (either) rock or security blanket. idk- icky to admit about self- but hey- can't i blame it on my dad dying too young? or something like that, you know, really OFFICIAL????????
some how he'll have to show me things in this person that are worthwhile, etc. some how (for some reason) he keeps bothering to come around me- idk why really.
(THAT ALL still doesn't cut whatever little thread he & I seem to be bound by (well, cut it all the way, & yet).)
i still end up being in a place that is not all "at peace" . Reaching the end of my particular rope with the understanding, analysing , "trying" aspect of this R - there's still something of the old "attachment" to the old person that is hanging me up. I'M EVEN WILLING to admit that the attachment might just be my brain hanging on to my OLD FAVORITE ADDICTION OF "being in love" and "feeling loved & crucial to someone's life". how the heck a gal figures out if that is REAL OR NOT- that's the snaggle. Look at them- nuts. look at me - maybe my own version of "nuts" too.
rite? HOWEVER- THE WHOLE notion of love and romance forever , which i'm kind of a fan of - is probably an unsustainable state of being (in general- in life- in reality). I don't like particularly, being forced to examine this part of my own "reality" - and find it (maybe) unrealistic.
As i say this- and even think 62 and just reaching a place of "end of innocence" - i'm thinking - holy cow & cripes..... were ya EVER going to wake up and grow up? i'm still not sure if this has to be true. i see long long r all around me with my friends- they manage to stay attached. there's SOMETHING binding them - and it's important to them & their lives. it is possible (it would seem).
because i do not have kids - of course i always think it's that- the thing that holds ya. of course also- it's probably not true and tons of people with kids are in this forum experienceing the same darn junk.
OKAY- i'm all twirled into a hole - so i'd better go find something to wear to work and get lost.
see what happens when i think/talk???? have a great day & hope it's okay. go walk- it's all i have- burn it off - volunteer or something to get you out of house and around people so you spend 9 or 10 hours out and TOTALLY NOT THINKING aoubt it all AT ALL. NO KIDDING - YOU NEED a mental vacation- more than just a couple days- the working thing makes it not exist while i'm away & busy- seriously.
yeah- i know, i HATE PEOPLE WHO SAY Do this or do that- just a kindly suggeston of what's helpign me ALOT rite now....
