Okay, I'm getting closer... and thanking Triple J and PIB for help here.
Mr. Wonderful's purported LL is Acts of Service--but I'm clearly rethinking this one. I really am thinking he gives in Acts of Service but receives in Words of Affirmation.
Matters none, because I believe he would notice the difference between a pack of gum, a real present and a kick in the butt.
Before I go on, I feel I need to vent for a minute.
My birthday is 8 weeks from now, so PIBs suggestion is not bad. But I have to tell you about this miserable day, last year, from my POV.
I was driving back from MT (taking the girls to see their grandparents and relatives on HIS side of the family--it was an unmitigated disaster) on my day. D6 had not taken the trip well and was very out of sorts. I called Mr. W. from my cell at about Cheyenne and asked him if he would mind coming over for a few hours so I could take a nap. He said yes.
I went to bed, exhausted both mentally, physically and emotionally. I know I cried myself to sleep. When I woke up, he asked me if it was okay if he left and I said yes.
The next morning, he called me at work and apologized for not expressing the HAPPY BIRTHDAY thoughts. I HAD noticed, and the thought back then was pretty dismal. He said he had lost sleep over the fact that he had spaced it out (though a couple months later he admitted to deliberately holding back on his birthday wishes).
I know I registered on the BB a couple days afterward (I figured it was time to come learn from all of you what it appeared I was not getting on my own).
If I make a reference to celebrating mine (which I would dearly LOVE to do), I think it might come across as resentful. I guess I haven't quite closed that wound either. However, the nice shark admits that she doesn't want her H to absorb any further guilt from the past.
What about suggesting we head out to dinner on Monday night instead to celebrate? And maybe skipping the SAD clock and opting for a smallish gift certificate for a golf shop? With a funny card, of course.
PIB, did you get any good advice from others regarding your dilemma of late? I'm thinking that anything anyone posts to you would be of service to me too, so I'll head up there to see for myself.
Thanks, folks!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: God, I wish he would make the decision to make this M work. Sitting here waiting for the shoe to drop either way is no fun anymore. Which is why I've resorted to fantasizing about methods in which I could have him served.
No, it is not fun anymore... I may have to take up your new sport myself... let me know if you think of any other fun ways of passing the time.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I don't suggest this sort of pasttime as one you should pick up. It's pretty negative and doesn't foster good PMA.
Just reading the other posts here today hasn't helped. I have come to the conclusion that there are lots of folks on the BB today who are feeling agitated, neglected, forlorn and despairing. I wish I could tell you I feel differently.
I don't.
I left a VM for Mr. W. a few hours ago regarding his birthday. I put on my smiley face and suggested that since he's bowling on his actual birthday, maybe we could all go out on Monday night--my treat?
He just called back to talk about the golf tournament. When we finished that discussion I asked about dinner since I will be out of town this weekend? He seemed sort of irritated.
Note: I will not ASSume he was irritated with me.
He then sighed and said, "Yeah, I got your message. I hope you don't want to go out on Wednesday night because Gary is taking me out for my birthday."
I know I mentioned Monday in my message, but I refuse to be "right".
I said, "If I forgot to mention Monday, I'm sorry if it seemed evasive. Do you think Monday would work out for you?"
He said, "Monday works. Thanks."
We then discussed dinner for tonight, and I was at least glad I could tell him that dinner is in the crock pot and that all that needs to be done is to boil the chinese noodles and make the hot & sour soup. He seemed to perk up at that (whether it was the dinner menu or the fact that he had nothing much left to do, I don't know).
JJ or Laurie, if you read this, I'm really at a loss on how to work through this.
I read so many people who have to contend with OW/OM, but my H seems to be firmly entrenched with his drinking buddy. I really think Gary should get a girlfriend... he's always trying, and it's pretty sad.
I really don't know how to break through right now? I am pretty sure that I'm my own worst enemy right now. And I'm nearly PMSing, so that isn't helping.
What sort of goals to I need to make to sit this one out and be happy? Because the sad truth is that I'm feeling really down about where I am right now.
HELP
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Don't read my e-mail to you today, for you'll see that I felt some of the same things you've been feeling.
As you know, our sitches are similar in that we're not dealing with a WAS who's off chasing the fantasy of an OP (at least to our knowledge).
Instead, we're both dealing with a WAS who feels a lot of pain from the INSIDE out. When I start feeling really sorry for myself, I try to switch gears and imagine the pain my WAW must be feeling to choose this complex and painful path for her family.
Do you ever do that? I bet you do. And no, it doesn't help to imagine and feel their pain for the pain's sake. But it does help put on own pain in some perspective, I believe.
I know you feel at the end of your rope - and one day, you will be with this sitch, one way or another. I believe you have some time left in your sitch. You'll know when you have to make a decision.
Goals? Try these:
1) Give you H a funny card with a golf shop gift certificate for his B'bay. Positive result - any acknowledgement whatsoever regarding your thoughtfulness.
2) Give H as much space as you possibly can in light of having children together. Postive result - H softens around you, perhaps he initiates more contact in a more friendly manner.
3) Focus on yourself and generating your own happiness OUTSIDE of this sitch and regardless of the outcome of your M. Positive result - you become more and more detached, independent and capable of deeper personal happiness, ultimately allowing yourself to be accepting of either the reconciliation or dissolution of your M.
Is all of this easy? Hell no, and I still struggle with it all. But I can see progress as I keep pushing through it, and so will you.
So, tell me - sounds like you'll be celebrating your B-day around the time I pass through Denver - shall I bring a cake ?
Give him the dang SAD clock - remember, it's not a gift for hIM, it's a gift for YOU if it helps his depression!!!
As for the birthday dinner - just plan something FUN (is there a comedy club, mystery dinner theater, anything entertaining like that available? Way better than sitting around trying not to talk about the elephants in the room).
For some reason I didn't get my e-mails until now. I have no idea what that's all about, since I have access at work. Weird.
One thing to comment here is that it seems like there are a lot of down people on the board today.
Hud, I'll answer yours either tonight or first thing tomorrow. I appreciate your incredible insight there and here. Thanks for being a friend.
I'm taking notes from your goals. Ellie, thanks for the permission to go ahead and do both. Fortunately, the money is here to do it. We'll probably head to Chili's since it will be all 4 of us, and there will be no elephant taking the seat adjacent to ours. Thanks for your advice.
Uh, yes, let's plan on having some cake when you're here. My day is 2 days after you head home... me and my buddy Houdini share one (note to me: maybe learn some of his escape tactics?).
Ok, so here's how I handled the rest of my evening...
I decided to act AS IF Mr. W. would be happy to see me. So I put on my Bob Barker smile and voice and waltzed through the garage door entrance. D6 was thrilled to see my effervescence, as was D9. Mr. W. stood at the countertop, eyeing me warily.
I beamed broadly at him (and I have a killer smile and great teeth) and he actually backed up! I said very cheerfully, "Hi Mr. Wonderful, how was your day?"
He looked beyond shocked. He managed to muster, "okay."
He stayed longer tonight... wonder if his lingering was attributed to Bob Barker's presence?
AND, before he left, he gave D6 (who was sitting next to me) a smooch and said ILY. He looked at me and nearly said those same words when he caught himself and stammered. His face turned pink and he turned to D9 to tell her that he loved her. I took a sense of sick satisfaction knowing that he was working really hard at not telling me anything (and yes, I can see that this is really an effort for him).
Next positive: I told Mr. W. that D9 and I did Operation Clean Sweep in the files over the weekend. He was shocked. I told him that there was a new file created for 2003 taxes, and that all the 1098s and w-2s were there.
He commented, "Okay, I'll get started on them this weekend when you're away."
I turned to him to look him in the eye and said, "I know that you had a tough time with me during tax season in all the years we've been married. I came across as snotty and unbelieving that you were more than capable of doing them efficiently and in our favor... and I'm sorry for treating you so shabbily."
He merely grunted and said, "It's okay."
I stated more firmly, "Mr. W., it's really not okay. I know I hurt you by insinuating that you didn't have the intelligence to do things. I was just upset that we always had to pay more in April when everyone else I knew was getting refunds. I was mad at the system, but I want you to know that I appreciate how much time it takes for you to work through them."
He looked at me as if I had a spaceship hovering above me.
One last thought: I'm ready to try a small dose of the jealousy thing... because I had a moment of brilliance at the gym.
Two years ago, when I joined the gym, there was a contest. It's a female only gym... and the prize was a valentine mug that says "I LOVE YOU, YOU'RE MINE". I set it on the countertop and Mr. W. said in sort of an odd, jealous tone, "Where did you get THAT?"
I told him the truth and he looked sort of weird. Of course, OM/EA was newly in the picture for me, and perhaps he was jealous.
So, if I were to make him curious/jealous, I'd need to have male attention without acting on it. How does one go about this in such an artificial method?
I realize that what I was doing when he pursued me was being pursued by other men... but I don't want to be weird about it. Maybe get one of my girlfriends to send me a phony card saying something corny?
God, if this isn't one of my most pathetic posts, I don't know what is! I've stooped to a new low in fabricating male attention... at least the males who aren't gay!
Okay that's enough from me right now. I need to log off and hang out with my girls, who have been really patient tonight.
Hugs to all.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I have been perusing the bb and agree that for the last few days there has been this cloud hanging over everyone...maybe it's the lunar cycle??? But it is definitely there.
Not your imagination.
Feels to me like someone let all the air out of the balloon.
Huds reply was great advise...absolutely dead on!
And I think you are right on target with the goal setting idea!!
Maybe that would help everybody....fresh eyes, fresh approach.
I am wading back in...feel like I am testing the waters with my big toe.......
Trying to tire myself out physically and mentally.....waiting to the point of exhaustion for sleep...so this post is coming in late at night...I think it's around 12:30 am.
I must say you handled your evening like a PRO!!
I can tell because even the girls were impressed with your energy..I got a hoot out of Mr. W's quizzical look....You had him totally off kilter!! Ha!
and the ILY goof!!....priceless
You must just give yourself a hug for handling that so WELL... Now of course he stuck around longer!!!...He LOVES being around you...
He just won't admit it ....what a schmuck!! (Him not you!)
I also want you to know that the way you handled yourself and what you said to him about the taxes WAS FANTASTIC...you earn extra brownie points for that!! Wow, I was really impressed...did you practice that or just say it?! Just brilliant.....
He had to be reeling from all that validation and praise...and appreciation....heheheh!!
I think you are right about the male attention, it seems superficial and fabricated. I would steer clear of this. Just do like HUD suggested and focus on you.
Mr. W's antenna goes up about OM and you know it's not in a good way. He feels totally threatened and then makes negative assumptions and probably even goes in to reaction mode when he even perceives something ...It's called reaction formation....He can do it all on his own with no provacation. Just some silly thought that creeps into his head and he has a whole scenario going and none of it is true...but YOU would have to convince HIM of that!!...A whole set of non-realistic thoughts...Which YOU are then given to overcome. That puts you in too awkward of a position...don't you think??
IMHO....
Your post was not pathetic at all!!....It was honest and heart felt and very sincere. I found it to be a good reflection of YOU!!
Yes, I should have stuck around long enough last night to read this, it would have been easier to keep my whole shark self on the fish sobriety wagon. FYI - if you haven't read my thread yet, I am STILL fish sober.
Quote: So, if I were to make him curious/jealous, I'd need to have male attention without acting on it. How does one go about this in such an artificial method? I realize that what I was doing when he pursued me was being pursued by other men... but I don't want to be weird about it. Maybe get one of my girlfriends to send me a phony card saying something corny?
Can I be the girlfriend who sends the card? Can I send the lost dog card? Just kidding...
What I would do is maybe buy a cheap bunch of flowers from the grocery store and put them on display somewhere. If Mr. W asks where you got them, deflect the question with "aren't they so pretty? What a pleasant surprise! I just love how they brighten the room" or something equally Bob-ish. You aren't being truly deceitful...just letting him draw his own conclusions. If he gets truly agitated and you want to come clean you can do it without ever having told a falsehood! “Uh, Mr. W…haven’t you just walked into the supermarket and been surprised that the flowers look so fresh? I thought they would brighten the house” still all Bob-like. I tell you; it worked wonders with my hockey game last weekend!
YOU could never be pathetic! And how dare you call yourself so when I was online last night just as pissed as you please about the most mediocre stuff in the world!
Here’s to getting the PMA where it belongs…
GO YOU!!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
