Learning to detach

[Whiterose]

Thank you wbw.......the emotions and things our children hear can never be undone. No matter how hard we try to shield them they know. Good luck to S17 this weekend.....what does he race?

Why does he want my attention Snodderly? He wants nothing to do with me and I don't bother him. I told him I'm giving him the divorce that he was right it's the best idea. I don't think this is dragging out, is it?, it's been 6 months. I know two other couples going through a divorce and each of them determine their situation will take at least another year and they started before us. I don't understand where he got it into his head that this should be done now?? I've sent my lawyer a long email with the texts/email about the mortgage and the school. We'll see what she says. Thank you for your support Snodderly, I depend on it more than you know.

Thank you Wonka. I was talking and in the back of my mind I could hear myself saying you need to agree and validate and the other voice said NO WAY HE'S SCREWING YOUR KIDS I doubt he heard or even cares about anything I said. I guess I hoped I could reach him on a heart level but he has no heart right now so it's a mute point.

I've borrowed some money from a friend to make this payment, as it's due ASAP, and will find more ways to make more money for the next ones. I guess that means I'm outta the house even more!

You know what really burns me. HOW DARE HE comment that I'm having too much fun and never home. Really?!?!!!? Where are you H????? Do I ask you to stop having fun and work to provide for your children? Do I say you're never here or with your boys so you're screwing up big time with your kids? NERVE!!!!!!

[job]

WH,
They are children in adult bodies. Like children, they want mom or dad's attention, whether it's good or bad. They want your attention because they need to sense that you are still out there within reach if they should fall. They don't want us, but they don't want us to move forward and possibly meet someone else.

A lot of the times, they want to make sure we know that they are still there even though they do not have contact w/us. It's a strange dynamic, but no matter what, they have to remind us that they are still there. They are miserable human beings who are hurting to the core of their souls and yet, they lash out at the one's closet to them...us. They want us to be right where they left us pre-crisis and they can sense when we are detaching and moving forward.

I'm glad you've been able to borrow some money to pay your mortgage. I can imagine just how on fire you are about his comments about having the time of your life and never home....don't allow it to make you a bitter person. He's projecting once again and, of course, you are the target to get those little projection darts. He knows how to push your buttons w/o really trying. Find a way to release that anger and soon. If you don't, it will affect your health and your boys will sense it.

Hang in there!

[Whiterose]

Thank you so much Snodderly. I value your comments greatly!

I sobbed it out with a girlfriend of mine....she came here instead of me going out lol. It was good to have her here and she's always so carefree with the boys she puts them at ease.

I forwarded all the info as well as the supporting texts and emails to my lawyer. I also paraphrased my conversation with H so that I had it in writing for her although I'm sure it's hearsay.

H messaged S18 this AM. Asking if he and his brother were still going to thanksgiving. He said he was that S14 probably wasn't. H asked why? (Insert the biggest eye roll here)

S18 said that he was really angry at H and that he wants nothing to do with him right now. S18 said he has had more opportunity to accept it.

H said I don't know how to explain it to him.

I asked s18 if he really did accept it and he made comments to me about going to court and just having the both of them tell the judge H is an ass and that he really wants nothing to do with him but he is his dad. I said then tell your dad you're mad. He thinks you're fine and you're obviously not. I said you need to make him understand that even though you're talking to him you don't approve of his actions. It'll be more for you then him.

S18's response to H about not being able to explain it to S14 was
Not my job to tell you how to explain it to S14 you're his dad and should figure it out. I'm upset too but don't want Aunty to yell at me again. I'm fn pissed off at what you're doing too.

H responded. I didn't ask you to tell me how to talk to S14 and please don't swear at me.

S18 told me and I asked him not to talk to his dad for at least 12 hours. Is said you end to cool down and he needs to think about what you've said. Just leave it. H called his cell and he didn't answer then called the house phone. I said do you want to answer it and he said he didn't know. I said if you don't know do nothing and leave it for now.

H called S18 cell again and left a message
He sounded very contrite (S18 played it for me)
Hi s18 it's me
I knew you were struggling but didn't realize you were this angry at me. I thought you'd work through it or something but obviously not. Obviously you needed to do that give me a call when you have a few minutes if you want to talk about it. Luv ya buddy.

I told S18 it was good that his dad was finally understanding but to still give it until tomorrow to talk to him just so that everything calms down. S18 then went to work. S14 came home and I saw that H had called his cell twice but both call were ignored and then an hour later H called the house phone and I did not pick up. Let him sit in his leaking truck or cot on the floor and REALLY feel what he is doing to his boys. I pray he takes this 24 hours to reflect on what his children need.......I know it's a pipe dream but it's the feast day of St Francis of Assisi (my church parish) and I'm praying for the littlest of miracles today.

Working all weekend again. Work is good though. A blessing!

[RosaLinda]

Hi Rose, just catching up and I am so so sorry to see the financial mess your H has left you in. I agree with Snodderly, these MLCers are just like kids, and want everything NOW! Never mind that a divorce is a long, drawn out, expensive proposition, H decided he wants one, being divorced is will give him some kind of closure or relief or something, so he should have it immediately.

I'm glad you were able to get the money together to pay the mortgage, and forwarded those emails and all to your lawyer. Foreclosure is a scary proposition. Can you maybe get a loan modification?

"I was talking and in the back of my mind I could hear myself saying you need to agree and validate and the other voice said NO WAY HE'S SCREWING YOUR KIDS I doubt he heard or even cares about anything I said. I guess I hoped I could reach him on a heart level but he has no heart right now so it's a mute point."

You're right Rose, about needing to validate (NOT necessarily agree) when your H talks. I'm not sure when your H's MLC started (I see that you just got the dreaded bomb in April) but think I remember you saying you were having troubles last winter and that you discussed divorce at that time? (Was that someone else?) Anyway, my point is that MLC is as long and drawn out as divorce and it looks like it hasn't even been going on for a year yet.

I'm no vet, but if my H's MLC journey is anything to judge by, (4 years and 2 months so far but who's counting ) your H will change his mind about many things, including divorce, his feelings for you, the boys, where he wants to live, multiple times, making your head spin.

It is hard to validate stupidity, especially when it is hurting your kids, but I think from what I've learned, that is the point of validation. You are not agreeing with what H says, and are also not making him feel stupid for what he is saying, even if that is how YOU feel. You are merely letting H know that you hear what he is saying, and understand. I am like a deer in the headlights when my H comes up with some off the wall statement (and you know he does that a lot ) so I mostly stick to "I'm sorry you feel like that" and "I can understand why you feel like that" rather than the "WTF" that I want to say!

I will join in your prayer for a miracle today, Rose. Right now. It's not a pipe dream, all things are possible with God, even having our crazy Hs and marriages turn around.

[willbwell]

rose, I too am sending prayers your way!

[job]

WR,
How are you and the boys doing? I know you have had some rough days and wanted to check to see if you are okay.

[Whiterose]

Hi Rosa.

I'm not in a mental place to validate him currently, if I'm being honest, I cannot respect any man that would do this to his children. Maybe, it makes me just as a bad, but I'm way too tired working and talking care of my boys to care about what he thinks about me. If he do talk again, which is highly doubtful, I'll try validating but I've got nothin left in me for him.

Snodderly, thank you for checking in. S14 messaged H, at my request, to say he wasn't going to thanksgiving. We've planned to do something else. H served me with some more paperwork to move divorce proceeding along and now S18 is thinking he may not go to thanksgiving now either. I talked to my lawyer and she told me about he papers but did say nothing would go before a judge until at least he new year. She said these things take time and I said someone needs to explain that to H because He's lost it. He did file, with the Supreme Court a change to our status so that I can't borrow money against the house which is actually better for me as he can't borrow money against the house, which he would do.

It amazes me has money for his lawyer and to register paperwork with the courts but money for his kids he has nothing.

I gratefully accept all your prayers Rosa and wbw

[Whiterose]

Not much new on the front. I've met with the accountant and meet with the lawyer next Wednesday to try the financials again. I've been told when I go they have to serve me with my action papers as H has filed them to move forward with the divorce even though nothing can be legally complete for another 6 months. I realize that during our "you bounced the mortgage conversation" he made a comment to the affect that I needed to stop having so much fun and "take this seriously" I'm guessing that he wants to "show" me how serious he is......

H called S18 yesterday to go down to his work to pick up some extra pumpkins they have, from displays, for the house.......random. We now have three large pumpkins waiting for carving and Halloween. It's a little funny I think.

[Whiterose]

S18 just called me. SIL called him to tell him H us in hospital getting his gallbladder out.......do I do anything?

[makingmagic]

hi WR...not sure if this is the answer you are looking for, but here is my .02:

Since he made the choice to no longer have YOU in his life, then why should he get YOU? (this is what I am working on in my life/R with h)...its hard and goes against my good nature ...but, THEY chose this NOT US!!.... am I right?

Dying to hear what the vets say!!

Good luck.