Better to love or be loved?

[willbwell]

weekend went fine. h came over fri eve after s20 got in town. a little strange after being notified about his filing. I left and went for a walk. just acted our usual. Sat eve at race we all went to dinner togather. I still think h looks sad. could just be his eyes were tired from long day and windy conditions. s20 stayed in hotel room with d and me instead of with h. sun morn h, d and I go for breakfast.
I have midterms next week so don't think h will bring up anything about D. I am not going to ask and just focus on my studies.

[willbwell]

Have a question... H gets to talk/see kids whenever convenient for h. he is getting his needs met by ow and seems to be enough for him to text kids. I know he wants no home responsibilties. I for the most part don't call or text. trying to stay focused on classes. h is in city where OW is. know I am supposed to detach and thought-stop. my question is...do I put a stop to this convenience for h and insist on a more regular kid schedule? I've made no demands of h.

[hotwheelsaust]

willbwell, I tried taking my ring off. Wore it for a week around my neck, wore if for a week on my other hand, both didn't feel comfortable. In my sitch, for the benefit of my boys and me, I will continue to wear the ring on the correct finger and hand. My view about why? Same goes with how long do you act like you are married. I feel that my W supposedly had to put up with my behaviours for years, therefore the most I can do is put up with her behaviour until she decides to divorce or reconcile. It's the least I can do for me, my boys and my W. Also boys never saw me without the ring on the finger, not that they probably would have noticed anyway.

[littleGTO]

willbewell,

Glad to hear you are handling the "filing" calmly, "AS IF!"

You are in a good place--focusing on you and your kids.

I am in the same boat as you will H having full access to the boys whenever he wants--cake-eating 101. The answer to your question is up to you...what do YOU want, both now and long term? It is easy to say keep things status quo, but you may need to think about what you want should the D process continue, on paper, anyway.

I am thinking about the exact same thing right now... It is a tough call. ALWAYS put the kids first, right, but what is best for the kids is that you are happy and content in your life too!

[willbwell]

thank you HWA and GTO for the replies. I know we are all in this crappy sit.
I have drafted a letter to h about taking on more time with kids. I presented option of taking on d's medical stuff or s17's school stuff. really don't want to relinquish either, but in all this... not what I want.
wish I could get over this 'cant believe this is happening to me' phase.
on a good note... I bought a groupon for 3 dance lessons! something Ive been wanting to do!

[willbwell]

coming here instead of sending email to h. been bothered all day. know h checked out long ago. know I am supposed to detach. on the one hand, think I will stand. someday h will realize and will be glad I didn't give up. on the other, I am tired of all the bs. I get nothing from h. I get no appreciation for all I do for our children. I am only the hired help. h does not care that I feel overwhelmed. I ask myself why should I want this man. I don't like what he has become.
just one of those crappy days. should go take a walk.

[Pudmuddle]

I hear you willbwell. Some days are much worse feeling than others. I know you have 4 kids and it makes this harder, but try to do things for you, just you.

Remove focus from your H and not align your feelings with his. This is something I am struggling with too. But it feels so much better when you do!

[Pudmuddle]

Oops, 3 kids.

[willbwell]

yes puddle, h is in city where ow is. always makes it worse. he's out la-di da. meanwhile, well you know..kids asking whats for dinner

he's damaged. ow is a train wreck sit.what kind of people have affairs with married men? sad to believe h can be so stupid!

something for me. wish I had more time to read! would love to do a women's empowerment weekend or just a day! I've been looking for something like that.

[littleGTO]

Women's day or weekend sounds GREAT!!! Sorry you had a crappy day...these will come and go. Tomorrow will more likely be better, though!

M people who have affairs, in my opinion, have lost a sense of who they are/were... but have a hard time recognizing what the A is when they are is. It is infatuation, fantasyland "love" and the feelings caused by the chemicals in their bodies messing with their minds.

The sad part is it like a drug...an addiction, if you will. And, it is very difficult to give up. By the time our H's realize what they've gotten themselves into they are so far gone and can't find their way back ( or forward) to their families.

So sad.