Since you went away....

[Feenix]

RL,

Couldn't agree more with uR!!!

You are a strong woman with a beautiful heart and spirit.

I've been pretty down here lately, too. Just hang in there.

Please do NOT allow what H thinks or says to dictate who you are. I am battling this SO HARD right now....so I am right there with you on that. We have to find a way to separate our own self-worth from the way our H's treat us.

We have to DETACH for our own health and sanity. So, here's my challenge...you work on loving yourself again...and I'll work on loving myself again...and together we'll encourage each other.

Here's a good quote (not sure who the author is): "Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth."

Just because H doesn't see your worth, doesn't mean that you aren't an amazing, wonderful, beautiful woman who deserves to be treated well. You ARE special and worthy!!!

Sending HUGS!

[albamarie]

Hi Angela, great advise for Linda to hear. It is amazing how much as women we allow our H attitude or mode for the day to disrupt us.

This is something we are working very hard on. That slammed door, that walk past you as if he's a ghost, the empty look of annoyance when he does look at you, and then there's the grin you hope is a sign until you realize he's looking thru you.

I read your post about...is it all worth it? That is my battle because I have started to realize that even one more day of being sad, or neglected is not worth it. Worth it in the end to hold on because he will be back, do we want to gamble our lives on these men.

I have started to take the turn towards my future, my kids and family and things I haven't even accomplished yet. I figure this, if he does the MLC wake, he can come find me. Either way, it will be worth it because I will have still been living my life.

Mine makes all the threats as I read your does, we are 5yrs into this including 2.8 yrs of threats, crying, talking, and nothing has changed, nothing I do, nor any of his threats. Stay strong Angela, my best to you!

And, my best for Linda, your doing so much better than you think. Just relax, and make sure you get your sleep!

[sweetbabyred]

RL,

Thanks so much for checking on my sitch. I'm back home and I'll update soon, but first I wanted to check on you.

I've been keeping up with your sitch and I know how tough it is when everything seems the same and you were sure there would be a big change, whether positive or negative.

About a year ago when xh went public with his ow I was sure that he'd file for d, but no, he didn't. He wouldn't talk to me much, but he wouldn't give me up completely. It's frustrating, because you can see that something has changed, but they refuse to do anything different.

Keep taking care of yourself and eventually you'll figure out what you need to do.

As far as your co-workers, tell them that you appreciate their concern, but you'd prefer to deal with it on your own. If they push, you could always say that you wouldn't want to date any man who was willing to date you while you were still married!

You are a strong woman and you will be okay. Relax and take care of yourself. I like the hot, relaxing bath idea and a glass of wine never hurts.

[RosaLinda]

Thanks to all of you for checking on me. A person never had such a nice bunch of supportive friends!

rH "The co-workers are probably just tired of seeing you sad over H and they are probably frustrated at him also! I'm sure they mean well. I know it's hard to go on with your DB plan in the face of well-meaning colleagues, but nevertheless, you still are."

job "As for your h, people aren't walking in your shoes, so they do not know what they are talking about. Yes, they are getting frustrated watching you and knowing about your situation, but until it happens to them, they don't truly know what they would do. They mean well...but they need to step back and allow you to make your own decisions."

uRw "and as far as your friends at work. You know what you need to do there, right?
You have to get a smile on your face and then say to them, thanks for your concern. It would really be helpful if you didnt tell me to go on a dating site. But you all feel free to do that if you want. And then walk away. How? You know what I am going to say. With a florish."

You're right, these folks I work with are just telling me how ridiculous I seem to them because they care. I've worked with most of them for over 20 years, some for more than 30. Our whole adult lives. 

It's some of the divorced ones who are the aggressors I could see pushing separation and online cheating if they were all happy, but they're not.  They all "took" their husbands for every last cent they could get, but it didn't make them happy - they all seem horribly bitter. 

I guess it's my fault for letting them know about my sitch at all. Most of you would have been stoic and held it all in but I'm such a blabbermouth. One kind word and it all comes tumbling out like a waterfall! No self control!

Nero "someone somewhere yesterday in these posts was saying about our h's needing other "poor sould" to save- well, fits my h to a T.
he's "saving " ow- he's gonna "take care" of his older buddy whose got health problems- wtf world???????/ why doesnt' he come save me from my stinking mother & family if he wants some kind of project????"

I think it's the depression, Nero. Men like to be useful and respected and looked up to anyway. But these MLC guys feel SO crappy about themselves, and are madly scrabbling around for something to make them feel better about themselves. And what could be more satisfying than - ta da - (I love when you say that ) saving some poor miserable soul who is in an even worse way than they are? I don't know why the saving has to involve boinking and professions of love, it would seem like a pretty good thing if the saving was really just a humanitarian effort without feeling the need to throw ALL of their affection and time at this needy person. But they're temporarily off the wall. So nothing they do completely makes sense. 

It would be nice if your H would make you and your mom his good will project. But you're forgetting that you are the cause of all H's problems, at least for now, so you and your family are not as deserving as fat cow OW and strangers. 

DMR "Must be the season. I've been down a bit lately, too. Health issues, dwelling on W's interactions with the not-so-handyman."

uRw "You really need to detach. And what that means for you is that you have to try really hard not to allow what your h is doing or saying dictate how you are going to feel. 
Rosa, leave them to this ridiculousness. It doesnt warrant you getting so upset."

Sorry to hear you're having health issues too DMR, and have been dwelling on the handyman issue. Your old idea of packing him off to Moscow to fix RT's apartment up holds a lot of appeal!

I have been spinng my wheels over my H like a crazy person. But I think the concept of detaching has finally sunk in. I "got" letting him go first, but just could not comprehend how a person could ever detach themselves from someone they love more than life itself. I'm not claiming to be real good at it yet, mind you, but at least I know and understand what it is, and what I need to do and why. 

And you're right, uR. I think most if not all of the EAs and PAs associated with MLC are not real, temporary fixes, experimentation, as MDW says. But my H's relationship with the Russian tramp is even more idiotic than most, unsustainable, based on manipulation and lies. 

I'll go on my merry way, leaving them to their mutual prevarications, not letting my H's moods and crankiness, which are usually caused by RT's pushing and bitchiness, affect me in the least. Their ongoing melodrama is not worth wasting time over, let alone shedding tears over. I actually feel sorry for them, and pray that RT finds a nice **unmarried** handyman of her own. Soon. 

Forever "RL, I want you to look in the mirror with your blurry eyes and tell yourself that you love you. Really mean it. Then when you get home I want you to draw a bath, light some candles and relax for an hour or two. No reading, just close your eyes and relax. Think pleasant thoughts of far away places. Even have a glass of wine if you'd like. Doctors orders! 
You ARE beautiful, (and stronger than you think) and we love you!"

FY you are so sweet. I simply cannot imagine what your W is thinking. Or not thinking is more like it. You all are so loving and kind and giving. I thank God for each and every one of you!

SweetRed "I know how tough it is when everything seems the same and you were sure there would be a big change, whether positive or negative."

Ah Red, it's the cursed expectations that got me. I knew sharing that tramp's bed in Russia for a month would change my H. I was equally prepared for BD#3 and for H's infatuation to have worn off, leaving RT back in the friend zone with all the other "language partners" he has had quick or long EAs with. And either may still happen. Like rH said, it's finding myself in the same old limbo that is SO frustrating. But as T2 suggested, on his thread I think, I'll leave H to process all he's been thru for a couple of months. A good couple of months to practice detaching and perfect DBing it's a blessing!!

Angela "Please do NOT allow what H thinks or says to dictate who you are. I am battling this SO HARD right now....so I am right there with you on that. We have to find a way to separate our own self-worth from the way our H's treat us.
We have to DETACH for our own health and sanity. So, here's my challenge...you work on loving yourself again...and I'll work on loving myself again...and together we'll encourage each other."

Dawn "I read your post about...is it all worth it? That is my battle because I have started to realize that even one more day of being sad, or neglected is not worth it. Worth it in the end to hold on because he will be back, do we want to gamble our lives on these men. 
I have started to take the turn towards my future, my kids and family and things I haven't even accomplished yet. I figure this, if he does the MLC wake, he can come find me. Either way, it will be worth it because I will have still been living my life."

Hi Angela, how nice to meet you! Thanks for visiting. I am back on track with DBing and detaching, since last night anyway. Not on track with loving myself much though. I accept your challenge!

Dawn is right. Gambling our lives on our MLCers waking up and reconciling with us IS worth it, at least to me. MLC is a gift, a horrible annoying gift like the scratchy too small sweater your aunt gave you for Christmas last year, but a gift non-the-less. It is a chance for us to grow and learn on a journey of our own. To become wonderful people, even more wonderful than we already were. And to know, in the end, that we did everything we could to save our marriage. Whether it works or not!

-----------
I had a talk with my eye surgeon, and am going through with the surgery tomorrow. He assures me that the swelling and blurry vision in my left eye is due to the extensive repair work he had to do on it, and my eyes' extreme dryness. But the right eye will just be a straight forward cataract surgery, and will be fine. And once I have the laser procedure on my left eye around Thanksgiving, my vision will be fabulous and I may only need reading glasses. Wouldn't that be nice! So off I go tomorrow at 7:30 am. And this time H has volunteered to bring me, instead of leaving me to fend for myself while he runs off to Moscow. So that will be nice. 

I'm liking the change to Job Snodderly, if I understand it correctly. A person who suffered horribly, but refused to curse God, and to whom God restored every blessing in life. And who prayed for his friends too That's you!

[nero]

hhhhheheeeeeyyyyyy linda -

hope the eye surgery goes well and trip w/ h to dr, etc. as well.

it's the frustration man- one more little "frontier" to conquer huh???? (well, one more GIANT frontier)

i laughe dwhen you were referring to your friends & coworkers at work - that you'd worked with for fifty gazillion yers. about one kind word and it all spilled out- oh man, is that ever me.

I always knew/know every single time - that someone is told (not that many people really) that there's every prospect it will come back to bite me on the booty- HOWEVER, KNOWING myself as i do- the friendship & support, etc. outweigh the downside. people knowing- i've made it clear i'm giving it a whirl- for better or worse- & they can just adjust as they need to. my couple close girlfriends, of course, don't really want to see his face or like him very much- i get it. i do - they will bump into him here now or then- they just have to deal with it. they manage- i'm not offended. i never said they have to remain "buddies" , etc.

we're all grown ups- they don't "go there" with the "you have to do this, you have to do that" junk. my one friend in Fla- i like her alot- she's quite bossy tho- forgets i'm not herkid i guess, she's so used to being "in charge totally " of her kid and her h. she gets on my nevers sometimes- i try and bite it back. i don't think she realizes how she comes across sometimes-mostly i do okay. every so often i have to say (kind of kiddingly- kind of not) HEY- YA THINK YOU'RE MY MOTEHR?? OR WHAT) she feels free to dive in and be telling me what to do about social security? investments? life? love? etc. she's not particularly happy or incredibly wise (i think) so wtf???? oh well- friends- ya get the good with the bad, like everyone else - huh???

it always surprises me because she's a pretty darn modest & submissive kind of woman in general- yet with me- wa hoo- dives rite in with the "you have to....." and so on.

i think this doormat thing i've got goin on is a bit more pervasive than i've ever realized. i THOUGHT i just am being nice by not always corr3ecting people or whamming them with NOT ON YOUR LIFE-type reactions. maybe i've just got to be more forceful- a bit - so they just back up a bit more- maybe you too??? we can still be nice and be friends, can't we - and be a bit (just alittle bit) more ruthless & honest??

i'm getting a bit tired of the "input" tht's a bit more than i solicit. well, i never usually actually ASK anyuone what they think- it's rare. guess just throwing it out there- invites comment. guilty...

hope your day is okay. working- kindergarten & 2nd grade - always an adventure.

today- no constant questions unless they're on fire, going to vomit or are bleeding. ta da

xxo

[willbwell]

Linda, you have brought so many great, compassionate people together here. you are a treasure. hope your h will see that some day. I read the responses you make to others and the genuine fondness people have for you. if there is any silver lining in this place where we all do not want to be....

[job]

Good luck with your surgery today.

[LoisB]

Linda,

Thinking of you, I hope the eye surgery goes well.

Heather

[sweetbabyred]

I'm thinking of you today as well. Hope that your h follows through and takes you to/from your surgery. I'll try not to have any more expectations than that of him!

[Portia]

Princess Rosa,

All the best with your surgery.

Just think, if things are a little blurry for awhile, it may be easier to ignore H!

Lots of love!