W decided to tell the boys we were divorcing while I was out of town for the day. S9 was upset and told her in still l still loved her and wanted her home. That he wanted us together. He went on to say she would not find someone better than me and would probably find someone who drinks, smokes, and does drugs.
They were calm by the time I got home but are both on edge. S6 is acting of for attention. I'm very disappointed in her for doing this without me, and told her so. She insisted that divorce is normal and doesn't mean the world ends. I informed her that the world as Rey know it does. She conceded that was true.
Please pray for us during this time. I'm not giving up.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Mtnman, I'm sorry to hear this also. I really understand how much it hurts.
She is in denial for this part (D is normal). I'm so proud of your little boy telling her the way it is.
I believe my sons were both instrumental in helping my H see how devastating D would be. Lots of tears were shed on both sides.
Mtnman, you will be in my heart every day. You can be strong, I know! And remember last time she said something in this vein she was chatting with you (texting was it?) early the next day.
Be prepared for the difficulty that back-and-forth wears down on your emotions.
Let us know how you are as things progress. I was worried when I hadn't heard much from you lately.
Every day, Mtnman, every day I think of you and hope for the best.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Thanks FY and rH! She has not filed. I plan to give her what she's asked for. A life without me.
S9 broke down at bedtime and asked me why mommy didn't love me anymore. I told him only mommy could answer that. I didn't understand it either but was going to keep praying.
He then went to her and told her he wanted us to hug. She came toward me and said, we can still hug see! I stepped back and said, no we cannot hug anymore S9. He bawled and ran to his room. (I know us hugging would only confuse them. It confuses me) I followed and held him as he heaved. He kept asking why. Kept saying he didn't want another dad. Asked me to never find another mom. Kept repeating, "I thought she just missed grandad." She came in and cried too. But couldn't explain why she wasn't "in" love with me anymore. He is sleeping with me tonight.
I am relieved I don't have to pretend anymore for them. I will be nice but distant and probably cold toward her. I hate to say it but it will take some time for me to forgive her for what she did to my boys today. I hope it eats at her as much as it does them.
Thanks for your words of advice and encouragement. I am considering asking her to not come here everyday like she has been. Knowing I would then not be able to go to her place to see the boys either.
Going to keep fighting. Not giving up!!!!
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Mtnman, IMO you handled this perfectly. For a terrible situation and so much pain to you all four, you were the rock and made the right decision by not hugging her. I also think deciding to limit her visitation, knowing it will limit some of yours, is also right on track.
I'm so sorry this has to be part of the journey. I know she is hurting painfully too, but you have to do what is best for you and the boys.
You're tucked in a special place in my heart today, and your story brings tears to my eyes.
(((((Mtnman)))))
rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
I too am sorry that you've gotten to this point. Know there are others that are going through the same sort of things out there and you're not alone. Our timelines line up almost exactly.
Not sure if you're at this point yet, but have you considered going through a mediator to try to keep things peaceful?
Originally Posted By: Mtnman
S9 broke down at bedtime and asked me why mommy didn't love me anymore. I told him only mommy could answer that. I didn't understand it either but was going to keep praying.
He then went to her and told her he wanted us to hug. She came toward me and said, we can still hug see! I stepped back and said, no we cannot hug anymore S9. He bawled and ran to his room.
I think you handled this well. I've taken a similar approach to relating to my kids over the matter and W thinks I've manipulated them into being against her. That honestly was never my intention and I think it's very important that kids have a good relationship with their mother no matter what. I now find myself defending her actions to the kids b/c I can't stand the thought of them hating her which some have expressed on occasion. I defend her and yet W thinks I have mental issues which she blames for all her problems. I've just come to the conclusion that W wants out no matter what I do. I pray you don't have to deal with this as it gets real messy.
Originally Posted By: Mtnman
Thanks for your words of advice and encouragement. I am considering asking her to not come here everyday like she has been. Knowing I would then not be able to go to her place to see the boys either.
Interesting. I keep thinking that it's good for the kids to see both parents as much as possible no matter what (as long as the visits are not full of conflict) so I've been pretty flexible with this sort of thing. W is pretty strict about the schedule and I hear the kids often complaining about what they call the "stupid schedule." Even with everything W has told me about how I'm such a monster, I basically just ignore it and figure she's on a journey so I can get along with or without her OK.
Originally Posted By: Mtnman
Going to keep fighting. Not giving up!!!!
Please keep posting. I think you're doing great!
ETC
"Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
rH was right. Text first thing this morning asking advice on getting rid of a mouse at my MILs house. Uh, a trap?
S9 was still really down this morning. Couldn't eat breakfast. Didn't want to go to school. W showed up and looked awful. Had not showered. I didn't speak to her at all.
S9 walked up to me before we left, with tears in his eyes, and whispered, "will she ever change her mind?" I told him I prayed that she did. That I was going to do my best to keep our family together, but only God knows if she will. And it may never happen.
On the drive to school I explained to them both that with God and each other, we would get through this. S6 was quiet, S9 said he didn't think he ever would. The sad thing is, he is right. They will likely always have this hurt if our marriage ends.
She is an idiot. That's probably the nicest thing I can say about her right now.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
Honestly, I can't read your sitch any more without weeping, Mtnman. Or think about it without tears coming to my eyes.
I'm so sorry. You are finding a strength you didn't know you had. W is waching you through this too, seeing a man of integrity and love.
You'll get through this. I'm sure W is in intense agony. I watched my H suffer so much.
Your boys are much younger than mine were (mine were ages 19 and 12). They'll get throught this somehow too. I wish I could tell what is on the other side. I can't. I just know you'll be okay no matter what.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
