Separated and confused

[Accuray]

lostinpgh,

I read your post and am sorry you are here. That's a terrible story.

I was hoping he would realize that I really would do anything for our relationship and that if only he would have communicated to me he was unhappy, I could have worked on things earlier instead of waiting until he exploded from keeping everything in.

Everyone wishes that happened in hindsight but it almost never does. Human behavior is usually to avoid conflict, so people will pave over the daily small stuff until it builds up so large that it's too late. Confronting your spouse is also risky, they can tell you they don't care, or that they are done too, or get very upset and make you feel guilty, so people will typically not drop a bomb on you until they have arranged their exit.

As AnotherStander pointed out, marriage counseling is doomed to fail if one of the participants is reluctant. You both have to want to save your marriage for that to work.

Reading your story, it seems like your H had an emotional affair with your friend's wife. Often this will start innocently, then it starts to escalate in very small steps. Each time your H thought he had it under control, that he can separate fantasy from reality, etc., but it gets addictive like a drug and eventually he's questioning where his happiness is coming from.

Then he'll start to feel guilty about what he's doing, but can't reconcile the guilt with the joy of the affair, why does doing something bad make him feel good? If he feels good, is it bad? He's a good person, why would he do something bad?

Where this inevitably leads is that they convince themselves that you pushed them to cheat, that your behavior drove them to seek solace elsewhere, and therefore the fact that they strayed is your fault and not theirs. Then, they will get angry with YOU for making them feel guilty. When I read his comments about the house, it seems he may be making it a lightning rod to justify his straying from you, it's likely less of a cause and more of a symptom.

If you then do things that make them feel MORE guilty, like pursuing them, telling them that they are hurting you or their behavior is making you sad, they just get angrier, so the more you chase, the more they distance.

I think your current course of action is the correct one -- give him space, don't pursue him. Avoid any R talks. If he had complaints about you that YOU agree need work, then work on those things for yourself.

Re-read DR and stick to the principles: GAL, 180, and Act-as-if. For now, that's all you can do.

H resents you right now, so anything you do should be measured against a yardstick of resentment. Will it make him resent you more or less? Things that will make him resent you more will be relationship talks, being sad, blaming him for your moods, appearing to be pining for him, etc. Things that will make him resent you less will be topical conversation, looking good, being happy, and appearing to live your life despite what he is or is not doing.

As AnotherStander pointed out, don't let your therapist dictate your timeline. That said, a timeline can be a useful thing to have as people generally don't want to be in limbo indefinitely. If you do create a timeline for yourself, however, keep it private and do not share it with H ever. i.e. if things are not improved by (pick a date), then you will either decide to move on, or pick another future date depending upon how you are feeling. Things would be improved if the following things are happening (x, y, z).

Good luck and keep posting!

Acc