The second to last sentence that you wrote is what gives me hope for you. Without acknowledging a need to change, one can expect zero growth. You can see that you need to change, you just have a tough time landing on what that change should be, and how to achieve it.
Learning how to be more empathetic will help you keep your conflicts with your wife (and any others) low because you will refrain from speaking to them in a way that is likely to hurt them. Additionally, you will see your own actions in a different light. I wish I had more time right nowto go through this, perhaps later.
I see you again list your wife's faults and mistakes. I, for one, am certainly not suggesting that your wife is without blame in your situation. However, you, not your wife, is posting here, so we can only focus on what changes YOU can make. Additionally, her actions were not formed in a vacuum. There are systems in place here. You do something, she reacts. You, then, react to her reaction, making things worse. In turn, she reacts in an even less productive manner, and on and on we go. At some point, one of you (and you're the one here) must grow up and stop the cycle of unhealthy interaction. You are both in such conflict- each demanding that their needs be met before they will meet the others. At some point, one of you (you) must agree to meet the others needs without the promise that their (your) needs will be met in return. Stop the finger pointing and try something different!!
I continue to recommend the empathy exercise for you. I think the perspective you gain will be relationship altering.
