Time and Tide

[job]

FY,
I have every hope that your marriage will turn around and yes, your w's love for you is buried deep within her very soul. Until the depression lifts and she's resolved her issues, that love will remain buried. As she resolves her issues, that frozen love will eventually begin to thaw again and slowly but surely things will turn around.

FY, what happened to your w happened a long time ago and it's going to take some time for her to resolve those issues. Give her that gift of time and space, be patient and understand that when you are willing to be patient, it is well worth that wait.

I ask that you continue to live your life and do not try to put a time limit on her growing up. Learn to accept her for who she is today and trust me, if she wasn't happy w/the way things are going, she would have left a long time ago.

Patience, my friend!

[uRworthy]

My friend, I just wanted to tell you that around the 18 - 24 month timeframe, the LBS starts to lose some momentum.

You know, I stood for a long time because I felt that a long term marriage deserved it. It was a way to honor it.

There was a very wise poster, J3Beans, who wrote, if you were told your marriage had a 1 in a million chance of making it, would you take that chance?

I think we all would.

The fact that your wife is still there, redoing her room, telling you about her evenings with friends, speaks volumes.

You will be last in the reconnection process. Succks that it works that way, but, it does.

She still needs to work through her stuff. I pray she is doing that some and realizes she needs help with the rest.

You are not done. I can see that clearly.

So, you gotta dig in a bit more. You may decide to quit one day. Today is not that day.

(((hugs)))

[job]

FY,
If you have not read the reconnection thread that I created back in 2003, you might want to take a moment and read it. There is some very good material on it. Here is the link:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=190969&page=1

[Notlikingthis]

Snodderly, Thanks for posting the link here. Very interesting and great information.

Fy,

uR is right, today isn't the day and I don't think tomorrow will be either. Keep doing what you're doing. She's still there and not angry or secretive.

You are an inspiration to all of us. I always look forward to your post and responses. You attitude and humor are a good diversion for all of us.

[THX-1138]

...
THX & etc: Yes, I read 5 LL more than a year ago. Good stuff, especially if your spouse is receptive. At least for now, mine is not...

FY,
What is your wife's Love Language? What is yours?

[ForeverYoung]

FY,
What is your wife's Love Language? What is yours?

My #1 is PT. Hers is everything but.

I'm not able to determine her #1 at the moment, and I surely can't ask her to take the test. Also, I think when they are in crises it could change. (gone back to what was missing in childhood?)

Gifts always seemed important to her. (doesn't want any from me now)

She always seemed to perform a lot of AOS. And has started doing this again. (some who do this are seeking WOA)

WOA were missing in her childhood. She lights up when hearing WOA from others. (says it's "different" when coming from me, because as H I "have to" offer that)

NLT: Thanks so much for the WOA! It really means a lot to me to know I can be helpful to others.

[THX-1138]

I loaned my copy of "The Five Love Langauges" to my wife after we separated. She liked it so much she bought her own copy, and started lending it to friends.

Obviously, it hasn't helped our situation as she subsequently filed for D, but it is helpful to me to know what she craves.

Perhaps you could think of a way to get your W to read it. I think mine was intrigued by learning what her love language was. Purely for her own information of course. Wink.

[ForeverYoung]

Got in a big argument with W over her replacement car tonight. I was looking for one several months back and let it drop, because I told her I wanted it to be her decision. She dropped it too. She even signed us up for Triple A road service recently "just in case" and asked me to service her brakes, so I figured she was happy to keep the present car.

Over the past few months (while neither of us were even talking about a car) I started having second thoughts about spending 30-50 grand if we were only going to end up splitting our assets.

Tonight she mentioned that she found one she liked. I said I was no longer sure I wanted to spend that much on a car. (we've always agreed on big ticket items, or didn't get them) She of course now feels like I'm denying her a nice car, which I tried to explain that I'm not.

We haven't argued like this in a long time, probably about a year. I felt like I did well. Kept calm, didn't curse and I demanded respect. When it became obvious she was loosing control, I smiled and said we should talk about it tomorrow.

I'd have no problem with getting even the most expensive car, if I felt like neither of us were liable to end the M in the next couple of years.

Is it possible to explain this to her without it sounding like an ultimatum? She's remained frugal through all this, so I doubt even she'd want to spend big money on a car knowing she may soon have half the assets she has now.

Or do I just roll the dice and ok the expense?

The way she fought was out of line, but to be honest, neither of us have much experience with fighting, and I think this can be corrected over time.

Maybe now would be a good time to ask her to read 5LL?

[reachingHigher]

Idk, FY, sounds like an interesting turn for you.

I've been thinking about it. It seems that it comes closely on the heels of redoing her bedroom, redefining who she is, as it were.

It's easy for me to say, out here in cyber land, not paying your bills or looking at a future D, but I would be in inclined to go with it. Go with her. Be excited that she found something she liked! I'm feeling it has something to do with HER inside, not just a car.

Yes, it's a gamble. You may lose. You have to ask yourself if you are on the other side of this thing -- D or reconciled -- can you live with your decision.

Pre-MLC my H used to say "it's just money".

But we did go through a lot of it in MLC. Seems to always include cars,
Doesn't it?

I did say "no" to my H last December when he wanted to take and use our SUV and it was already in my name only.

But we were in a different situation than you are in.

Just thinking back, if you feel you can afford to lose some, or won't feel jealous if things don't go your way (like her taking the new car dancing with men, etc) I am all for getting the car. And using it as a way to applaud her new identity.

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks RH, I pretty much feel the same way. It is only money, and it won't put us in the poor house even if we do split up.

My issue right now is the manner that she is handling this. I don't want to reward poor behavior because then I'll continue to get the same.

This morning:

I enter the room and offer a cheerful "Good morning". After a brief pause, she replies "Don't think that saying good morning fixes everything". She walked out of the room as she said this. I refused to speak across rooms, or chase her down, so that was the end of the conversation. When we met up a few minutes later, I said "I know we need to work this out, but we can still be civil in the mean time."

Her reply: "Whatever you say".

Then she snuck off to work in my car without saying a word. I was planning to ride my bike to work so it didn't matter to me, plus I could have driven her car if I wanted. She obviously is making some kind of a rebellious statement by doing this.

How should I respond? Again, I don't want to reward this passive aggressive(?) behavior.

If she would talk about this like an adult I'd give her anything.

Gosh I still love my girl!