Don't read my e-mail to you today, for you'll see that I felt some of the same things you've been feeling.
As you know, our sitches are similar in that we're not dealing with a WAS who's off chasing the fantasy of an OP (at least to our knowledge).
Instead, we're both dealing with a WAS who feels a lot of pain from the INSIDE out. When I start feeling really sorry for myself, I try to switch gears and imagine the pain my WAW must be feeling to choose this complex and painful path for her family.
Do you ever do that? I bet you do. And no, it doesn't help to imagine and feel their pain for the pain's sake. But it does help put on own pain in some perspective, I believe.
I know you feel at the end of your rope - and one day, you will be with this sitch, one way or another. I believe you have some time left in your sitch. You'll know when you have to make a decision.
Goals? Try these:
1) Give you H a funny card with a golf shop gift certificate for his B'bay. Positive result - any acknowledgement whatsoever regarding your thoughtfulness.
2) Give H as much space as you possibly can in light of having children together. Postive result - H softens around you, perhaps he initiates more contact in a more friendly manner.
3) Focus on yourself and generating your own happiness OUTSIDE of this sitch and regardless of the outcome of your M. Positive result - you become more and more detached, independent and capable of deeper personal happiness, ultimately allowing yourself to be accepting of either the reconciliation or dissolution of your M.
Is all of this easy? Hell no, and I still struggle with it all. But I can see progress as I keep pushing through it, and so will you.
So, tell me - sounds like you'll be celebrating your B-day around the time I pass through Denver - shall I bring a cake ?
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