All of this is going to look much different to you in six weeks. Nothing about your marriage needs to be decided today or tomorrow or next week or even in 3 weeks.
Focus on you, he can take care of himself.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
So sad: I got a text from H's ex wife saying SS11 asked her whether H and I are separated because of him. He arrives in town today. He lives on the other side of the country. I guess I will have to sit down and explain a couple of things to him.
Yeah, something along the lines of, "SS11, you know your dad and I are taking a break, right? I wanted you to know that this has absolutely nothing to do with you. I imagine you must be thinking that because that's what I would think if I were in your shoes [dont want to make it seem like his mom and I have been talking about it]. I want to keep this family together, but if we can't, you should know that S1 and S0 will forever be your brothers and we love you. Wherever in the world we may end up, that home is open for you".
Sounds pretty good! I knew you would say something wise.
I simply told my S that what his dad and I are going through has nothing to do with him, we just need some time apart to work things out and that we both love him dearly. And if he ever had any questions or just needs to talk he could ask at any time.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Okie. Got it, gabbysmom, otherwise it sounds like an attack on H, right? I thought so too.
I don't know if I posted here that I had a meltdown yesterday and H just said again everything I didn't want to hear: sees me like a sister, can't be affectionate because the feelings are gone, he is down a path he is not sure he can come back from etc. Bad preggonow for bring the R AGAIN.
However, I did mention some things I didn't like about him and he wanted to know more about those, so I explained that he was very antisocial and I think that was something I wished was different. He wants to change that and wants to go out more with acquaintances we have in common.
Anyway, so today I took a deep breath and decided to start fresh, less drama, more detachment.
I decided to pull away by instead of hanging out downstairs with H, getting my room clean and organized drawers instead. It was only a question of time before H came upstairs and started conversations, so this plan sort of worked.
I went to my exercise class (which is called stroller strides -- a group of girls with jogging strollers gets together on the beach or parks and we run and exercise -- I try to go every day) and after class I usually release the little beast (S1) in a playground. I would have just let him play for 15 minutes, knowing that H is at home, but instead I let S1 play for an hour.
When I got home I took my time getting S1 out of the car just to see how long H would take to come after us and there he was by the garage.
He started a convo about the front yard and how he wanted to tackle it this weekend when SS11 arrives. He wants to change some of the plants around and trim everything.
(PS: pudmuddle, now I see how acts of service is his love language. He has been fixing the house like a mad man and said yesterday that this is how he is showing that he cares. He is, however, a very affectionate man, so it bothers me that he is not using that love language yet)
Anyway, H went to get SS11 at the airport and they went to museums and stuff right after. H had invited me to go but S1 needed a nap, so I stayed home.
When they arrived I went to get SS11's favorite pizza and ice cream. The boys ran around and played a lot, even though the hadnt seen each other in almost a year. It was very funny and fun to watch. Because we have a few living rooms, I always stayed in the one H was not and he kept moving to the one I was at (that is my evil little test).
We all watched a comedy show, talked a lot and laughed. It's a good thing to have small kids because they keep things light and us from fighting and discussing heavy stuff.
We all participated in S1's bath and instead of going back downstairs, I stayed in my room reading. S1 went to sleep and SS11 also stayed in his room. I wonder how H feels about all this.
I have also taken my wedding ring off -- is this a bad move?
Another question: a friend invited me to go to a Brazilian steakhouse on Thursday with her husband and a group of other people. H would LOVE something like that and he has been craving having any kind of social life. A part of me wants to DB the heck out of this and go by myself as my GAL plan, but a part of me thinks I should invite SS11 and H to integrate them in my social life. ANY THOUGHTS????
Btw, you guys will be proud of me: I scheduled a prenatal massage and a day in a spa for Saturday (with a gift card from H from last christmas) at the time H usually skypes with whore (aka ow), so not only I won't have to see him leaving to go talk w her, but I will be relaxing and taking a baby break from S1. Need to find a good, light book to read at the reading room at the spa
Can't sleep again and been thinking about how difficult H has always been. I remember when we were dating, the amount of red flags I got about his mood swings and his constant need to fight and create adversity when there's none. Most of our fights are about nothing.
They start about something silly, that has no relevance and escalate into something serious, then it gets dragged on until we are both depleted: me from trying to reason with him and him from withdrawing while I talk.
Example: when we were dating, he often would come to my house in Friday nights in a bad mood because he hated his job (he has yet to have a job within the marine corps that he enjoys -- never heard him say, I love what I do). I always knew to let him sleep in on Saturday because then he'd be in a better mood.
Well, one Saturday came and I woke up early (I started my work at 5:45am, so I was up pretty early on the weekends too) and decide to get on the computer because the tv would make noise.
H woke up a little later to use the restroom and gave me the stink eye. Immediately I thought, uh oh, what now?
He started fighting with me that I was always on the computer. I tried explaining I was on it only because he was asleep and the tv would wake him up. I closed the laptop, apologized and grabbed a book instead. Told him to go back to sleep. He didn't. He lingered on, still saying I was always on the computer and slowly sat down in front of it. Then he opened it and started surfing the net. I realized then why he picked the fight: HE wanted the computer (he never brought his). I pointed it out and he just withdrew more and more and got in a worse mood. Finally, he said he didn't love me anymore, that we should break up.
A few days later, everything was fine.
This happened so many times in our relationship that I lost count. A friend of mine took me out to dinner, a few days before my wedding and said, "don't marry him. Please don't. You will end up in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of children and without a job, and he will decide to leave you for no reason."
I didn't listen to that friend. I didn't pay attention to the red flags.
The biggest red flag was when he broke up with me because he thought I was too overweight and unhealthy. I was 123lbs and my waist was 25 inches. I wanted to lose another 5lbs and talked a lot about it, so he used it against me when he was pissed about something else (that weekend he saw his ex wife with a new baby).
During this deployment I kept saying, "now, don't go getting to close to a female friend, because that can lead to an affair and if you have one, don't bother coming home." I basically gave him a perfect script on how to sabotage our relationship this time around.
My question is: why did I get into this relationship? Why do I keep pushing to stay together when it's so hard and so challenging? Why do I accept living while walking on eggshells?
H's ex wife says she is happier now without him. I still love him dearly, but I can understand why.
It is sad.
