Yes, here's the deal on my anxious friend: he had very critical parents and consequently has low self esteem and low confidence. He's anxious that things are going to go wrong, or he won't be prepared for something that happens. Consequently, it takes him a long time to leave the house to go somewhere or do something because he has to feel he's prepared for whatever might happen.
If he doesn't know what "the plan" is he will get very nervous and ask lots of questions, often over and over again that come across as being very demanding. If his questions aren't answered promptly, or answered indirectly, he gets very annoyed very quickly, and then angry, seemingly disproportionately so.
If he feels he's heading into a situation where he won't feel in control, he'll get resistant and then belligerent. It seems like being in a situation where he doesn't know what the outcome will be makes him very, very uncomfortable -- even something as simple as going to a restaurant where he doesn't know if he'll like anything on the menu.
WRT the White Knight thing, he's very anxious about people not liking him, so he'll put in a lot of energy to ensure that he makes a good impression or that people like him, but once he feels he's crossed that line he will often lose interest and not do anything to maintain the relationship. It's like "okay, this person doesn't dislike me, I can move on now."
What I saw in your description of your H is the anxiety-driven questioning, the quick annoyance and belligerence, the white knighting and then quickly moving on. It screams "anxiety disorder", and you are correct, when you're near that it can make you feel like you're causing problems when really you're just caught up in their dysfunction.
I'm sure H is scared to death that someone won't see you in a parking lot and back into your car, and then he'll have to go through the anxiety of getting the car fixed and/or it will reflect poorly on him and people will think he's a failure. In reality, if you did get backed into, I'm sure you'd get the car fixed yourself, but that fact is probably not even on his radar.
It's him. With my friend it feels like he's always putting out feelers or extending some kind of radar to detect when things might go badly, evaluating what he can do to prevent it, and then frantically trying to head off all the terrible possible eventualities. It's a tough way to live.
Yes, he's getting weekly therapy and it's helping, but it's very deep rooted and will undoubtedly take a long time to improve.
That is a very, very hard thing to be around, my friends and I can only take him in small doses. You have my sympathy on that front.
In terms of his jerky behavior? There's no excuse for that, that's on him.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Your friend sounds like he's recognizably out of the norm.
My H gets accolades from friends and acquaintances old and new because of what they perceive as his "unusually good common sense." So yeah, he almost never walks into a situation he doesn't feel in control of, but it rarely requires any extra preparation for him. He's pretty good at it. He seems kind, funny, smart, successful, good at relating with people, good at advising people having problems, a real go-to guy. A pragmatic guy with no hang-ups. He has no delusions of grandeur and recognizes people who are smarter or better at something than he is. He always seems to have the answers, and his answers make good sense. It took a lot of counseling on my part to think there was anything wrong with him other than this recent inexplicable depression. But he has become what I think of as "brittle." He's become a lot grouchier, a lot more demanding, and a lot less flexible; what he doesn't like he withdraws from. It's sad to see that in comparison with how fun he used to be.
It is sad. And yeah maybe he'd need different work in order to get help. When he got this secret job is about when things got precipitously worse, not sure if one is the chicken and the other the egg or neither and just weird timing. It was nice when he was just a "paperboy." (Used to work in publishing like me.)
Anyway, I feel weird spending this much time psychoanalyzing him (nothing against you-all, it's my own issue). My IC agrees with what we're saying here, but nonetheless she's not qualified to diagnose someone who is not in her care, and I'm further unqualified. My sandbox is deciding how I effectively respond to the various insults and inconveniences of being a part of H's family, and I want to get back to focusing on that more.
Haha, never thought of myself as a babymomma but I guess that's what I am right now.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
My pleasure JP! Ad, he's not recognizably out of the norm unless you get to know him quite well. He's adept at hiding this stuff from casual acquaintances and seeming very likeable. Only when you get to know him and his guard comes down does a lot of this stuff come out. If you went out with him once or twice you might not notice that it took him 30 minutes longer to get ready than anyone else, but when everyone is outside with their coats on ready to go and he has another half hour of preparation every time, you start to wonder what the heck he's doing, and when you dig into that you're like "oh boy!"
Yes, the point was not to psychoanalyze H, but rather to point out that it's not you, and give you a context (which it sounds like you had) to help you better deal with the situation. (i.e. H is not yelling at me and making chopping hand gestures because he thinks I'm stupid, he feels out of control, that makes him uncomfortable, and he's trying to control his environment through me. In that context, you are not the focus of H's wrath, you're a conduit for his dysfunction.) Might leave you feeling better about it -- or maybe not!
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Yeah, that reminds me of the Pia Mellody CD set on boundaries, which I should get out and relisten to annually. I forget the good things I learned, and one of them was to sit back and think, "my his brain is really attacking him for him to be acting like this."
It does help and it's easy to forget and take things personally.
But also it seems like, if I can't be a part of the solution, I don't want to be subjected to it. I'm right there with S15 in not wanting to be around H. I guess the thing is to *tell* H so that, in case he cares how he comes across, he'll at least know how he's coming across. If he then knows and doesn't care, at least I'll have stood up to request decent treatment.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Biweekly counseling today, it was pretty heavy. I don't have the time to record it as thoroughly as I used to do here, but thought I'd just make a few notes, for the record.
I took a chance to practice a new skill with my sister, to take a situation that was intolerant and be upfront about how I was feeling about it, in hopes of changing the dynamic. The fact that my IC wants me to do this with H but I've been full of excuses not to, is not lost on me. So, it blew up on me, my sister was enraged all out of proportion to what was going on, and gave me the silent treatment interspersed with woe-is-me guilt trippy comments. And I was irrationally upset by her punishment, couldn't stop thinking about it. I should have been glad for the break I needed and asked for, but instead I was all upset about why she was so mad at me.
So it goes back to early childhood when I was the content one, the fixer, who had no needs so that everyone else could be OK. I was tired of being my sister's limitless holding container for al l her angst, but when I expressed a need, BAM, it's the end of the world for her. Which, surprisingly or not, is how H reacted too. I had to be soooo careful to provide constructive criticism or say what I needed because he'd get mad, yell FINE, and make up a new rule in his head to follow to my chagrin that went way beyond what I'd asked for. And I'd be so upset, just like this. So I guess what it is is I have a deep and justified fear of abandonment.
Just knowing what's going on when my fear and feelings outweigh the specifics of the situation, is helpful. I can learn to work around the fear, try being assertive anyway, and judge the results based on the abilities or limitations of the person. Just happens that my H was very limited, and so is my sister. Apparently, according to my IC, there's a world full of people who aren't like that, who hear what you need and try to give it to you.
The other thing that was kind of mind blowing was the suggestion that I should ask for what I need, example being in a new relationship to ask for words of affirmation if they are scarce. That was mind blowing to me because so far I've thought of myself as meeting all of my own needs, not needing anyone, and being frustrated to learn that humans really do need each other, frustrated because they so often disappoint me. So far my idea of assertiveness was to speak up about something that's intolerable, to set a boundary and enable the other person to cooperative with me to get my needs met by reducing or eliminating the intolerant behavior. The idea of asking for something positive that I might need was, well, a paradigm shift to get used to.
I'm going to read the book Leaving Home which is about healing the dysfunctional patterns people play out over their lives because of some childhood hurt. My friend recommended that. My IC recommended Brainlock, which is about how to heal or cope with OCD or better understand someone else who struggles with it (to help me not take my sister's behavior personally, which I don't when I see it as something beyond her control). I had already made a lot of headway with the issue with my sister by the time I had my counseling appointment, but the parallel emotions I had felt similar to the many small and one big abandonments my H gave me over the years was a clue there was more there than I was seeing.
haha that's the short version.
I'm not as good as I thought.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Also for the record, sleep deprived. The good news it's been a long time that I've been able to sleep at night and no evidence of drug use. The bad news is last night S15 snuck out after going to bed, and went to meet friends out smoking weed. Not sure if he was partaking or just visiting. I drove his friend home and the friend's mom thought her boy was stoned.
Thank goodness they're still dumb enough to get each other caught.
And thank goodness for my secret weapon new-dog, who barked to get into S15's room, which is how I found it empty. Good dog.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
You seem pretty squared away, so this probably doesn't apply to you, but since you brought up "sleep", I'll toss in my two cents.
We are living in a medication nation. And I'm not saying all medicine is bad or unnecessary, I'm just saying that we - as a society - are entirely over-medicated. Very popular today are sleep medications, and they are turning out to have very dangerous side effects because they are being misused...they are being used in place of fixing the underlying issues that are causing the sleep problems in the first place.
There are plenty of internet articles that detail out how to sleep better/more:
No caffeine after noon.
No electronics within an hour before bedtime.
Go to sleep and wake up the same time every day.
Make your room as dark as possible.
etc., etc., etc.
And all those methods - the natural remedies and addressing the underlying issues - should ALWAYS be tried before medication is ingested that forces the body to do something it doesn't want to do. But for most Americans in the "go-go-go" culture, it's just easier to pop a pill or two, down it with a socially acceptable glass of wine, and keep go-go-going.
Now, all of that aside, here's the thing I figured out as I have been through years of poor sleep, insomnia, and depression. I've never gone to the doctor for sleep issues and taken a prescription pill, but I've certainly tried to medicate myself so I can get some sleep (read: drinking). The secret to being able to sleep at night is really simple, it just isn't easy. And it certainly isn't mentioned in any "How To Sleep Better" articles, because no one wants to actually talk about it or come across as accusatory.
The very FIRST thing each person should do is examine him or herself. If you can't lie down at night and be at peace with the person you are, with the decisions that you made that day, with the actions you took, with the actions you didn't take...youwillhavetroublesleepingatnight. And we can ignore this most paramount pieces of the foundation of "good sleep", but we can never escape it. We cannot escape ourselves. (Believe me, I have tried.)
Therefore, it is of the utmost importance that each of us lives every single day with the courage to passionately stand firm in the faith of our core convictions. And when we live our days this way, we can lay our heads down at night and be at peace with ourselves...with who we are as human beings at the most basic of levels. Our minds don't race because of what should have said or done, or shouldn't have said or done. We can lay our heads down...and sleep.
Sorry for the hijack/rant.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
PM, I love that. I really do. Having spent a night with a sleep tech (the VOICE OF GOD who watched over us as my son went through his sleep study) I learned how passionate people who are knowledgeable about sleep hygiene can be. (The sleep center did, however, suggest melatonin supplements in addition to all the things you suggested.)
What wakes me up at night is being a single woman in charge of a teenage boy who is in the process of learning to make the right decisions but whose drug dealer apparently lives walking distance and is available in the middle of the night. And whose hot and sexy teenage friend is loosely monitored next door. And who knows what else brings him out in the middle of the night. But I do wake up in the night and usually there's a good reason.
Other than S15, I sleep like a baby. But I'm lucky that way, and many others here would benefit from your post as did I.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
