Should I confront or not?

[Ambivalent]

Hi Peace,

I have read a bit. I believe while he is in the anger stage, it may be best to take it slowly. Boundaries should be set, but right now try to be a bit flexible.

He has to make you the villain, so in his mind leaving is justified. If you are NOT acting like one, it makes it more difficult for him to leave. This does not mean you are a doormat.

If he thinks it is okay to come over every eve. and spend time with them 'til they go to sleep, have somewhere you can go! If he wants to be the "fun" guy, allow him the responsibility as well. Is he going to do baths and homework with them? Is he going to read bedtime stories?

Going somewhere is a good way for you to go dim. You don't need to tell him where, but make it something or somewhere you will enjoy! Let him be alone with the kids for awhile, so he can answer their questions. Also, it will give him space. Decide on which nights he may come over, and whether or not you want to cook for him is YOUR decision.

Perhaps your goals could be :

Have civil conversations

Do not engage in any arguments

Always look awesome

Slap a happy smile on and keep it light


This can go a long way towards calming the beast inside.

Has Cadet sent you the list yet?

Are you in control of your emotions and behaviors?

Presently, you seem to have time. Use it wisely. Right now having a " clandestine " affair adds to his excitement, and admitting it to you would burst the bubble of fun.

I would not confront in a hostile way, just matter of fact, with a clear message that it isn't okay with you. Then I would step back, and let him deal with some decisions he has to make.

GAL, FAST! Start working on yourself, exercise, eat healthy and try to get some sleep. If you can't sleep, read everything you can get your paws on!

He hasn't filed, which means YOU have time. If he leaves, he is going to have to deal with the consequences of this.

Don't facilitate the relationships between the children and your H. Don't come between them either. Put you and them first, and stick to the reasonable boundaries you set.

He may try and bully , guilt, and shame you. EXPECT this and be prepared emotionally and perhaps with a few pat lines in your arsenal...

" I'm sorry you feel that way..."

" Perhaps another time, after we've cooled off..."

" I will not engage with you if your voice is raised/use that language/ do not respect my boundaries..."

This way you will be equipped to stand, and you can diffuse any ugliness which may paint you as someone to leave!

Make sure you validate him when he spews, and take notes! If he spews, ask him if there is anything else he wants to share about the marriage from his perspective. It's okay to say you are sorry he feels the way he does. Thank him for finally telling you, for without knowing how he feels you cannot learn from past experiences. This can and may help you, so reeeeeally listen to what he says! Don't argue or try to convince him of anything .

He will NOT hear you. He will notice if you cry, yell, walk away, but he will hear nothing you say right now. He is in an angry place and the sooner he gets it out and as often as he can get it out, the sooner you two can get to a civil place!

Thank him when he does something nice, this show appreciation. Appreciation, is no. 1 on most husbands lists!

Good luck and you can do this...