Day By Day

[AJM]

All the girls in the family were born on the same day
Seriously though: You were all born on the same day? That's crazy cool.

Sorry to hear your mom is still declining. But then again, I'm glad you get more time with her even if she may be sleeping through much of it.

As for the other? I hear ya brother. And sometimes it [censored] to be right, doesn't it? But you are correct that your boys will do what they are going to do. No sense in wondering why she doesn't get it. If she did, this would have been a different conversation altogether, right?

You're still my brother of another mother in all of this Tad. I get similar stuff. I just had a head start and don't wonder why any longer. I don't marvel at the goofiness or the accusations or the rest. I just file the email away for a rainy day - i.e. a day when I am called to account for it because I may need it for a judge. Otherwise, I can't be bothered with any more than to read the BS and then file it away neatly. Too much time wasted agnozing, wondering, etc in the past. But rest assured Tad, I get the same as you do if not more. I've been accused, belittled, berated, and at times, amused all year by my ex. Seems we can't go more than 6 weeks without hearing from her. I do not engage in the conversations. It really makes things easier, but there are still things she does with the kids that are irksome. Similar to your scenario.

Don't engage in the emotional vomit, Tad. Takes a little practice, but you'll get there. Let her figure things out on her own. She'll tell herself and others, especially you, whatever it takes to make herself feel better about herself. One day she'll sing your praises to others, and it'll blow you away. Seen that happen too many times to count....

Spend the time with your mom. It's important and you don't need the other distractions. They don't deserve your time and effort.

Peace,
AJ

[tadpole1025]

Seriously though: You were all born on the same day? That's crazy cool.

Haha. Yes AJ, we all have the same birthday. S20 missed it by three days. He was born on the 28th.

Snodderly, did you change your name?

I'm VERY down today. I lost my job this week because of all the time needed with mom.

I've been driving my mom's car because I don't have one.

I have no money saved and I've got about $3.00 in my checking account. Yes, only two zeroes.

My anxiety has been worse the last few days.

My mom is dying.

I'm really worried about having money to buy Thanksgiving dinner for my boys.

I see my life going absolutely nowhere fast.

Had to vent. Sorry.

Tad

[uRworthy]

Snodderly, did change her name.

I am so sorry about your Mom. I lost both my parents to cancer. It is so difficult. You are so blessed to have this time with her. And to have been able to tell her everything you may have wanted to and to be there for her.

I am also sorry about your job. I know how difficult it is to struggle so much financially.

I have a lot of tough things I struggle with. I try really hard to look at the good things in my life.

And you have many, Tad. You have your sons and your health. And I am sure you can think of others.

I wrote on my thread how I feel when I start to feel as if things are tough. You have to make a decision to dig in a bit more, Tad. It's really all you can do.

Sometimes when things get as bad as they can, it is a catalyst for change.

Do you take anything for your anxiety? I am not saying that is for everyone or the answer for it. But, it can help you get over the bad spots for awhile.

Do you have people you can talk to? That is so important.

Hang in there, Tad. You will get through this.


[/quote]

[tadpole1025]

Thanks for the response. A lot of people on here don't respond to me anymore because most of the ones who followed my sitch from the beginning have quit posting here. There are a few, but most are gone.

I try really hard to look at the good things in my life.

I try to look at things that way as well and although I am thankful for what I do have, it still doesn't help with all that I have lost. Sometimes I feel that I was a contestant on "the wheel of life", bet the max and then lost it all.

You have to make a decision to dig in a bit more, Tad. It's really all you can do.

I've done that too, but still feel like I'm spinning my wheels.

Do you take anything for your anxiety? I am not saying that is for everyone or the answer for it. But, it can help you get over the bad spots for awhile.

I'm not at the moment. I was on anti-depressants for nearly two years, but worked my way off of those.

Do you have people you can talk to? That is so important.

Not really. I don't socialize with my old radio friends much these days, my mom is dying and my only living brother is a drug addict. I've pretty much become a hermit. I've dated a few ladies, but to be honest, I don't think I'm ready or I'm just so emotionally damaged that I'll never be ready. I feel nothing when around them. Sure, I find them attractive, but I feel nothing for them and could care less if I ever see them again when the date is over.

I'm just...

Numb.

I haven't talked to XW in a while and I'm good with that. She brings me nothing but hurt.

Mom continues to decline and it is also wearing me down. S18 told me the other night that I just need some time away. I wish. Boy, do I wish.

Tad

P.S....Was there a reason that Snodderly changed her name? Just curious.

[uRworthy]

I dont know why she changed her name.

I have changed my name, too. I used to post to you, Tad.

I'm thinking you might want to reconsider the meds or at the very least, try to see a therapist. You are in a slide here, sweetie.

I know you have lost a lot and I am so sorry.

The thing is that you can still have an amazing life. Your choice, though.

One day, when you are ready, you will meet someone if you choose.

And you have milestones to reach with your sons.

They are watching you, Tad. It is your job to show them how to navigate through life with strength and courage.

If you would like people to write, you would need to be a bit more active, right?

I'm curious. You seemed to have really loved radio. Is it something you might want to revisit in some capacity?

You should be around people, Tad. Have you checked out Meet-ups in your area? Are there any church groups you can join?
The library or township sometimes have gatherings.

Poke around. Try to do one thing. There are many free things you can do.

Come on, Tad. You gotta pick yourself up. Theres a whole lot of world out there.

Hang in there.

[Portia]

Tad

I lost my parent to cancer six months after BD. It was as much a process and journey as was my xSO's MLC. There was no support from him at all during that time.

Your mom will rest when she is ready. Only she will know when. My parent passed as we were starting to drift off in the early morning hours after being with her the whole day prior. I believe with my whole heart that she felt that peace and felt ready, however unconsciously. It was a heartbreakingly beautiful moment. The windows of the hospice faced the east and the sun had just started to rise. The long dark night was over.

I am also sorry that your workplace could not be more supportive. In that I was lucky. My workplace was excellent. When my other parent went in hospital a few months later, they were supportive again. But you sound resourceful and you are right. You'll find another job but your moms time is finite.

Your future is waiting for you. Look ahead.

[job]

Tad,
uR and Portia have given you much to think about. I'm sorry that your employer didn't work w/you on how best to set up your schedule because of the time you have spent w/your mother. I think I would have to have a meeting with the former supervisor and discuss why you weren't allow to utilize the family leave act in this situation.

I do agree w/Portia that when your mother is ready to cross over she will. She's not there yet and she's still here w/you for a little longer. I know you are spending as much time as you can w/her and she's thankful for the company and support.

Tad, there is a huge world out there and I'm sure when you are able to focus on other things, you will find that there are many doors to open and step thru to find the job that is right for you. For now, God's plan is for you to focus on your mother and be by her side. The old saying, "things happen for a reason", well...I truly believe that.

Hang in there. One day at a time, my friend.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks uR, Portia and Job. (Snodderly)

Ur - I THINK I might know who you are, but not sure. Any hints?

You are in a slide here, sweetie.

Yes I am. I've also noticed that there are still some things that still p!ss me off. I thought that was all behind me.

I'm curious. You seemed to have really loved radio. Is it something you might want to revisit in some capacity?

I would maybe like to work at a rock station. Can't do country anymore just because there are too many memories associated with it. That's just asking for trouble. As for radio in general, people don't realize this, but radio is dying. Everything is computerized now and for the most part, disc jockeys are becoming obsolete. Some companies have one guy "voicetracked" (prerecorded) on 30 or 40 stations across the country. There just really isn't much of a need for disc jockeys because of the advances in technology.

You should be around people, Tad. Have you checked out Meet-ups in your area? Are there any church groups you can join?

I guess I could check into it. I really don't like to talk about me much around people because once they find out what I used to do for a living or "who I was", they treat me differently. I want people to like me for who I AM and not the "person I was on the radio." It's kind of hard to explain, but people (whether they mean to or not) do treat you differently.

Your future is waiting for you. Look ahead.

I'm trying. I really am. I'm just so alone....

Tad, there is a huge world out there and I'm sure when you are able to focus on other things, you will find that there are many doors to open and step thru to find the job that is right for you.

Haven't seen any of those doors yet, but my eyes are peeled. ANY door would be nice right about now.

MOM-

She is about the same. She has a little more energy lately, but a lot more pain.

SITCH-

XW supposedly made a very sad posting on FB the other day. She is in California visiting her family. (Without OM which I find a little odd.) Anyways, her grandmother supposedly called her a "sinner" and it upset XW pretty badly I guess. Funny thing is, her grandmother doesn't even know it all. I found it a little humorous myself.

Still hanging in there...

Tad

[uRworthy]

I'm from Brooklyn. There's your hint. LOL!

If you remember me, you should remember that I tell it like it is.

I know you are dealing with a lot of stuff so I am going to cut you some slack. But not too much.

First of all, why are you looking at her FB? No reason at all for you to be doing that. It doesnt serve you well, right?

Second, you will get rid of the anger when you choose to. You are wearing it like a shield and it is dragging you down.

You are in control of your mindset. You need to let things go.
Because holding onto those feelings of anger and resentment weigh you down and keep you stuck.

Look Tad, this happened. It succks. But she is remarried. It is time for you to move forward already.

And stop making excuses about getting out there.

People may treat you differently initially, but, if you let them get to know the real you, that will stop.

Your choice if you want to continue to live your life like this, Tad. Only yours.

[AJM]

I don't think Tad looked - "supposedly made" seems to indicate otherwise. Family members and friends have a way of trying to tell you things.

Tad, UR and the others are right. You'll drop that anger when you're ready. But you've heard that before. We challenge you because we know you need to keep moving. Finding something different - people, places, etc is a great idea. When you start to feel this way, chaning the routine is helpful. Finding somebody to talk to is important. You really should. Face to face and damn the reasons not to. Somebody to talk to is what is being suggested.

Peace,
AJ