He woke up with a left foot and was in a bad mood. Kids played around a lot and we were all going to Walmart to get more furniture for the baby. I decided that as my part of DBing I was going to go grocery shopping some place else instead and would meet up with them later. H said: we will wait for you to get back then.
Hum.
I bought Disneyland tickets to SS11 for his bday tomorrow and also stuff to make a yummy Oreo cake. SS11 had some rough patches for a couple of years and I just hate that he thinks this is his fault.
Anyway, H went to get the furniture by himself while S1 napped and I hung out with SS11. He came back in a much better mood and I strongly believe it is because I'm taking all this time and effort with SS11.
He kept making jokes, starting conversations, just being around.
We started talking about our marriage counselor and how much she made (she charges $175 - our insurance pays) and H said, "I think I can do something like that, for a living. I'm pretty good at reading people"
Huh?
I looked at him like he had three eyes and said, "therapists have to go through a lot of counseling to work on their own crap too"
H: you think I'm effed up, huh?
Me: pretty much
We talked about how my friend who is very good at what he does charges $300 + an hour and how she lives in a mention and has a house in the Caribbean where she lives for a few months out of the year.
H: does her husband go with her?
Me: no, they are separated
H: why?
Me: she seems to be going through a midlife crises. She has a much younger boyfriend in the islands and wants to quit everything
(Hint hint)
H: and she is your FRIEND?
See, this is the judgemental H that I know. If I even made friends with someone who was not acting very morally, he would have a problem with it.
I looked at him like he had five eyes this time and said, "you are in no position to judge anybody."
My neighbor sent a text wondering if I wanted to come over and I excused myself to go over there (part of my DBing). We usually just chat and I took my time just hanging out. When I got back, H was like, "what do you do there? What do you guys talk about?"
Venting: it's really hard to coexist with H when he is such a stranger. It has come to the point that when we are both passing through the hallway, he almost jumps as not to touch me even by accident. This is just ridiculous. He does everything in his power to maintain a distance and appear short in his answers to me. He is closed up to a unnatural level. It's as if I'm poisonous and showing any sign of closeness brings him back to his reality and he goes the opposite way.
The rest of the day was uneventful. Because I am refraining from talking about the R and also from making any comments about us or asking any questions pertaining us, I have a better chance to OBSERVE him. I highly recommend.
When I just observe him, I feel more detached. SS11 and I laugh at shows on TV and apps we download. Meanwhile H is sulking in his cranky planet. He is such an unhappy and complicated person, I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.
When talking about the baby, who will arrive in three weeks, he keeps saying he is scared, so scared. He says the stress of it is consuming him.
Surprisingly I am not. I was with S1. I was very much falling apart and anxious with everything. S1 went to NICU. It was very stressful.
I'm ready for this baby. I'm excited about him, besides everything.
I wonder if H will get out of the fog once he realizes it's not so scary to have another little guy.
Btw, while bathing S1, I mentioned I was excited to have my entire family (mom, dad, brother) from Brazil coming here for the baby. My cousin and his wife will also drive down from another town. I asked H how he felt about it and he said he feels like an outsider. I reminded him that my family has always been open to him, even after all that has happened.
Another comment he made today that was weird was when we were talking about baby middle names and he said not to use any of his family's names because he doesn't want to have anything to do with them. His family knows what he has done and they don't even call him; they are so disappointed. It's a strange dynamic.
I would really agree with you about when you observe him more you detach better. That seems to have been they way for me as well. Since you can do nothing but really observe them.
It is strange how he is right now, but he is in a very weird, guilty, emotional place and he may have never learned how to deal with that stuff, those feelings.
I am so glad you are doing better, you sound better. It may take him QUITE A WHILE to get back to a better place, so you may have to have a LOT of patience, if you can wait.
I'm glad your family is coming that will be a nice break for you to have happier people around who support you.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Just did a little test on H. Today is SS11's bday and H has been complaining all week that our counseling appointment (that he scheduled) is today, which will keep them from doing something fun.
I kept saying, "reschedule or cancel it" and he did neither.
So this morning I was asking the their plans for today and he said again, "well, I wish we didn't have counseling, because then we could plan something fun" and I said, "ok, let me cancel the appointment" and he said, "no, no, no, now it's too late. Don't cancel."
I asked H how he felt about it and he said he feels like an outsider. I reminded him that my family has always been open to him, even after all that has happened.
-SIGH- Sometimes it's so frustrating to me that as much as we talk about validation around here, and as much as MWD discusses it in DR, people continue to do the exact opposite! Your H shared his FEELINGS with you, and you NEGATED his feelings! You told him his feelings are WRONG!! You have to understand, his feelings whether good or bad are REAL to him and you need to acknowledge them through validation. A validating response would be something like "I didn't know that makes you feel like an outsider, that must be very difficult for you, how does that make you feel, are you frustrated? Angry?" The idea is to get him to discuss his feelings with you. Validation is not agreeing/ disagreeing/ explaining/ reasoning/ negotiating, it is simply acknowledging.
