Thank you my forum friends!

[TSquared2]

I think the detaching doesn't mean you can't have those feelings, but rather that you aren't dependent on them being reciprocated. That as H fluctuates (and he WILL), that you are not upset (too much)...that your day, demeanor, is minimally affected.

In case you haven't read it, here is my favorite and most clear (to me) meaning of this detachment business:

Question: What is the meaning of detachment?

Answer: The Buddhist meaning of detachment is slightly different from what the word normally means in English. Detachment in Buddhism is connected with renunciation. The word renunciation in English is also misleading, for it implies that we have to give up everything and go live in a cave. Although there are examples of people like Milarepa who did give up everything and live in a cave, what they did is referred to by a different word, not the word that is translated as “renunciation” or “detachment”. The word that has been translated as “renunciation” actually means “the determination to be free”. We have a strong determination: “I must get out of my own problems and difficulties. My mind is totally firm on that goal.” We want to give up our ego games because we are determined to be free from all the problems they cause. This does not mean that we have to give up a comfortable house or the things that we enjoy. Rather, we are trying to stop the problems that we have in relation to these objects. That leads us to detachment.

Being detached does not mean that we cannot enjoy anything or enjoy being with anyone. Rather, it refers to the fact that clinging very strongly to anything or anyone causes us problems. We become dependent on that object or person and think, “If I lose it or cannot always have it, I am going to be miserable.” Detachment means, “If I get the food I like, very nice. If I do not get it, okay. It is not the end of the world.” There is no attachment or clinging to it.

For me, those deep feelings of care and love for W are there still, cached away safely until it is safe for them to be expressed. I have been allowing myself, in very small, incremental doses, to open up to being vulnerable. small, safe, doses, lol. If I feel my equanimity being rippled, I dial back a wee bit until I have my expectations back in check. And I have noticed that expectations are still the pain bringer. And it is hard at this "acceptance"/"reconnection" phase because they are not stable enough, comfortable enough in themselves, much less the R, to even begin to approach consistency. So it is our job to manage ourselves, our expectations and be the leader in consistency...while they lead the reconnection dance. Imo.

Hang in there! I am watching as maybe W and I are somewhere around this neck of the woods in the process, but it can be tricky to tell since she never physically left the home, no clear cut "sign" like wanting to move back in, or date, etc.